The Great Mate Debate

The Pause That Saves a Relationship

Topic: Couple Fights: What’s the one bit of advice you’d like to share about making them productive, not destructive?
Posted by: Sherry Amatenstein

Two boxers circling one another in the ring thirsting for blood, each consumed with finding and attacking what they sense is their opponent’s Achilles heel. If this resembles you and your partner when you fight minus the ring and boxing gloves, then Houston, we’ve got a problem. As Evan said so cogently an argument between lovers should not be about proving one is right and the other wrong.  This is not the fight of the century. You are not (hopefully) looking to deliver the knockout punch.  Your dispute concerns a specific issue; both parties should be left standing and after a cooling off period back to the good stuff. 

 

 

But in the heat of the moment all you can focus on is that you’re upset. This person who is supposed to cherish you is doing the opposite and hurting you with his/her stubbornness, inconsiderateness, poor judgment, etc. Flush with such a riot of emotions words can fly out of your mouth that you want to take back the moment they’re airborne. Words that have nothing to do with the issue at hand but concern past wrongs and imagined slights. Words that zero in on your partner’s insecurities.

 

Your job - to avoid uttering phrases like, “You’re totally right. Your mother does like your sister best” or “No wonder you never got that promotion. You’re too timid.”  Take a deep, relaxing, cleansing breath and ask yourself if you really need to deliver this low blow.  Do you really want to see pain in your beloved’s eyes and know you caused it?  Can’t you keep the fight centered on whose turn it is to pick the movie?

Still fuming but the pause was the sanity break you needed to know it’s not a wise move to go for the jugular? Say, “I’m too angry now to continue this.  Let me take a little walk (listen to some music, etc.) and we can talk about it later.”

Fair fighting is similar to the diet maxim: A minute on the lips; forever on the hips. 

6 Itty Bitty Vital Words

What advice would you give a friend who is looking to find love in 2008?
Posted by: Sherry Amatenstein

Short and sweet: Get out of your own way.  You say you want to find love then bemoan the countless reasons it’s eternally elusive.  Okay, pick your poison:

   

*There are no good guys out there. *Why are all women psycho and/or gold diggers? *No way. He has a bald spot and wears white socks with black shoes. *She says she’s okay with my weekly boys only poker games but I know she doesn’t mean it. *He talks while he’s eating. Ewwww!  * She’s great fun to be with but shouldn’t there be something more? *I know he’s gonna hurt me sooner or later so I’d better bail. *She’s a vegetarian and I love steak. How can that ever work? *He’d be insulted if I told him I prefer less tongue while we’re kissing. Guess we’ll never be sexually compatible. *She’s a little too close to her mom.  *He’s such a great guy.  Too bad he’s a Cancer.

   

The excuses why a potential partner can come close but not close enough to being The One are ad infinitum. Obviously there are numerous valid reasons to bail – he/she is emotionally volatile and unstable; your major life goals don’t mesh (i.e.: you want a pack of small fry; she is a card carrying member of The Child Free Club), etc.  But until and unless you deal with your own fears and blocks and disconnects you’ll remain an Admit One.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that as the commitment-phobic characters of Seinfeld would say but at least be on to your shtick.

   

So to find love, stop the excuses; the litany of why all the good ones are taken and all I ever get is dregs.  If you truly want love and allow yourself to be open to a viable candidate it can happen.  This is the year.

Share Thoughts, Don’t Read ‘Em

Posted by: Sherry Amatenstein
Topic: A recent study says that we can correctly figure out what a stranger is thinking 20% of the time…and what a romantic partner is thinking 35% of the time. In your opinion, what does that indicate about how well we know our mates?

Remember the Newlywed Game?  Blushing brides and grooms asked embarrassing questions about one another like:

Which porno film will your spouse say you most remind him/her of?    

    a)  Deep throat     b)  Long dong silver    c)  On golden blonde
    d)  Romancing the bone

                                 or

Where was the last place you ate lunch together?

I don’t think any studies have been done correlating exactly what knowing answers to questions like these have to do with really knowing your mate and what makes him/her tick.  Research can often be skewed any which way.  Remember Woody Allen’s Sleeper when he is revived after a 200 year coma and discovers, among other futuristic improvements, that scientists have verified deep fried fatty foods and smoking are extremely good for you?

