How to Win a Fight By Not Winning

Couple Fights: What’s the one bit of advice you’d like to share about making them productive, not destructive?
Posted by: Evan Marc Katz

As far as I know, Dale Carnegie said it first. I’m sure hundreds of other self-help gurus have reappropriated it as well. Maybe I’ll pretend I never heard it before and pass it off as my own idea. But, according to every expert I’ve ever read, the one surefire way to guarantee a conflict is by insisting that you’re right and that your partner is wrong.

Fact: NOBODY wants to be wrong. Wrong is invalidating, emasculating, and embarrassing. And anyone who tells you that you’re wrong has already lost you as an audience. Which means there’s no room for listening or peaceful negotiation. Wrong can ONLY mean a screaming match.

This is why experts often try to reframe relationship debates in terms of how someone feels. It’s not, “You were wrong for talking to that cute guy for an hour at the party,” but rather, “I felt kind of bad when I was looking to chat, and you waved me away because you were engaged in conversation with some other guy.” Same basic premise, very different delivery.

This doesn’t mean that there isn’t some empirical right and wrong. Obviously if you skinned her cat, you’re wrong, and if she cheated on you, she’s wrong. But most arguments aren’t this black and white. So assuming you’re looking to get past the argument, rather than breaking up, consider these three steps:

• Listen to your partner’s side.
• Acknowledge your partner’s experience or opinion as valid, even if you disagree with it.
• Talk about how your partner’s opinion makes you feel bad in some way. If your partner truly loves you, he/she doesn’t want to make you feel bad.

Remember, a good arguer gains the sympathy of her partner. And as long as you’re insisting that your partner is flat-out wrong, it’ll be next to impossible to get him to take your side.

Comments

[jammy]

Its really hard to predict what a woman's next move is going
to be, and hence as a man i believe , we have to learn
a lot about women and we dont have enough of knowledge yet!!!!!!!!!!!
Why women cheat

[jammy]

we have to learn
a lot about women and we dont have enough of knowledge yet!!!!!!!!!!!
Why women cheat

[casualencounters.com/blog/]

My response is this.

[Catch Cheating Spouse]

My ex husband had a hard time admitting either that he was wrong or I was right. And forget about "I'm sorry." When I caught him cheating on me, it hurt, but now that time has passed, I see it was one of the best things to happen to me.

[Pinay Girl]

To win the fight without winning is to always have an open mind and keep calm and cool whether it is your fault or not because if both parties are furious then it will just lead into more intense arguments.

[stra]

hi i think the women who date more men ina short period of time are seen as sluts as most people think they slept with these men.
well there may be two reasons why:
I f a woman become pregnant its visible and noticed that she had sex with someone
I f i guy sleeps with a lot of women there is nothing really Physical showing that and humans comment on what they See.
secondly for women they put a lot of emotions on dates whiles men actually rarely do
well Visit www.dateclass101.com and Find out for yourself

[PETER Hopkins]

Hello,
I have read similar over the past weeks and tend to agree with your comments however let’s see what will happen over time. I very much enjoyed reading your piece though.
Thanks, Peter

[Russian Dating]

You're right, I think these ideas were described in Dale Carnegie's book called "How to Win Friends and Influence People". They really work. I remember how much this book helped me when I first read it. I guess it's time to read it again to keep the ideas fresh.

[Shawn H]

Being a single child, I find it hard not winning an argument. My wife is not always right and I am not always right but when I am in the heat of the moment, I find it hard to admit I am wrong and I dig myself deeper into a hole. As always I end up on the couch where I realize how stupid the argument actually was and need to learn how to just let things go some times. Good topic.

[Feromonas]

sometimes if you win ....you lose.

[James]

I could not concur more with this post. In fact I learned something from this post concerning sales that I had never considered before.

[James]

Sometimes if you lose the battle you win the relationship.

[sites de rencontre]

the kneeled head doesn't get cut by the sword...

[Shawn]

Another great article

[rencontre cougar]

Amazing artcle thank you!

[Shaz]

Yes - a great insight to disagreements