The Great Mate Debate

Believe

Topic: What advice would you give a friend who is looking to find love in 2008?
Posted by: Vix the Over-Educated Nympho

I come across so many people who have lost that spark of hope when it comes to finding love. Now I'm not one to throw around words like "spark" or "hope" but finding love is something that needs--well, words like "spark" and "hope." It's hard enough to find someone to love when you're trying, but if you have some sort of emotional barricade thrown up there you don't have a shot in hell.

Most of the time when someone has given up of ever falling in love, it's because she feels like the odds are against her. All the good ones are taken. Or gay. Or in therapy. Where to find a good person, let alone someone to fall in love with?

It's hard to keep the faith that someone special will come along when it seems everyone you meet is a douchebag, jerk, or an idiot. After too many unappetizing prospects the spark starts to die out, leaving hope nearly blind. It is at this point when many people fall victim to mediocre relationships because they find someone good enough, and good enough is better than nothing.

NO IT'S NOT. It might be a nice change, but there's a good chance it won't last. It's better to stick with nothing, otherwise you might miss someone remarkable while you're fighting with someone else.

Then there's the other reason someone gives up hope of finding love: she thinks she's not worth loving. Ironically these are the people who need love the most. Not finding it is taken as affirmation that one is unlovable, and it's a downward spiral from there.

I know someone who is a perfectly nice guy who wants to fall in love, get married, have kids, and live happily ever after. He's a great guy who won't get out of his own way, like Sherry said in her post. He is one of the most sour people I've ever come across. I'm forty and never had a long-term relationship. Why would anyone want to date a loser like me who's never had a girlfriend? I'm never going to find someone.

This kind of attitude is a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more bitter he gets about not meeting someone special, the less likely he is to meet someone special. I'm guessing he's met several wonderful women who were open to the idea of dating him until his sour mentality made itself known. In that case, these wonderful women probably thought why would I date someone who doesn't like himself. If he doesn't think he's worth dating, then why should I bother? It doesn't matter that he believes in love if he doesn't believe in himself in the first place.

I may not be religious or the kindest person out there, but I think belief is something worth clutching to. I know it's difficult, but it's at the worst times that belief is the most important. Those are the times that count.

Believe. Believe that you'll find someone to love, and know that when you do it's because you deserve it.

The New Year's Eve Kiss

Posted by: Vix the OEN
Topic: New Year's Eve

It's not easy being single on New Year's Eve. Back when I was in college and single it was great because I used the New Year's Eve kiss as an excuse to smooch on the nearest hot guy and size him up for hook-up potential (xoxo to Ryan the marine! wait, was that his name? Mark? Joshua? damnit).

Now it's not so easy. Most of my friends are married, engaged, or coupled up. At the party I attended last New Year's there was no obvious male candidate for the obligatory midnight kiss, so I waited for my friend to finish the passionate embrace with her husband and then she turned to give me a peck on the lips. As much as I love her, IT'S NOT THE SAME. It's not New Year's Eve without a woody.

The New Year's Eve kiss is no big deal when you're part of a couple. It's the same with Valentine's Day--nothing special when you have a partner, but a huge f***ing deal when you don't have someone.

I've had more New Years with boyfriends than without, and I remember none of those midnight kisses. The ones when I was alone? I remember every single one of those, whether I received a mercy kiss from a friend or a teasing tongue from a promising stranger.

It's More Than a Miniature Crocodile Head

Topic: What’s the best holiday gift you ever got from a romantic partner – and why?
Posted by: Vix the Over-Educated Nympho

Although I've spent many holiday seasons with a loving boyfriend at my side, there is no one "perfect gift" that sticks out from the others. Instead I want to reiterate the point that it doesn't matter how much it costs, but that it comes from the heart.

Some of the most expensive gifts I have ever received: diamond earrings, complete box set of Sex And The City DVDs, and a full-day gift certificate to a spa. What of them now? Diamond earrings I returned to the boyfriend after the break-up (I didn't care for them--what seventeen year-old wears diamonds anyway?), DVDs are still much appreciated but not seen as something special, and the full-day spa treatment was nice for the one day.

Some of the best (and coincidentally, cheapest) gifts I have ever received: Superwoman underwear, a hideous blinged-out piggy bank, and a miniature crocodile head.

Where are these now? The Superwoman underwear has joined the VIP group of lucky underwear I sport on tough days at the office. The kitsch piggy bank sits proudly on my kitchen counter, grinning in her little red bikini and plump belly. The miniature crocodile head lies on the table next to me as I type this, always inspiring a giggle when I need one.

