The Great Mate Debate

Speeding through the first step?

Topic: Speed-dating: A little like entering the great wild?
Posted by: Aly Walansky

A friend and I (actually the friend I wrote about last week), decided to try our luck at the mystical world that is speed-dating last night.

If any of you are unfamiliar (and missed the Sex and the City episode devoted to it), you take turns telling the person across the table all the meaningful details about yourself, hoping that (if they are not too terribly strange) you might click enough to want to have a full date. You’ve got 3 minutes. Then a gong shrills, and your next date appears. Repeat. 40 times. If you are lucky, you may get a pee break.

We are talking serious marathon dating.

In the SATC plot, Miranda didn’t do well at all. Many people don’t - and then you ask yourself, do you really want to put yourself through 40 bad dates in one evening? Isn’t ONE enough?

As anyone who’s ever been single knows … when it rains it pours. Raining men, that is! We’ve all been there, suffering through a long dry spell - and then all at once, the heavens open up and send us a downpour of bow-wrapped manhood! You meet several hot dating prospects within a couple of weeks and have to juggle a bunch of guys at once. That is exactly what the scene is at speed dating, except it’s all blind dates, and you are obligated to be nice (for 3 minutes), before moving on.

Depending on the locale (I ended up at a downtown lounge complete with video arcades, stiff drinks and free Cosi on premesis), participants take their seats on sofas or long narrow bar tables. When the gong blows, your first 3-minute date has begun. The gong will blow every three minutes and the men get up and move to the next date. If you like the guy you’re talking to, you write his name on your score card and circle ‘Yes’. If you don’t want to see him again, you circle ‘No’. When the event is over, you enter in your own responses on the website. Everyone’s Yes’s and No’s are calculated, and if you “match” with a guy – meaning you said yes to him and he said yes to you, you receive each other’s email addresses. The next step is up to you! Very often the event will be centered around certain age groups or fields (say, creative people).

Sounds great, in theory - but all just a little intense for the average shy single. And so, the next day, it all seems a little like a whirlwind - friends attending together, one disappointed because the other got more matches than she did, and the girl who got lots of matches feeling somewhat confused...honestly not able to at this point pinpoint one guy against the other in her memory's annals.

So, I was wondering, what all of you thought of this dating "method". Is there a way to best make it work for you?

"Confucius say... "

Topic: What advice would you give a friend looking to find love in 2008?
Posted by: Margo Z

Both sexes: 

Believe in abundance, not scarcity -- and remember that fear restricts.  That old adage of "There's more than one fishie in the sea" is another of those clichés that exists for a reason.  If something isn't working despite your best efforts, it's best to cut bait quickly in humane fashion rather than try to force something that ain't happenin'.  Believing that "this is the best I'm going to find" or "better the devil you know than the devil you don't" creates more long-term misery than breaking things off and being alone for a spell ever could. 

Always keep more than one line in the water.  Saying, "Okay, I've got my profile up" and waiting breathlessly for The One to find you out of countless thousands is a start, but it isn't enough.  Look for potential mates in the wild as well.  Speed date, join clubs, take up a new sport, volunteer somewhere, all with your "target audience" in mind.  If your ideal mate is a brainiac, see if you can qualify for Mensa.  If s/he is athletic, go skiing or marathoning or sea kayaking or WHATEVER.   Just get out there and go!  In addition to increasing your pool of candidates, it will keep you from hovering obsessively over your in-box to see if anyone sent you a "wink."

Accept that desperation has a smell; it acts as a repellent, not an attractant.  Learn to recognize the signs of desperation in yourself and eradicate them.  Broadcasting your insecurities before the six-month mark of an exclusive relationship is almost never going to get you the healthy relationship you're looking for.  Only predators and freaks find eau de "I'm-Doomed-To-Be-Alone-Until-I-Die" appealing.

