Black-and-White Grayness

Posted by:  Wendy Shalit
Conversation about: black-and-white infidelity

Some of the comments on Dan's last blog about infidelity really intrigued me.  Specifically,

...on this particular topic Dan is the only one with the right perspective...the tendency our culture has to see people in black and white is bipolar: life is nothing but gray...   [emphasis mine, to underscore the problematic parts of these statements.] 

Don't mean to be rude, but these comments are self-contradictory. To say "life is nothing but gray" is a classic black-and-white statement. 

I find human nature so fascinating.  Have you ever noticed that most people see themselves as brimming with subtlety--always making important and fine distinctions--whereas those with whom they disagree are invariably dogmatic boors?  In other words, there's a tendency to see yourself as "gray," and to paint your ideological enemies in black-and-white. An example, perhaps of the self-serving bias. (We've all been there--I've done it myself.)

With respect to the man who sought Dan's help, and Dan feeling like infidelity is sometimes the "ethical" course, I can appreciate why he sees this as the gray middle ground.  Certainly, the situation he mentions is a very difficult one.  And yet I have to disagree.

The dichotomy Dan presents, of a sexless marriage versus a fulfilling and very necessary affair, I see as a false dichotomy.

A marriage without intimacy is indeed a poor imitation of a marriage, but to me the next step would be to make a serious effort to seek help.  Have they gone to marital counseling?  Sex therapy?  Has his wife had her TSH (thyroid) levels checked?  (Being hypothyroid commonly puts a damper on the female sex drive.) It sounds like he is closing off in response to her closing off--which may be why medications have had no effect on him. Has he taken his wife out to a romantic dinner and told her how much he misses the physical aspect of their relationship? There are at least 20 related questions I would ask such a man.  He's presenting the affair as the "only" humane solution, but I would challenge that.

To me, seeking help would be the gray middle ground here.

Comments

[Star411]

I agree 100%, an affair isn't an option, he needs to work on his marriage with his wife. Swallow his pride and pursue his wife and the love they shared as if his life depends on it.(and it does a happy one anyways)

He need to remove any and all doubt that she has concerning his love and devotion for her.

Stop just telling her he loves her and truly show her everyday single day. I'm sure she knows that the marriage is struggling right now but, a women that knows......beyond a shadow of a doubt that her husband truly and completely loves and desires her will do him good all the days of his life.

Try this for every 1 time you tell her you love her show her 3 times. You can show her by taking her for a long walk and holding her hand, helping her out around the house, running her bath water, surprising her for lunch. She may think you have gone crazy at first but she will get into it and then she soon will getting into you more than you can image.

She will respond and be grateful to have a husband that loves her and didn't give up on their marriage.

[Brian]

And then what? What if all that has been attempted and still there is no sex? I do all that I can and my wife and I love each other, but it kills me that we have completely lost any sense of sexuality to our relationship because SHE chose to take it off the table - no discussion, no compromise. But she feels really sorry about it, so I guess that makes it all better, right?

[Peter]

I'm afraid I'm with Brian on this one. NOT that he should have an affair, but that I'm sick and tired of self righteous sounding (note: I said SOUNDING) comments along the lines of "so your needs aren't being met? well try harder lazybones and suddenly it'll all be ok." It simply doesn't work like that.

In counselling I have seen any number of relationships grind into habitual patterns that do not satisfy one while the other is perfectly satisfied. One of the hardest challenges is to convince the satisfied partner to risk their comfort zone in order to begin satisfying their spouse.

This is actually much harder where comittment to marriage is stronger. The satisfied spouse thinks their partner would never leave, on principle, and thus finds even less reason to act on the problem.

This is not just about sex. It is about any need that either spouse has which is not met as part of the habitual relationship.

Unfortunately the sex issue is loaded with social, political, feminist and religious baggage, which makes it far more complicated to work through.

Whatever your answer, please don't insult the efforts and integrity of someone who is genuinely desperate by suggesting they just need to try harder.

http://cumgranosalis70.blogspot.com/

[confused]

I am following this debate and I am wondering, are the commentators who are upset talking about their own personal lives or are they making assumptions about the person who wrote to Dan? Can someone please clarify?

[Fuzz]

Wendy was making a very valid point. This guy didn't try anything, he just decided on his own that an affair would solve his problem.

Wendy is saying at the very least confront her with your troubles, make sure it's not a medical condition. If in the end she just refuses to have any intimacy at all and for no sound reason, guess what? An affair still isn't an option. Get a divorce. An affair isn't going to make his life better, it's going to make it worse.

[Peter]

If in the end she just refuses to have any intimacy at all and for no sound reason, guess what? An affair still isn't an option. Get a divorce. An affair isn't going to make his life better, it's going to make it worse.

I agree that an affair isn't going to make life better, or even more bearable. It carries its own baggage, complications and destruction to all relationships involved.

I am not keen on the divorce option either.

The point I am making is that we seem so frightened to suggest that a wife has a sexual responsibility (just as both partners have responsibility for each one of each other's needs) that the so called 'solutions' circle around the problem without actually naming it or confronting it. People seem very quick to point to things the gentleman can do, and perhaps some external factors, but approach the matter of challenging the lady with fear and trembling.

I agree that marriage should never become a form of sexual slavery, but the pendulum has swung too far.

http://cumgranosalis70.blogspot.com/

[bitooli]

I really feel rankled when Ihear this discussion about women having less sexual desire. Somehow, all the time the poor wife is painted as being the asexual object. The reality is, there are more men that are impotent than there are women who have sexual disorders. Its just that themen make more noise when wife doesn't wish to have sex because the guy doesn't know how to do it right. And when the man is sexless, the woman sublimates her needs and keeps her mouth shut, regardless of the fact if she decides to stay married or get a divorce.

The above is completely experiential, as well as observed in clinical settings, as I am a therapist as well.

Its a myth that man wants and woman doesn't want. Just like the myth that men are the one who leave women. The reality is, today 80% of the divorces are initiated by women, and my guess is a lot of these 80% of divorces are due to the fact that the husbands failed to perform.

My 2 cents....

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