Making Sure

Posted by: Wendy Shalit
Topic: A couple decides to divorce. At what point after they separate should they start dating other people?

There are many ways to read this question.  One is:  should you wait until the divorce is final before dating other people?  I think it largely depends on how you've made the decision to divorce.

In Jewish teaching, divorce is compared to amputating a limb.  If your hand hurts, you don't cut it off.  If your hand really, really really hurts--well then, you still don't cut it off.  But if your hand is turning the rest of your body green and you can't restore blood flow, then sometimes you have to amputate. 

For many couples today, sadly, divorce is not a last resort.

Given this, and especially if there are children involved, no, I don't think that people who are separated should rush to date others.  Very often during a separation, that's when one party recognizes that a divorce would be a mistake. This happened to a couple I know, and they got back together--now they are doing swimmingly.   So while commonly thought of as a time to consult lawyers, a separation is also time for a more basic question: Is there anything else that can be done to save this marriage?

Obviously, that can't always be done, and if divorce is necessary then you've got to get one. Either way,  one is usually not in a good position to figure out all this while bar-hopping.

Once the divorce is final, how long before dating others?  I hope I don't shock anyone too much, but I think this part is completely up to the individual.   

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