Women: If you're wise, you will obey the rules of nature, not the supposed rules of the New Millennium.   Men are the hunters.  It's hard-wired into them.  That's the way it's been since the dawn of time, and the way it's going to stay within your lifetime.  Don't take their jobs away from them, okay?  Wait for that man you're interested in to call -- just don't do your waiting by the phone.  See the above advice on getting out and staying busy and creating a well-rounded, fulfilling and interesting life for yourself.  It's never "rude" or "cruel" to give a guy a bit of space and time to figure out that you're special; but it's counterproductive as hell to pursue him and get all anxious and pretzel brain twist about the hidden meaning of every bon mot that fell from his lips on your last date.  Lighten up, already.  Unless you're a labor union leader during a strike, applying pressure on your "opponent" is always the wrong strategy.

Men: No, she will NOT think you're a psychotic stalker-rapist-serial killer-loser with no life if you call her the very next night after a great date to ask her out for the next one.  She will be pleased and flattered that you respect her time and busy schedule, and if she likes you back it will save her any unnecessary agonizing over "Why hasn't he called?"  Those dumb "guy-rules" about having to wait X days to call or else you will appear uncool turn women off.  They create barriers.  They also make you seem totally run of the mill.  Want to stand out from the pack?  Show a healthy level of interest without smothering her.  And for God's sake, don't text her on her cell to ask for dates.  Talk about lame.  Pick up the bloody phone and show her you're into hearing the sound of her voice.  Text messaging is for amateurs and slackers.  That's not you, right?  Didn't think so.

There's "Trying"...and there's "Trying too hard"

Topic: What advice would you give a friend looking to find love in 2008?
Posted by: Amy Spencer

I see your point, Evan. Aly's advice that singles should "stop trying" in dating seems, as she admits, very defeatist. It's the equivalent of "Just wait by the phone for a man to call," which we girls have learned to stop doing long ago (at least I hope we have, right girls?).

But I think there is a line here. The way I see it, "trying" is one thing. And that's what you're talking about, Evan: Going online to find love. Asking to be set up. Giving a guy a second chance even when there wasn't chemistry the first time. If what you want is love, then I say sure, try anything.

But then there's trying too hard, and that's another thing entirely. I know, because I've been the girl that tried too hard, though I didn't know it at the time. I cringe when I think about the guys I pushed to like me, the dates I pushed to happen, the parties I waded through in desperation, asking everyone, "Is anyone single here? Have you seen any cute guys?" I remember once hounding my sister once to arrange a set-up with the brother of a friend of hers who was mentioned to me in passing. (Can you follow that?) I'd call my sister every day asking, "Did you talk to R about her brother yet? Have you heard anything? Can you make it happen? Three weeks later, the brother finally told R, who told my sister, who told me: "He said 'I hear she's a brunette. I don't date brunettes..."

God, I felt like a fool. Not only was I trying too hard, but I doing it for some jerk-off (can I say that on here? Trust me, I want to say worse!). The point is, that experience was not good for my self-esteem. I felt like a desperate single woman "on the prowl" just like Aly's friend, willing to do anything to find a partner. Persistence seems to work with everything else in life, I thought, so why not with love?

Well, because love can't be earned by hours worked or effort repaid. Finding love is, unfortunately, one of those things we can't force or control. I guess agree with both Evan and Aly: Try, definitely. But if you feel yourself trying too hard—and by that I mean feeling desperate, turning ugly, feeling down on yourself, hating the search for love—then stop! Please, for your own sake. Stop the cycle that I was in and that Aly's friend is in now, and focus on other things for a minute. You can try again later! The watched pot never boils, and a depressingly-stared-and-glared-at love life won't heat up either.

Yeah, it sounds unhelpful to suggest sitting back and resting. But sometimes, for your own sanity, you need to! Pick one of the other 135 facets of your life that make you who you are, other than dating—friends, exercise, reading, writing, dancing, cooking, walking, eating—and focus on that for a minute. And who knows, you may end up being one of those people who (like me) end up saying, "It's so funny, the minute I stopped trying..." and "It was just when I least expected it..." Remember, clichés become clichés because there's truth in there.