The first group of presents came from boyfriends. The second group of presents came from close friends and family. I love the silly and bizarre presents because they stick out in my memory among years of jewelry and bath salts (the generic female present--THANKS). Who the f*** gives someone a miniature crocodile head? My mother. Only someone who knows me that well knows I would love something so bizarre.

So my best gifts have not come from romantic partners. I love them all for trying, but money does not compensate for a lack of thoughtfulness. I have yet to find a boyfriend who understands that a crocodile head found at a garage sale in Texas for two dollars is worlds better than a $500 spa certificate.

And if I receive another container of fancy schmancy bath salts from a guy, I'm going to shove it up where even the most skilled masseuse would not be able to retrieve it.

Mine Mine Mine

Posted by: Vix the Over-Educated Nympho

Topic: Speaking from personal experience, what are the three best things about being single?

The best part of being single is that I get to do whatever I d*** well please. It is my space, my time, and my choice. It is a wonderful opportunity to be unapologetically self-focused, assuming it leads to personal growth.

I love being single. I have also loved being part of a couple. Each has its place according to what one is going through as well as where one is headed in life. The difficulty is in being able to distinguish what is right at that moment in time--and then being able to grow from it instead of hide in it.

While in grad school I was drowning in depression and trying to figure out what the hell I was doing with my life. I needed someone at my side to help pull me out of the mess in my head--an attitude which made it that much harder to see clearly.

A book I highly recommend is called What Should I Do With My Life? by Po Bronson. The passage below came to mind when I first started writing this post:

How many times do you really face a choice in life? How many times will you get the benefit of arriving at a crossroads, where you don't have to fight the tug of rolling inertia, and your choice isn't going to hurt someone you love?

Not many.

Make them count. They will define you.

I read this particular passage while I was sitting at an Ivy League graduation ceremony for my cousin. She walked across the stage, my relatives cheered and took photos (I assume), and I completely missed it because this was what I had been waiting--needing--to hear for ages.

A year earlier I had finally admitted to myself that I wanted to be a writer, not another peon in Corporate America. This newfound focus corresponded directly with choosing to end a relationship. Since then I have been standing at a career cross-roads, preparing for the day when I will take that step in one direction over another.

Although I'm years away from being able to support myself with writing, this goal is worth sacrificing for. It fills my mind all day while I'm working for a paycheck, it has taken over half my bedroom (or half my apartment if you count all the books), and it is what keeps me up at three a.m. most nights when I know I have to wake up soon to go to work. It is no surprise that I'm single when I actively choose to spend the majority of my free time with a journal or a book, not a guy.

Do I ever get lonely? Duh, of course. Not to mention mighty frisky. But it's my life, and I'm living it on my terms.

My last relationship was with a wonderful guy, but he couldn't understand why I spent an hour writing every other night (my readers would smack me if I wrote so little now) and insisted on reading before going to sleep at night. You're ignoring me! Why can't you talk to me? Are you STILL writing?!

Yes babycakes, I'm still writing. 

Many careers and lifestyle choices are difficult on a partner. Some are very difficult on a partner. They need attention, time, passion, dedication, isolation, and even turning a home into an office. No matter how understanding one's partner, it can be difficult to make those choices when it is effecting not only your space and time, but someone else's. If that is the case, where do you sacrifice? Is it worth bypassing one of those rare crossroads that could make you the person you want to be?

Some journeys in life are better made alone. They may be hard and lonely, but these journeys are rarely the ones leading to regret.

LOL, Meet LMAO. XOXO?

Posted by:  Vix the Over-Educated Nympho
Topic: Do you think you can really and truly “feel” chemistry via email?

I'm really into email. I don't do the phone. I'm a writer, that means I write. Email has the potential to be a great form of communication far beyond "lets meet at le madeleine @ 8." Not to brag, but I do killer emails. They sound just like how I talk in person, complete with tone, rhythm, and goofy jokes. Anyone who can match me this-for-that is Awesome with a capital "A" in my eyes.

I have never dated someone who "gave good email." It is definitely an art, and one that many people lack. Especially guys. Most prefer brevity. Most of my lengthy emails were answered with two sentences. Sometimes two words. Forget capital letters or periods. What, you don't love me enough to punctuate?

One boyfriend ended every other sentence with an emoticon. If I hadn't personally known him, I would have sworn he was gay from all the smiley faces all over the d*** place. Content and length aside, I rarely felt chemistry when emailing boyfriends.

