Cousins Marrying Cousins

Posted by: Dan Savage
Topic: Should romantically involved cousins be permitted to marry? What if they have children--does that put a different spin on the situation?

Anti-gay marriage pundits will no doubt blame our discussion of this topic on the gays—they blame everything else on us, from bestiality to polygamy to out-of-wedlock births. So why not cousin marriage?

Because you should look outside your family, says Greg and Amiira. But cousins can, as Dr. Helen points out, be far enough outside our families to avoid thumbs sticking out of foreheads and other perils of inbreeding. (Funny, I haven't noticed any thumbs sticking out of Prince Charles' forehead--and he's the product of a thousand years of inbreeding.)

But in good gay fashion I'd like undermine—undermining is what we do best (see, "Rome, fall of Empire"; "Marriage in the United States, Collapse of")—our premise. When we ask "should romantically involved cousins be allowed to marry," we imply that romantically involved cousins are not currently allowed to marry. They are. A few facts from CousinCouples.com...

Fact: 26 states allow first cousin marriages; Most people can marry their cousin in the US.

Fact: US prohibitions against cousin marriages predate modern genetics. Hmmm....

Fact: No European country prohibits marriage between first cousins. It is also legal throughout Canada and Mexico to marry your cousin. The USA is the only western country with cousin marriage restrictions.

Fact: Children of non-related couples have a 2-3% risk of birth defects, as opposed to first cousins having a 4-6% risk. Genetic counseling is available for those couples that may be at a special risk for birth defects (e.g. You have a defect that runs in your family) In plain terms first cousins have at a 94 percent + chance of having healthy children. Check the links section for more information on genetic counselors. The National Society of Genetic Counselors estimated the increased risk for first cousins is between 1.7 to 2.8 percent, or about the same a any woman over 40 years of age.

Fact: Second cousins have little, if any increased chance of having children with birth defects, per the book "Clinical Genetics Handbook”– courtesy of the March of Dimes.

Fact: The frequency of cousin marriages in the USA is about 1 in 1,000

Fact: The frequency of cousin marriages in Japan is about 4 in 1,000

Fact: It is estimated that 20 percent of all couples worldwide are first cousins. It is also estimated that 80 percent of all marriages historically have been between first cousins!

So... cousin couples are getting married every day, and the risks of birth defects when cousins marry and have children—and not all married couple have children—is low, comparable to older women having children, which is increasingly the norm as couples in USA put off having children. If we're going to ban cousin marriages out of an overblown concern for genetic defects, we would have to compel women to have babies before age 40 or not have babies at all. And no one is proposing that.

For the record: I am not in favor of any weakening the incest taboo. I'm against, oh, brother-sister marriage, father-daughter flings, mother-son anything at all. And I'm willing to concede that a certain discomfort with cousin marriage is a small price to pay if it reinforces the good ol' incest taboo. But it's not illegal in a majority—barely—of US states and it shouldn't be illegal in any of them.

Comments

[Amber]

:) Whomever you are, you rock. I completely agree. There's absolutely nothing wrong with cousin marriage. It isn't really such a big deal genetically as everyone thinks, and everyone needs to face the facts: No one can help who they fall in love with.

^_^ I hope you live a happy life, my friend.

[Amber]

:) Whomever you are, you rock. I completely agree. There's absolutely nothing wrong with cousin marriage. It isn't really such a big deal genetically as everyone thinks, and everyone needs to face the facts: No one can help who they fall in love with.

^_^ I hope you live a happy life, my friend.

[Daniel P]

What about gay first cousins marrying ?

[Nadia]

I appreciate the facts about cousin couples. I am currently madly, and deeply in love with a first cousin that I met when I was 17 (I am now 25). I have loved him since. I have struggled with this sooooo much, and so has he.It is true what they say, that you can't help who you love, and it was not because I couln't find anyone outside my family either. I had many boyfriends before him, and even in between him (trying to find someone else to forget him). This is the hardest thing that I have gone through, we love each other a lot. He has told me that if we were not cousins, we would already be married with kids....etc. I don't know how our story is going to end, but whatever happens, he will always be in my heart.

[liuchen]

are you sure that almost all the western countries allow cousin marriage? how about holland and australia? could you give me some exact answer with evidence such as their marriage law? thank you

[Sam]

Why r so many people against cousins marrying cousins? Its not fair. Ive known this 1 cousin of mine since birth & have slowly have developed love for them. This year I can hardly bear it. I am suffering cuz I have no one to talk to about this...Practicly everyone is against IT. There has been only 1 relationship between cousins in my family(that I know of) and that was my great aunt and her husband. They are gone now so I can't find any help from them. I'm not even sure if my cousin loves me in return but he has been acting strange and awkward-like for some time. Why...oh why does it have to be so difficult for people to understand people can't help on who they fall in love with?

[Sam]

And who says cousin couples can't adopt instead taking the chance of having children? There a lot of children out there in the world that have no homes either.

[Sam]

And who says cousin couples can't adopt instead of trying for a baby? There are a lot of children out there with no homes.

[orexis online 50]

I'm sad all the time because i have no good friends. The group of people i hang out with are nice but they're all best friends and i just kind of tag along. And everyone else in my school are snobs. Last year I was in the "popular" group but they started ignoring me so i stood up for myself and ended up with these two girls who seemed really nice but it happend again and now i have no really good best friends. Im afraid this will happen again and i hate everyone in my school. All anyone cares about is looks, and although many people tell me im beautiful no one still wants to be friends with me. I dont care about looks of other people friends wise but everyone else does and no one wants to be friends. Im very nice but the problem is that either the people are snobs or they already have a best friend and wont let anyone in and I dont want to be friends with them. What should I do?