Stop Trying Too Hard? Really?

Posted by: Evan Marc Katz
Topic: Response to Aly Walansky

Stop being desperate, maybe.
Stop being needy, definitely.
Stop being bitter, absolutely.

But stop trying so hard?

I've got great respect for you, Aly, but it seems that your advice is specific to your friend. It's not that she's trying too hard. It's that she's a sad, jaded person whose air of negativity consumes her and repels men.

So you can blame it on the fact that she's "pressing". But the solution to your friend is not to stop trying. It's to lighten up. Find happiness elsewhere. Build her self esteem. Be ready for a relationship. And THEN try, try, try to meet a likeminded single man.

Truly, Aly, I didn't mean to call you out. The only reason I'm weighing in is because of the fairy tale perspectives that so many of us have.

"It happens when you least expect it", "It should happen naturally", "It's all about instant chemistry".

No, no, no! It CAN happen when you least expect it. It's NICE when it happens naturally. And instant chemistry CAN be thoroughly intoxicating. But that doesn't mean it's the ONLY way for it to happen. Ask anyone who's ever dated online (unnatural), thru a matchmaker (unnatural), gave someone a second date when the first one wasn't magic (not instant chemistry), or spent five years on the prowl until Mr. Right came along (very much on the hunt).

I said it in Why You're Still Single, and I'll say it again now: things don't just happen. We make them happen. Give your love life the attention you give your work life and watch things start to bloom.

Stop Trying So Hard!

Topic: What advice would you give a friend looking to find love in 2008?
Posted by: Aly Walansky

I think my advice is to stop trying.
That sounds awfully defeatest for a relationship blog, but the point is that as long as you run around looking for love ("in all the wrong places"), it's going to elude you.

I have a friend who has been on the prowl as long as I know her. She goes to bars for the specific purpose of meeting her future husband. Halfway through her second drink, she grows morose that no one is talking to her and begins to grow bitter, angry, and jaded, followed by teary. This happens just about every time we are out, and I'm pretty sure is the reason she's still on the prowl.

Sad thing is, she's an awesome girl that when she's not on a mission, is fun to talk to, and easy to approach. But who wants to deal with *that* pressure?

Relationships and love take (and deserve) work. But meeting people is the fun part. Just have fun, be yourself, and let it happen.

The Pause That Saves a Relationship

Topic: Couple Fights: What’s the one bit of advice you’d like to share about making them productive, not destructive?
Posted by: Sherry Amatenstein

Two boxers circling one another in the ring thirsting for blood, each consumed with finding and attacking what they sense is their opponent’s Achilles heel. If this resembles you and your partner when you fight minus the ring and boxing gloves, then Houston, we’ve got a problem. As Evan said so cogently an argument between lovers should not be about proving one is right and the other wrong.  This is not the fight of the century. You are not (hopefully) looking to deliver the knockout punch.  Your dispute concerns a specific issue; both parties should be left standing and after a cooling off period back to the good stuff. 

 

 

But in the heat of the moment all you can focus on is that you’re upset. This person who is supposed to cherish you is doing the opposite and hurting you with his/her stubbornness, inconsiderateness, poor judgment, etc. Flush with such a riot of emotions words can fly out of your mouth that you want to take back the moment they’re airborne. Words that have nothing to do with the issue at hand but concern past wrongs and imagined slights. Words that zero in on your partner’s insecurities.

 

Your job - to avoid uttering phrases like, “You’re totally right. Your mother does like your sister best” or “No wonder you never got that promotion. You’re too timid.”  Take a deep, relaxing, cleansing breath and ask yourself if you really need to deliver this low blow.  Do you really want to see pain in your beloved’s eyes and know you caused it?  Can’t you keep the fight centered on whose turn it is to pick the movie?