I’m curious exactly what is it those 35% of romantic partners polled understand about their partners - that after downing a box of Oreos in one sitting, he/she is thinking, 'Okay, the diet starts tomorrow?'

What matters most in having a successful relationship is not necessarily to correctly “guess” what your mate is thinking. What goes on in my noggin a goodly portion of the time is anything but profound though often quite predictable.

Rather as Amy pointed out it’s vital to communicate as in don’t assume you know the answer to everything and ask your mate what it is he/she wishes you knew… and to communicate in turn.

Spill those important thoughts. Don’t be a mind reader but a mind sharer.

Grinch of the Group

Topic: What’s the best thing about being single during the holidays…and the best thing about being coupled up over the holidays?
Posted by: Sherry Amatenstein

I’m the Grinch of this group. My story is about the worst experience I ever had during the holidays as a single person. It’s also about the worst experience I had as part of a couple. Both were on New Year’s Eve – the same New Year’s Eve. That December 31 began with me starring as Sadie, Sadie unhappy married lady.

My then husband and I knew our marriage was on life support, but were trying to hold things together into January. Who wants to be totally alone you know when? But in the week before the balloon was scheduled to drop at Times Square, our relationship took a sharp spiral downward. Bob moved into our neighbor Gerard's apartment but kept coming upstairs to verbally harass me. Even the cat, usually a Nosy Nelly needing to be in on all the action, couldn't take the tension and disappeared under a bed whenever "daddy" appeared.

The evening of December 30th: We were still planning on spending the 31st together, delusional to the last, as if irreparable marital angst would take a moratorium to spare us the pain of a ruptured New Year's. The sound of Bob's key rattling in the lock sent the cat scuttling as per usual. My husband came in and began his berating almost exactly where he'd left off the previous night. My mouth opened but instead of a rebuttal rebate I announced, "I'm leaving in the morning."

His lip trembled. "But... but tomorrow's New Year's Eve." I shouted, "Yeah well, spend it with Gerard. I'm done."

The next morning I left, plastic bag in hand (I returned a few days later for the cat, the only shared possession I wanted), work-bound. Bob followed me all the way to the bus stop. "How cruel you are, to leave on New Year's Eve."

My co-worker Ronnie, hearing my tale of woe invited me to spend the evening with her and her husband. This meant joining them at a party.  Blissfully I entered 'Numb town,' an emotion-free zone, though at midnight when the couples embraced (I was the only single) it was hard not to think of past New Year's when I'd been happily coupled.  Well okay, when I'd been coupled.

I vowed to myself that if I made it through this evening no other New Year's Eve ever, ever would be as poisonously sad. There was nowhere to go but up. Surely there'd always be something joyful to celebrate, even a small accomplishment. Some years I've been 'Party of Two'; other times 'Admit One.'  But having survived the Ground Zero of holiday time I've always felt grateful and blessed come December 31st. If nothing else, January 1st is a new beginning.

It’s a Lifestyle Choice, Stupid

Posted by: Sherry Amatenstein

Topic: Speaking from personal experience, what are the three best things about being single?

I love the:    

Freedom of being captain-ette of my own ship – able to watch as much junk TV as I want, to travel across the world or even across town at a moment’s notice, to spend an entire weekend on a creative project without feeling guilty and above all, having survived an oppressive marriage, to know that no one calls the shots in my life except me. Of course the flip side is that when I'm sick I have the freedom to buy myself Vicks Vapor Rub and chicken soup.

Anticipation that the next person I meet might be the one – the someone who can be my missing limb, my other half. Or even if he ultimately is not soul mate material, there’s nothing more exciting than the excitement of new love.  Unless it's the ongoing if quieter satisfaction that comes from waking up next to a beloved and being able to plan the day's activities with the person you want by your side tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.

Fulfillment I receive from making each day count. Since the only one at home is my cat, there’s no one to blame but myself if my life isn’t purring along the way I want. Therefore I push myself, often when I’m not in the mood, to attend that lecture, drag my weary bones to the gym, learn a new hobby, and involve myself in a worthy cause. It is my cause to make my life count. But wouldn’t it be lovely to explore a shared passion with my partner? One is definitely not the loneliest number. That “honor” belongs to someone trapped in a bad relationship. However, two people committed to forging a vital, pulsing relationship full of adventure and security - well, that ain't chicken feed.

Being single and being married both have pluses and minuses - it's a lifestyle choice, stupid! It's what you make of it.

