Reader's Query

Posted by:  Wendy Shalit
Topic:  Why Do Parents Care So Much About Religion?

Today I thought I'd try to answer a reader's question, which was just posted on an earlier blog:

i just want to know why parents are always so concerned that the guy you're going to marry is the same religion as you are! my mom always bites off my head, she goes on and on about how the guy absolutely has to be christian!

This is indeed one of the great mysteries of life, perhaps especially when your own parents don't really practice their religion.  Why is it so important that the son-in-law be Christian (or Jewish) if you yourself are not even practicing?   

This is a difficult question and there are no easy answers. I think parents have a general notion that when kids have more things in common, the marriage is more likely to be successful. (When they have personality types in common, as our very own Dr. Helen Fisher demonstrates in the June issue of Oprah, this doesn't always lead to the best match. ) But in an age with a high divorce rate, it's understandable that parents should want to guide their kids and give them the best stab at success.   Religious values can differ, of course, and reflect very different ideas about raising children (among other things) so yes, sharing these values can bring a couple closer--just as not sharing them can drive a wedge between them.

But if a religion is not practiced?  Even then it is not so simple. Often after becoming a parent yourself,  suddenly, customs that previously had no meaning now loom larger in significance. Different traditions that had never seemed mutually exclusive--as if by magic--now become so. 

What does this all add up to?  I wouldn't rush to dismiss your parents' advice.  At the same time, I would recommend starting at a different point:  Explore what you really believe in first, how you want to raise your children, what's truly important to you, and the space that you're prepared to make for God in your life.   You have a right to figure this all out on your own.  Then and only then are you in a position to seek out someone who can join you in your path.
 

Comments

[tony]

if we look to 2 corinthians 6-14 we find that we are not to be equally unyoked together. what if you keeep Gods Holy days & your spouce wants to keep pagan holidays there will be great conflict in your family. we should keep Gods word over tradions made by man

[Jackie]

My husband and I are both catholic, so technically, we have no problems there. But after 13 years of marriage, I struggle with the values we each hold about religion.
While I was raised catholic (going to Church every sunday, attending sunday school, confession on a regular basis, etc...), I stopped practising in my late teens. It was my choice and my parents never tried to influence me about my religious values, which have been steadily declining since, for many reasons.
When I met my husband, religion was never an issue and I don't recall us even discussing it. I knew his family held strong religious values, but to me, it was just that: their belief and I was fine with it. I was a little unconfortable "having to go to church" on sunday when we stayed at his mom's. But I did it anyway, as a sign of respect (now, 13 years later, I'm not so sure about that logic).
Anyway, we now have two small children and we agreed to raise them catholic. I may sound like an hypocrite, but even if I don't believe in God now, I want my children to have a religion. I want them to have a base, to which they can compare to other religions. Later on in life, they can decide if they believe in God, and if they want to practice their faith or not.
The problem I face, is that my husband and his family are very conservative and they believe that there is no personal choice in the matter. When we visit my mother in law, everyone HAS to go to church. If we miss the morning service, then we have to go in the afternoon. And I always resent this imposition. I am a grown woman and I feel that I should be able to decide what I believe in (or not), and follow my own values. So, it is always a struggle. I don't want to confuse my daughters about it, so I usually go along. My husband knows how I feel and he respects my views.
I guess my point is that I agree with Wendy. I think the key is to decide for yourself how much religion you are willing to take in your life, and then go from there. I think it is equally important to discuss with your partner what you want.
As for Tony's comment, I cannot agree. It is fine when you believe in God, but if you don't, why should you follow God's words?
I hope I am not being offensive here, because I have no intention of being so. I don't believe in God, but I believe in people's kindness, in people helping each other. Maybe I'm wrong. But again, maybe you're wrong. I just think we are not going to know about God's true power until we die. In the mean time, it should be up to people to have their own values.

[Kaveh]

I don't think you believe in love, just in religion!! What a petty.