There's one guy I dated a couple years ago whom I got to know through a friend and then first via email. He was witty, charming, and didn't litter his paragraphs (paragraphs!!) with "LOL." I had no idea someone could be charming over email, what a delight!

From the moment we met in person, we both knew there was no chemistry between us. I felt more chemistry the first time I met my puppy. What was wrong about my modern-day Prince Charming? He was good-looking, nice, funny, wrote great emails--where the hell was the chemistry I had been swooning over for weeks? The date ended quickly, we exchanged a few more delightful emails, and yada yada delete.

Later I got to know a guy over email and the phone. The first time on the phone we talked for nearly an hour and a half, cracking each other up the whole time. His emails were so fantastic that I often did Laugh My Ass Off. When we finally met, the chemistry was twice as amazing. Even his one-line emails made me giggly, and I don't go around giggling over any little thing.

Like Margo Z said, so-called chemistry over email it is to be taken with caution. For all you know he's a master manipulator (personality mirroring, for example), pulling a Roxanne, or he's saying whatever he thinks it takes to get in your pants.

Email is no better indication of chemistry between two people than pairing their astrological signs to see if they're a match made in heaven. It's a crap-shoot whether LOL and LMAO feel chemistry beyond a world of XOXO.

Chemistry Comes In Layers

Cold Topic: Do you believe in love at first sight? Have you experienced it – and was it “the real thing” or lust?
Posted by: Vix the Over-Educated Nympho

The question from last week has left me feeling unsettled. (And, um, not just because this article is way overdue... it has been mentally marinading, jeez.) Many of my fellow writers on the panel touched upon the "shouldn't have but did" situation of falling for someone out of misguided love/lust.

Been there, done him, and I want to point out one key factor: no matter how wrong the person was, something, some sort of undeniable attraction was at work. That is called chemistry, and it takes more than a nice set of tits to explain it.

There are many types of chemistry both inside and outside the world of dating: emotional, psychological, physical, intellectual, personal, and probably more that are beyond the grasp of categorization. An ideal mate embodies all of these, but sometimes all it takes is a helluva lot of one to spark something between two people. Once the big spark settles down, all the other layers start becoming visible.

One of my favorite lust-at-first-sight stories is about a Puerto Rican semi-professional boxer I met at the gym. We dated casually and had a fantastic time together. What first attracted me to him (okay second, I admit I noticed his rock-hard arms and tattoos first) was how in tune he was with his body when he worked out, and I don't mean like those douchebags who check themselves out in the mirror constantly and grunt a lot. The level of focus, discipline, and drive was awe-inspiring to a newbie like me who felt lost inside my own body.

With a few boxing sessions he taught me how to push my body far past what I trusted it to do. We talked about where we came from and where we wanted to go with our lives. Our brief time together was the start of finding a direction after years of feeling disconnected from my own life.

The chemistry was far more intricate than "I thought he was hot." It may have started there, but his body is not why I remember him years later.

 

There's Good And There's Amazing

Topic: What three things do you think are vital to an amazing relationship?
Posted by: Vix the Over-Educated Nympho

There is a huge difference between a good relationship and an amazing relationship. Yes, I'm playing the semantics game here but I think it's important to make the distinction. "Good" can be enough to keep a couple together through the rough times. But amazing? "Amazing" is what keeps a couple together and happy together through the rough times.

The criteria for a good relationship are the foundation for an amazing relationship, but certainly not enough to make an A+ in amazingness. Good relationships have

• respect
• trust
• communication

Those have to be in place for any sort of solidity with another person, whether in a romantic or platonic relationship. Any gaps between those qualities leave room for things like condenscension, jealousy, and resentment to seep in.

Amazing relationships have "simpler" criteria, yet for some reason it seems harder to find all these with someone else:

• laughter
• encouragement
• great sex

That's right, I SAID SEX. Evan said it as the token guy on the panel and now I'm saying it again because sex is not just a guy's issue. Although sex is not important to everyone out there, it is d*** important to many of us. Of course I agree that any good relationship is based on more than good sex, but as Aly said, it's hard to have a good relationship with bad sex. I shudder at the thought. Memory. Whatever.

One of the perks of being part of a couple is you always have your own personal cheerleader--someone to remind you that you're brilliant and wonderful even when you feel as awesome as a piece of poo. There's accepting someone as she is, which falls under the respect/good relationship category, but there's the step beyond: encouraging your loved one to be the person she wants to be, even if it means giving up the dual-income household so she can go to art school and acquire debt all over again.

Laughter is hands-down the most important quality. It keeps a couple going at it through all the involuntary weird noises during sex, it helps through the rough times, and it is what people remember about their parents after they've been married for thirty-something years.

