"Confucius say... "

Topic: What advice would you give a friend looking to find love in 2008?
Posted by: Margo Z

Both sexes: 

Believe in abundance, not scarcity -- and remember that fear restricts.  That old adage of "There's more than one fishie in the sea" is another of those clichés that exists for a reason.  If something isn't working despite your best efforts, it's best to cut bait quickly in humane fashion rather than try to force something that ain't happenin'.  Believing that "this is the best I'm going to find" or "better the devil you know than the devil you don't" creates more long-term misery than breaking things off and being alone for a spell ever could. 

Always keep more than one line in the water.  Saying, "Okay, I've got my profile up" and waiting breathlessly for The One to find you out of countless thousands is a start, but it isn't enough.  Look for potential mates in the wild as well.  Speed date, join clubs, take up a new sport, volunteer somewhere, all with your "target audience" in mind.  If your ideal mate is a brainiac, see if you can qualify for Mensa.  If s/he is athletic, go skiing or marathoning or sea kayaking or WHATEVER.   Just get out there and go!  In addition to increasing your pool of candidates, it will keep you from hovering obsessively over your in-box to see if anyone sent you a "wink."

Accept that desperation has a smell; it acts as a repellent, not an attractant.  Learn to recognize the signs of desperation in yourself and eradicate them.  Broadcasting your insecurities before the six-month mark of an exclusive relationship is almost never going to get you the healthy relationship you're looking for.  Only predators and freaks find eau de "I'm-Doomed-To-Be-Alone-Until-I-Die" appealing.

Women: If you're wise, you will obey the rules of nature, not the supposed rules of the New Millennium.   Men are the hunters.  It's hard-wired into them.  That's the way it's been since the dawn of time, and the way it's going to stay within your lifetime.  Don't take their jobs away from them, okay?  Wait for that man you're interested in to call -- just don't do your waiting by the phone.  See the above advice on getting out and staying busy and creating a well-rounded, fulfilling and interesting life for yourself.  It's never "rude" or "cruel" to give a guy a bit of space and time to figure out that you're special; but it's counterproductive as hell to pursue him and get all anxious and pretzel brain twist about the hidden meaning of every bon mot that fell from his lips on your last date.  Lighten up, already.  Unless you're a labor union leader during a strike, applying pressure on your "opponent" is always the wrong strategy.

Men: No, she will NOT think you're a psychotic stalker-rapist-serial killer-loser with no life if you call her the very next night after a great date to ask her out for the next one.  She will be pleased and flattered that you respect her time and busy schedule, and if she likes you back it will save her any unnecessary agonizing over "Why hasn't he called?"  Those dumb "guy-rules" about having to wait X days to call or else you will appear uncool turn women off.  They create barriers.  They also make you seem totally run of the mill.  Want to stand out from the pack?  Show a healthy level of interest without smothering her.  And for God's sake, don't text her on her cell to ask for dates.  Talk about lame.  Pick up the bloody phone and show her you're into hearing the sound of her voice.  Text messaging is for amateurs and slackers.  That's not you, right?  Didn't think so.

Comments

[Tim]

Great inspirational stuff !

[Steve Hedger]

I would say be successful at being single first and watch as your love life just unfolds before you. The desparate searching does nothing but make you look desparate! People feel that and stay away! Create a fantastic life and look at a partner as an added value to your already brilliant life. When you meet someone, know why you choosing them cos if you don't then you might have been better off staying single.

[JennyB]

I agree that people need to get out there and contact people. Online dating is good for shy people because it doesn't mean you have to be face to face. But it's just like in person dating in that you can't just sit back and wait. You double your chances of finding someone by looking and being looked at. There's some great advice about how to find people who are right for you on vdateonline.com. I'm always reading advice and I think it helps improve what I'm trying to do both online and offline :-)

[alsdkfjdfdf]

Bah, I love it when women come after me. To say that ALL MEN MUST do X Y and Z is ridiculous. Everybody's different. Don't be lazy ladies.

[casualencounters.com/blog/]

Being uncool? definitely uncool.

[Dating Down Under]

Manners are very important! Personality is mirrored by your manners. Whether you are a person of meager means or someone who owns half of a countryside estate, your manners and conduct will speak for your true self. Women always favor a gentleman over a man who is rude and arrogant.

[Dating For Today's Man]

Very good information and inspirational.

[Margo Z]

@alsdkfjdfdf (How do you pronounce that, my brave fellow?) Of course, you LIKE it when women come after you. It's flattering. Who doesn't like to be flattered? But it's not the natural order of things, and it seldom leads to lasting, well-balanced relationships. Methinks, just perhaps, you're the one who's lazy.

[Andrew]

It can be a fine line when you talk about what is trying to hard. For some people, they want the other person to try hard and others don't.

[Dope]

A time travel machine!

[Carlos]

Hey there,

Just noticed this article was posted a *while* ago. Yet, I'm hoping my comment will be read soon by the author(s)! (c:

So...speaking of Confucius, I recall reading a story some time back supposedly told by The Man himself, wherein he likened the choice of a mate to a man choosing a fruit (or tree, perhaps?).

Apparently the man in his story sets out with the goal of making the "perfect" choice --passing numerous "less-than-perfect" choices along the way-- only to find himself reaching the end of the "field" empty-handed. So, he goes back to square-one, and eagerly chooses the first "really good" option he finds.

(I'd be REALLY curious to know if you or any of your readers knows where to actually find this quaint story. I think it definitely relates...)

Carlos

[Getiton Review]

Great post! Thanks so much!

[Tiia]

I enjoyed the post a lot. I agree with many of your ideas, and have incorporated some into my list of "internet dating rules" that have helped me over the years. I completely agree that you have to date lots of and lots of men before you find a couple with whom you connect. And, if I don't feel a connection within the first three hours (time enough for a quick dinner), it's time to jump ship!

Good writing! I listed your blog on my blog--neat ideas.

Tiia

http://teacherintl.typepad.com/blog/

[Kate]

This is a great article. Thanks for this.

[amateurmatch dating site review]

This is quite good of a post. tnks!

Jhonny B.

[Hakuna]

Great stuff, and calling the next day can be a good way to distinguish yourself from other guys. As the conventional "guy rules" become more and more popular, following them may actually be detrimental for your game.

[Orlando Dating]

I like your advice of putting several lines in the water and getting out there and living! Time goes way too slow when you are sitting waiting for responses. Then desperation sets in and that's no fun. We should be having fun while on our search. Thanks for a great post.

[Margo Z]

Tiia,

I would caution against "jumping ship" after only a three-hour conversation. While men know very quickly whether or not they are physically attracted to a woman, it can often take women longer to warm up to a man and become more open to what he has to offer. I advise my clients to give a man at least a "Date Zero" (quick coffee or drink date) and one or two "real" dates (lasting several hours) before they cut someone loose. You might meet a man who is having a off day, and he's not all that sparkling; but get him the next time when it's Saturday night, and he's relaxed, you two might really start clicking! Unless you know IMMEDIATELY that a person truly is hopeless, give your fellow human beings a chance. And you might just find them returning the favor.

[Harriet Bond]

I like the down to earth and no nonsense approach of your blog and think your advice to men is brilliant. We do all need a little help along the way! I am writing my own blog about internet dating at www.harrietbond and read lots of blogs that others have written for inspiration and feedback. Thanks for your contribution!

[Feromonas]

i like the post

[avis edenflirt]

I really like this! Nice writing... "..desperation has a smell.." hehe! It is indeed true!

[Shawn]

First of all don't be in a rush and take your time. If you are looking for online love, be very careful because now a days there are lots of online dating scams, so be vigilant before taking any step.

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