SEXY TURN OF PHRASE NOT LASTING TURN-ON

Posted by:  Sherry Amatenstein
Topic: Do you think you can really and truly “feel” chemistry via email?

At a singles event in Manhattan, blindfolds were issued at the door along with drink coupons. Flirtations were on the menu along with silent prayers issued by the men and women who had no idea if the person they’d been chatting and in some cases feeling up all night were lookers or lemons.

When the big reveal occured lots of people had that initial 'aw shucks' reaction that their companion wasn't a 10. Still the evening had been exciting enough that in most cases numbers were still exchanged. "If I'd been going by her looks I'd never have approached her," one guy told me post-party, adding, "But Georgia is such a beautiful person inside that I'm still attracted.

These potential couples were real to each other - forming connections based on talk, touch, smell, breath - real in a way that's impossible on the net.  As Vix pointed out you can be wooed like Roxanne and grow dependent on those daily e's, thinking no one understands you more than this person you've never actually met... But cyber-communiques alone at best are simulated chemistry.  Yeah a sexy turn of phrase can make your nether regions tingle but it's not live, it's Memorex.

Monkey see, monkey do, monkey hug

Posted by:Sherry Amatenstein

Topic:Recently some schools banned hugging and “extreme displays of public affection” – what impact do you think this will have on kids and teens, as they become adults?

An eight grader gets detention for hugging friends at school - this because school officials fear a sexual harrassment charge by a peer.  The ‘hug offense’ was committed while comforting a friend who'd recently lost a parent  - clearly grounds for having the (school) book thrown at the perpetrator. At least she didn’t get expelled, the fate of kindergartners “caught” kissing each other on the cheek.

The message this sends to students - shooting and knifing good; hugging bad.

Yet studies have shown that a high percentage of babies “raised” in orphanages wither away before the age of two if they are starved for tactile communication.

Oh, well. Stiff upper lip and all that. A British politician was recently labeled ‘Hug-a-Hoodie’ for daring to suggest affection might be a potential solution to antisocial behavior. Sure, ‘cause the solutions we’re presently using work so well. 

If only society really did go to the apes.  In Mexico when two bands of spider monkeys meet, they hug the 'enemy' to diffuse tension and aggression. Bet if those monkeys spoke human they'd channel Entourage's Ari Gold: Can't we all just hug it out, bitch?

Deconstructing the KABOOM

Posted by: Sherry Amatenstein

Topic: Do you believe in love at first sight? Have you experienced it – and was it “the real thing” or lust?

The times I’ve eye-locked with someone and we’ve both experienced that instantaneous KABOOM, it’s been incredible, magical, and addictive. These intense experiences reminded me what it felt like to be alive. Eventually, they also reminded me what it felt like to be totally devastated, heartbroken, the emotional equivalent of being run over by a lawn mower.

I’m not saying it’s impossible to meet a soul mate at first sight, or more correctly someone who might turn into a soul mate.  After all, if there isn’t a great first meeting there’s little impetus for a second. But my spontaneous combustions haven’t led to happily ever after or even happily for a good long while. Sometimes the connection is purely sexual. These have resulted in some amazing hookups - a shout out to Ferdinand in Costa Rica! But it was clear from the get-go these were just flings – emotional as well as literal rubbers were a necessity.

When the link wasn’t just chemical but intellectual, emotional and most importantly - spiritual - the stakes were higher. The yearning was deeper, the sex way more than skin deep. Twice I thought I’d found the person I was born to be with.

The commonalities in the first case seemed eerily prescient – How can you both be born in the Bronx and have a black cat and not be meant to be? Well, you had to be there. In retrospect the attraction was smoke and mirrors – the only thing real about it was the intensity. When that waned, so did everything else.

In the second case – I’ve still got a few dings. I’m the first woman besides his mom back in first grade to whom he was able to say, “I love you.” But only when he was saying goodbye. Commitment terrifies him. The lesson of this KABOOM was that an instantaneous, bone deep recognition that you're connected in some way, while satisfying, doesn’t necessarily a Hallmark card couple make.

The man I’m seeing now is someone I liked at first sight but it's taken a long time to build to something more. There have been surprising benefits to taking it slow. Good things can come to those who wait. But there’s no rule book that says love must come at first, 15th, or even 100th sight. Or that it must last forever in order to be considered “the real thing.”