Still fuming but the pause was the sanity break you needed to know it’s not a wise move to go for the jugular? Say, “I’m too angry now to continue this.  Let me take a little walk (listen to some music, etc.) and we can talk about it later.”

Fair fighting is similar to the diet maxim: A minute on the lips; forever on the hips. 

How to Win a Fight By Not Winning

Couple Fights: What’s the one bit of advice you’d like to share about making them productive, not destructive?
Posted by: Evan Marc Katz

As far as I know, Dale Carnegie said it first. I’m sure hundreds of other self-help gurus have reappropriated it as well. Maybe I’ll pretend I never heard it before and pass it off as my own idea. But, according to every expert I’ve ever read, the one surefire way to guarantee a conflict is by insisting that you’re right and that your partner is wrong.

Fact: NOBODY wants to be wrong. Wrong is invalidating, emasculating, and embarrassing. And anyone who tells you that you’re wrong has already lost you as an audience. Which means there’s no room for listening or peaceful negotiation. Wrong can ONLY mean a screaming match.

This is why experts often try to reframe relationship debates in terms of how someone feels. It’s not, “You were wrong for talking to that cute guy for an hour at the party,” but rather, “I felt kind of bad when I was looking to chat, and you waved me away because you were engaged in conversation with some other guy.” Same basic premise, very different delivery.

This doesn’t mean that there isn’t some empirical right and wrong. Obviously if you skinned her cat, you’re wrong, and if she cheated on you, she’s wrong. But most arguments aren’t this black and white. So assuming you’re looking to get past the argument, rather than breaking up, consider these three steps:

• Listen to your partner’s side.
• Acknowledge your partner’s experience or opinion as valid, even if you disagree with it.
• Talk about how your partner’s opinion makes you feel bad in some way. If your partner truly loves you, he/she doesn’t want to make you feel bad.

Remember, a good arguer gains the sympathy of her partner. And as long as you’re insisting that your partner is flat-out wrong, it’ll be next to impossible to get him to take your side.

Believe

Topic: What advice would you give a friend who is looking to find love in 2008?
Posted by: Vix the Over-Educated Nympho

I come across so many people who have lost that spark of hope when it comes to finding love. Now I'm not one to throw around words like "spark" or "hope" but finding love is something that needs--well, words like "spark" and "hope." It's hard enough to find someone to love when you're trying, but if you have some sort of emotional barricade thrown up there you don't have a shot in hell.

Most of the time when someone has given up of ever falling in love, it's because she feels like the odds are against her. All the good ones are taken. Or gay. Or in therapy. Where to find a good person, let alone someone to fall in love with?

It's hard to keep the faith that someone special will come along when it seems everyone you meet is a douchebag, jerk, or an idiot. After too many unappetizing prospects the spark starts to die out, leaving hope nearly blind. It is at this point when many people fall victim to mediocre relationships because they find someone good enough, and good enough is better than nothing.

NO IT'S NOT. It might be a nice change, but there's a good chance it won't last. It's better to stick with nothing, otherwise you might miss someone remarkable while you're fighting with someone else.

Then there's the other reason someone gives up hope of finding love: she thinks she's not worth loving. Ironically these are the people who need love the most. Not finding it is taken as affirmation that one is unlovable, and it's a downward spiral from there.

I know someone who is a perfectly nice guy who wants to fall in love, get married, have kids, and live happily ever after. He's a great guy who won't get out of his own way, like Sherry said in her post. He is one of the most sour people I've ever come across. I'm forty and never had a long-term relationship. Why would anyone want to date a loser like me who's never had a girlfriend? I'm never going to find someone.

This kind of attitude is a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more bitter he gets about not meeting someone special, the less likely he is to meet someone special. I'm guessing he's met several wonderful women who were open to the idea of dating him until his sour mentality made itself known. In that case, these wonderful women probably thought why would I date someone who doesn't like himself. If he doesn't think he's worth dating, then why should I bother? It doesn't matter that he believes in love if he doesn't believe in himself in the first place.