[cerebritis]

I noticed at the laundrymat that the water does not appear at the bottom of the window, it only rises just below - presumably filling a basin below that the perforated washer chamber / cylnder spins thru. I know that they've had a problem with patrons putting in too much soap and causing an overflow. I'm wondering if they are reducing the water level in the washer to combat that problem (and cut down on their costs for water and hot water - very cheap place)?

[Rose]

I have loved my first cousin since I was a little girl. My family forbade me to have any contact with him because of the taboo. This only fuled my love for him and I have loved him deeply ever since. I tried to write to him as a teenager but his letters had been intercepted and the family made it known that they didn't approve by snubbing me and making me feel awful as a person. I have never intended any harm to any members of my family and, I love them all. They mean the world to me. It isn't my fault that we were all close. These days though, we are all so distant that I don't see how they can still harbour any hatred towards me.
I love my cousins. All of them. There is much to be said about love for your family.
There are so many broken homes with homeless, un-cared for, unloved, and sometimes, brutilized children these days. What's the big deal about loving your own cousin?
I am an older woman. I have had my children, And, I have spent years settling for second best because I was not allowed to be with the one I love.
Although, I am seen as socially doing the right thing, I am unhappy and empty.
I love my cousin with an immense purity. A love that supercedes all others and seconds none.
I will love you forever my darling.
My cousin.
My true love.

[S.B.]

I am in love with one of my cousins. We were never close growing up, I had only met him a few times. Still, everytime we've been together there's been chemistry. I can't get him out of my mind. We do try settling for others to fill the void. And go on with our lives. Recently he's confessed his love for me and out of the many relationships I've been in, this feels right. He is half a world away and such a part of me. Love you C.B.

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[lyn]

I too have been in love with my first cousin for 28 years. We've always lived in seperate states and is see him every other summer on family vacation. Our first kiss that was different then all the rest was apprx. At age 17. We knew by how we were raised that no one would agree. Several years later after my first marriage failed, another moment was shared and then I knew he was my soul mate. We both cried a lot knowing we couldn't be because of what we knew the family would think. At age of 45 , we both have reconnected once again and realize we want to pursue this relationship but afraid of the family frankly giving us hell. I'm telling you what no one can help when love happens. For once in my life I'm happy and whole. Butterflies every time he's near. We talk on phone daily and trying to figure out how to make it work.

[Confused]

I am in love with a first cousin on my mother's side.I have loved her for several years.I realized this when she would visit me and my (then) girlfriend and spend the night.We get along great,can discuss anything with one another.We can laugh at the stupidest things together and enjoy a lot of the same things,,,even video games.She has said that she thinks I am attractive personality wise and if I lost some weight I would be physically.(I do not hold that against her,I knew she meant nothing by it and indeed I do need to.LOL)Later on down the road,she was very distraught one day because an old bf that she still had some feelings for just finally blew her off completely.I was able to get her to talk to me about it and I eventually told her in a round about way,that my feelings and love for her was more than just one cousin for another..I said it was a shame that we were kin,otherwise I would have asked her to be my girlfriend years ago.She agreed and said we would have gotten along great.Needless to say that made me very happy.I proceeded to ask her if that was just a quick response to what I had just said or if she had actually thought that before.She admitted that indeed she had considered that as well.Well after that there was a period where someone decided it was a good idea to tell my mother this(it was partially discussed on our FB messages)Needless to say my mom flipped out and said it was sick and incestuous.She said that if something like that ever happened again,she would tell my now current girlfriend and that would of course cause problems between us and probably cause me to never see my daughter again.Well that caused me to shy away from her awhile and not talk.Eventually,I decided to talk to her again and indeed found out from her that is was not her but another family member that was apparently over her house one day and was snooping through her messages and saw our conversation so decided to snitch.Well after that she said not to worry about it and it was no big deal.We now talk again regularly and I believe she knows how I feel about her.I hope she at least feels partially that way about me as well.Perhaps one day there will arrive the chance to pursue the love more.(I know there would still be a bit of opposition from family,that is a given)You just can not help who you are attracted to. She is a special woman and she does indeed know that I see her as that. :)

[Craig]

I am 50 barely my cousin is 32. We have been through a lot together over the last year and have finally come to realize that we have deep romantic feelings for each other.

Genetically there is very low risk of defects if we were to have children. The relationship is amazing! There is a closeness and companionship there that I have never felt despite lots of dating and two marriages.

We have not had sex as that is against our personal beliefs outside of marriage.

If you truly love your cousin then who cares what anyone else thinks? I will tell my parents after the fact and they will take a few deep breaths and embrace us I am sure.

After two bad marriages for me and one for her I think we are going to just go ahead and get married in California or Colorado where it is legal and enjoy our lives together for as long as we live.

I am more concerned than she is about the age difference but feel incredibly lucky to be loved by her and want to live up to her expectations.

We are both very successful business people so this isn't a sugar daddy thing either. Originally I fought this a bit and then started looking into it and have done a ton of research over the last six months and see no reason why we shouldn't be together?

I met a cousin couple and their two kids several years ago and they have wonderful lives together and their children are bright and beautiful. Einstein was married to his first cousin and they had no problems with their children either.

If its real and not infatuation then I would say..GO FOR IT!

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