In "CVS" We Trust

Posted by: Sherry Amatenstein
Topic: What three things do you think are vital to an amazing relationship?

Ah, a question designed to give ye olde brain cells a workout. So many components are vital to a relationship taking off, but those qualities aren’t universal across the board. Some couples need constant togetherness; others thrive on alone time. Some marriages revolve around shared hobbies and goals. Other pairings are hooked around wanting a partner who’s intriguingly different rather than a clone.

Still if I must be pinned down I’ll start with the C word.No, not chemistry: Commitment. If both people aren’t yoked together by the unbreakable resolve to remain yoked together no matter what, at painful junctures in the relationship one or both might bail. Being truly committed involves more than a marriage license, shared children, pets or even a lease on a great apartment. Well, maybe the latter if you’re in New York. But the point is you relish the fun and easy times and buckle down and do what must be done (i.e.: couples therapy) even during those periods when your most fervent desire is to cut and run. You’re a we not two mes.

Moving to the other end of the alphabet – Vulnerability. You trust each enough to know it’s safe to confess those ‘shameful’ secrets and fantasies. You can be utterly real. No need to play games or test the other’s love. You know each other inside & out physically and emotionally, yet rather than being scared off, you’ve still got each other, babes!

Refusal to let things grow stale. You’re adventurers, explorers, risk-takers… Jumping out of a plane is neither required nor necessarily recommended. But you refuse to allow the minutia of everyday life to harpoon your relationship. You're always looking for new interests to explore together. It is priority for both of you not to take the other for granted.  Romance is no holiday treat but a part of your daily diet.  Rather than assume familiarity with each nook and cranny of the other’s psyche you allow each day to be a new beginning together rife with potential discoveries.

In the end the three most vital components of an amazing relationship can be summed up by another essential in American life – CVS.

Glitch in Action

Posted by: Sherry Amatenstein
Topic: Let’s look at the cougar phenomenon – older women with younger men: What makes this pairing so powerful?

The reason I'm writing about cougars this week while my esteemed fellow and female posters are deep into as Evan put it, technology, evil is due to - shock of shocks! - a technology glitch. I never got the e-memo informing me this week's topic was changed. We're given debate topics a month out and cougars was on the original line-up.  The email sent to my box telling me of the change apparently went bouncy, bounce. As do many relationships that start strong in the cyber-world and crash and burn once they become real.

So - back to cougars!

Isn't this subject getting a little, well, long in the tooth? Guess if anything could have ended the non-ending media interest in this ‘phenomenon’ it would have been the cringe-inducing reality show Age of Love pitting cougars against kittens, AKA 20-something chickies. The “prize” - a 31-year-old supposed stud. I never saw the show, only promos which precipitated aforementioned cringing.  So if anyone knows which side won – or is that lost? – please post, along with your opinion of the result.

And yeah, call me a hypocrite. I’ve added to the madness by writing about cougars (the term also refers to pumas or mountain lions traditionally known as stalk-and-ambush predators) for my more.com dating column.   My bully pulpit rationale: www.more.com’s audience is women over 40 so the topic is germane rather than gratuitous. But hurl those brickbats if you must.

It’s true these passion pairings are increasingly common: A 2003 survey conducted by the National Association of Retired Persons revealed that one-third of single women between 40 and 60 are dating younger men. And that’s fine. No quarrels. Let freedom ring. As long as it’s not another Mary Kay LeTourneau type seducing her 13-year-old student I say vive l’amour.

The match to my flame is that older men/younger women couplings still create barely a ripple, while the sight of a woman in her prime snuggled up to a lad who barely remembers life before the Internet brings on guffaws, snorts and even ridicule. And while most geezers appear thrilled to be seen with arm candy, many women of a certain age wish they had a sack over their head when out in public with a young paramour, so deep is their discomfort. Society didn’t excoriate 81-year-old Tony Bennett for marrying a 48-year-old hottie, but if an older woman doesn’t look like Demi Moore, she’ll be verbally assailed for ‘going after’ Ashton Kutcher.

I’ll close with another cringe inducer: websites like www.dateolderwomen.com, www.gocougar.com and www.intergenerational.net that exist to seduce women into actively trolling for fresh meat.  Can’t we allow attraction to just happen, and the age (or color or religious or socioeconomic or whatever) disparity between two people be viewed not as a social impropriety but as simple, unassailable, almost unimportant fact?