A good relationship is just that--good. Does that mean it's good enough to keep you happy throughout the years? Maybe yes, maybe not. I've been in enough good relationships to know that next time I'm holding out for something amazing.

Blogging & Dating

Posted by: Vix the Over-Educated Nympho
Topic: So many people are using technology to capture their lives – from camera phones to YouTube, MySpace, and Facebook – that the idea of living a “private life” is changing. What impact do you think this will have on relationships in the future?

Blogging can make one's dating life very messy. Starting new relationships is that much more difficult when a guy can Google you and and read your latest blog entry about the date you two had last night, including how he's a great kisser but maaaaan his breath was rank.

I am regularly amazed at how many people have Myspace accounts and blogs under their full/real name. Sex aside, I'd be scared of doing that even if the only thing I blogged about was my love of flavored croutons.

When it is so easy to be Googled by a prospective boyfriend, parent, boss--it requires that much extra care and forethought to protect one's privacy and identity. My own mother recently admitted to Googling me and my brothers to see if she could find anything "interesting." What happened to the good ol' days of searching under the bed in hopes of finding a diary?

For anyone who finds or knows your blog, he can spend his sweet time reading the inner-workings of your mind as well as how you like to masturbate before you've even gone on a first date. I've been there (just because you only tell a few people about your blog it doesn't mean they won't pass it around), which leaves the relationship dynamics severely lopsided from the beginning. Is it cheating before a date to spend hours reading someone's blog when he doesn't even know what your last name is? Isn't half the fun of meeting new people finding out--in their own words--how they came to be the person they are now?

It's one thing to blog about some random guy you saw/boinked once, it's something else entirely to write about someone you're in a relationship with. For the guys who pass by in the night, it is highly unlikely they would ever connect an anonymous blog with that girl he met two years ago.

With a boyfriend however, it seems that one ought to disclose her cyber persona in the name of "open communication" and not being single forever.

Eventually a new boyfriend will get suspicious when his girlfriend regularly disappears for an hour every night behind her computer screen. That brings up a whole series of questions about blogging and dating etiquette:

• Is it okay to write about the (dirty) details of someone you go out with once?
• Should you tell someone you're dating that you blog about him when you've been dating for a while but don't know yet if it's serious?
• When do you tell someone you're dating that you blog about him?
• ...and, um, have been blogging about him for a while now....
• Is it okay to write about someone if you never say anything bad?
• Is it unfair to tell someone you're dating that you blog about him and then ask him not to read it?
• What material is fair-game and what is off-limits when in a serious relationship?
• Are the so-called rules different for a short-term relationship?
• How personal is too personal when you're writing about someone else, especially if the other person is unaware of it?
• Is it reasonable to ask (and expect) him to only read parts of the blog?
• How can someone not resent you if you're more personal in a blog than you are in person?
• Does asking for privacy regarding a public blog lead to distrust and resentment in the relationship?

For the first year of my blog's existence, I was in a serious long-term relationship. Of course I wanted to respect by boyfriend's privacy, which meant I rarely wrote about our sex life and when I did there were no specifics. To hit the sexy quota for the blog I wrote about my past sex life. A word of advice: when your boyfriend occasionally reads your blog, that can lead to some long explanations (and some long spells without sex).

The relationship thing definitely effected what I did and didn't write about because there was always the possibility that he would read it. Why have a blog when you're watching every word you say? How can you talk openly when you have to censor yourself so you don't blog yourself into singledom?

I know I am not the only one out there writing explicit details about my physical and emotional experiences, which leaves me wondering what the hell am I going to do when I start seriously dating someone? There are some very open-minded people out there, but open-minded enough to accept seeing the details of one's daily life written up for all the world to read?

My solution... can I get away with never ever mentioning the blog to someone I'm dating? Hopefully my future boyfriend will believe me when I tell him that I spend three hours a night locked in the bathroom because I have severe Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

If I Wanted You To Know What I Was Thinking, I Would Tell You

Posted by: Vix the Over-Educated Nympho
Topic: Why do men hate it when women ask, “What are you thinking…?”

Don't assume it's always the girl asking the question and it's always the guy ducking an answer to save his delicate manhood, similar to what Sherry posted earlier. As a chick who identifies more easily with the typical guy role in a relationship, I know how cornered he may feel in this situation as his mind desperately seeks (and can't find) the correct answer.

I know what I feel like saying in that situation: If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would tell you.

