The Most Important Thing

Posted by:  Wendy Shalit
Topic:  The One Key Question to ask While Dating

On Wednesday I recounted a story I heard on a Lori Palatnik tape, a story I thought was quite adorable.  Now I want to quote something else Mrs. Palatnik said which I thought was profound.

She said that when advising people who are dating, she asks them just one question.  If the person happens to be a woman, she asks her, "Do you respect him?" And if she is talking to a man, she asks, "Will you be happy trying to make this woman happy for the rest of your life?"

The difference in questions reflects a deeper difference, Mrs. Palatnik continued; men need to be respected and they want to be loved.  With women, it's the other way around.  We need to be loved, and want to be respected. 

I thought this was very fascinating, and I found myself wondering what all of you would think about it.  So--any thoughts?

(One cavil: this blog has been filed in advance because of the Jewish holiday, so I won't be able to respond to your thoughts until Sunday, sorry. But I look forward to hearing your perspective! )

Comments

[Jennie]

It's so refreshing to have someone actually articulate that there really ARE differences in men and women. I wish I'd known that exact thing - that men need to be respected and want to be loved - BEFORE my marriage fell apart. Pay attention to Mrs. Palatnik, she knows what she's talking about.

[Seduction 3]

What Mrs. Palatnik says can be true in general relationships but I don't understand how it can work in a man-woman relationship. If I love someone I usually respect her/him too (we are talking about true love here, not infatuation), but if I respect someone it doesn't mean I love her/him. Therefore what I need (or want) is love and, with it, I can have respect too. The dichotomy need/want escapes me. If I want something is usually because I need it (not a material thing, that I could want to have even without a real need).

[Wendy]

I agree with these comments totally. But I think Mrs. Palatnik is coming from an understanding where love is a decision, based on admiring qualities in the other person, and then just "going for it" and choosing to give to them.

That's why she asks men if they are prepared to make this decision--essentially to give to this woman for the rest of their lives.

As for women, I think women CAN actually love without necessarily respecting--it's a more maternal type of love. And she's saying that marriages work best when there is true admiration for the man and not just warm fuzzy feelings.

I agree that one feeling generally follows the other but the priorities may be different for the sexes.

[dangermom]

I am skeptical of this idea. I think both men and women need both, and I can't really get behind the idea of the priorities being all that different.

It seems to me that men and women can both love without respecting, but that's no sort of love to build a marriage on and does not lead to a solid relationship. I don't really believe that a woman can be truly happy being loved, but not respected, by her husband.

I'm probably biased, though; I broke up with the guy I was dating in college because I realized that while he certainly loved me, he didn't respect my thinking--deep down, he thought I was gullible, or stupid, or something. It was disguised by his affection for me for a while, but once I figured it out, I couldn't stay in the relationship. And I don't think we could have been happy if we had gotten married.

[DImples21]

Being young in love I truly understood the statement and have many times recognize the differences in what is most important when it comes to a relationship. At times I much so confused because what I first look for is love whereas a man look for a woman who firstly can respect Him for who he truly is and love him because of who he has become or becoming. Maybe I might be a bit naive being so young in love but both men and women concepts on relationships are the same but are expected at different times.

[JennyB]

I read this great article on vdateonline.com in the forum page about how to know if you're with the right person. I think the most important thing is that the person you are with makes you happy and loves you for you.