I may not be religious or the kindest person out there, but I think belief is something worth clutching to. I know it's difficult, but it's at the worst times that belief is the most important. Those are the times that count.

Believe. Believe that you'll find someone to love, and know that when you do it's because you deserve it.

Love Every "Single" Second of Your Life!

Topic: What advice would you give a friend who is looking to find love in 2008?
Posted by: Amy Spencer

When I was looking for love in 2007, a lot of people (and books and Dr. Phil episodes) told me: Love yourself. Because you have to love yourself before you can love someone else. All true of course. But I found that hard to gauge in the same way "Stop eating when you're starting to feel full" is. Me, I don't feel full until my plate is empty, and with no way to measure self-contentment, how do I know if I love myself enough?

What was easier to do, I realized, was to start loving my life. That I could do in an active, measurable way. Instead of going for drinks in desperation with any stranger I met (I mean, how many glasses of rosé can one girl drink?), I began to spend more time with my friends and my family who I loved. I went for lingering brunches and inhaled my freedom. I walked for hours around the city appreciating my health, my home, my apartment, my job and everything else I had going for me. And because I didn't have a husband and kids (though I wanted both), I traveled more than ever, and felt even better about my life when I was out exploring the world. And the more I appreciated my life, the happier and more fulfilled I felt. And the happier and more fulfilled I felt, the more I glowed. And the more I glowed, the more confident I was. And the more confident I was, well...that's when the men came flocking. Yes, I had plenty of down days (my God!) But I had far more happy ones, and I'm grateful now that I made sure to have them.

So I suggest the same to someone looking for love in 2008: Love every single second you have—and I mean that literally. Think about it: If all goes according to hope and plan and you DO meet someone and fall in love, won't you wish you didn't waste these weeks or months of singleness you had left? If a crystal ball could tell you that you are going to meet someone in three months, aren't there a few things you might want to do with the commitment-free single nights you have left? (Like, I don't know, make out with a hot bartender you see absolutely no future with, just because you can?)

While you search for a partner, try not to bog yourself down with must-do dating rules and depressing thoughts and so many dates you forget who you are and what you're looking for in the first place. Look for love, of course, but while you're doing it, live and love the life you have now. The more you do, the more likely it is that love will come flocking to you to find out your secret.

6 Itty Bitty Vital Words

What advice would you give a friend who is looking to find love in 2008?
Posted by: Sherry Amatenstein

Short and sweet: Get out of your own way.  You say you want to find love then bemoan the countless reasons it’s eternally elusive.  Okay, pick your poison:

   

*There are no good guys out there. *Why are all women psycho and/or gold diggers? *No way. He has a bald spot and wears white socks with black shoes. *She says she’s okay with my weekly boys only poker games but I know she doesn’t mean it. *He talks while he’s eating. Ewwww!  * She’s great fun to be with but shouldn’t there be something more? *I know he’s gonna hurt me sooner or later so I’d better bail. *She’s a vegetarian and I love steak. How can that ever work? *He’d be insulted if I told him I prefer less tongue while we’re kissing. Guess we’ll never be sexually compatible. *She’s a little too close to her mom.  *He’s such a great guy.  Too bad he’s a Cancer.

   

The excuses why a potential partner can come close but not close enough to being The One are ad infinitum. Obviously there are numerous valid reasons to bail – he/she is emotionally volatile and unstable; your major life goals don’t mesh (i.e.: you want a pack of small fry; she is a card carrying member of The Child Free Club), etc.  But until and unless you deal with your own fears and blocks and disconnects you’ll remain an Admit One.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that as the commitment-phobic characters of Seinfeld would say but at least be on to your shtick.

   

So to find love, stop the excuses; the litany of why all the good ones are taken and all I ever get is dregs.  If you truly want love and allow yourself to be open to a viable candidate it can happen.  This is the year.