That means if I don't want to tell you what I'm thinking, it's because it either makes me look bitchy, mean, or dumb. Or vain. Or a little emo. Best to keep those thoughts to myself, otherwise I would have even fewer friends.

You want to know what I'm thinking about? Really? Because if you ask a loaded question like that, don't be surprised when I raise my guns of passive-aggression right back at you. I have been in enough relationships and enough fights to know that "what are you thinking?" (or its sister statement, "is everything okay?") is much bigger and more complex than four such simple words would suggest. What the inquiring person really means is "are you thinking what I think you're thinking? Because if you are thinking what I think you're thinking, I'm concerned and I think we should talk about what you think you're thinking." No one ever walks out of one of those fully intact.

Much like Amy said in her post, don't ask if you aren't ready to hear the honest answer. Do you really want to know how many of my thoughts have to do with sexually objectifying men who are way hotter than you?

Don't worry, it's not always bad. Sometimes the response "nothing" honestly means nothing, at least nothing worth talking about. What would you think if I told you that the voice in my head was singing "Feliz Cumpleaños" with a bad British accent?

Then again there are the times when "nothing" means "nothing but bad things." Are you ready to go there? This is not the best way to get someone to open up and talk about feelings, especially if they are of the "we need to talk" variety.

Sometimes a person just doesn't feel like talking, whether because of a bad day at the office, a foul mood that has nothing to do with the other person, or happily lost in one's own thoughts. As an avid daydreamer, I can vouch for that last one. Why is it so hard to just let someone be?

For those concerned loved ones who are seeking validation, is it not enough validation that your significant other chooses to be around you day after day, even if there are bouts of silence? If you're feeling a little concerned about the status of your relationship, ask for a hug instead. A hug is a smoother step toward an "us" discussion without tripping over the implications of a loaded question.

Advice to those who have an itch to ask "what are you thinking?" in spite of the caution above: don't keep asking the same question in an attempt to get the answer you want (which probably won't be an honest answer, but a combination of words whose sole purpose is to get you to leave the respondent the hell alone) to an issue that may or may not be what you think it is.

Avoidance or dismissal of the question does not necessarily have anything to do with your significant other's poor tortured inner soul, because there are many other things it could be. Like trying to remember the name of the actor who played that guy in that movie with the sheep and the eighties music soundtrack, because the chick in that movie was super hot.

Have I been talking too much? My apologies. Let's move on. What are you thinking, babycakes?

Choosing To Be Together

Posted by: Vix the Over-Educated Nympho
Topic: Why do you think so many couples split up once they are “empty nesters” – once the kids are independent?

I agree with Margo Z about the choice of topics the last few weeks being a bit of a downer, so I will play devil's advocate on a topic that needs a little love.

My parents have been married--to each other, first time--for well over thirty years. If my father's ass-grabs and mother's squeals are any indication, they still dig each other after all that time. It's sweet in a really gross "LA LA LA I'm not thinking about it!" kind of way.

As the oldest I moved out years ago. My youngest brother has been gone for only three. It never even occurred to me that my parents might split up once we left them empty-nesters because their nest was still plenty full without us. Jeez, if anything they needed the room.

My parents started working together when I was still in high school. Mom worked out of the house and Dad helped out on weekends. While I was in college he called it quits on sixty hour weeks of Corporate America and started dividing his time between consulting and working with my mother--both jobs which leave him padding around the house in cut-offs and flip-flops, "like some d*** hippie" according to Mom.

When they first started working together I was concerned because I thought spending that much extra time together might put a magnifying glass on all the little issues every couple has and turn them into a bonfire. They must have done something to keep those little issues in check, because there were two very strong personalities that could have exploded after prolonged exposure.

Maybe being together in a professional capacity helped make their relationship more balanced? Would their relationship be as tight if they had a passion for the same hobby or traveled the world together like other fifty-something couples? What does it take to keep a couple going once "Mom and Dad" are back to "husband and wife"?

Maybe it's not a matter of having something specific that ties them together after the kids leave--maybe it's really about having stayed connected all along, through the uncomfortable pregnancies, 3 am pukings, and teenage black-fingernail-polish phase. What is it that keeps couples together through that when it's not "for the sake of the children"?

There's a photo I have of my parents that has been my favorite for years in spite of the terrible fluorescent lighting and cropped talking heads. It's a close-up of my father getting in my mother's face with his mouth wide open in an intimidating growl, which she returns with a cheeky pucker-up and closed eyes. I love that photo because it is sooo Mom and Dad. There is so much personality and so much history in that tiny moment, more than I could ever understand.

Kids? What kids?

They aren't together "for the sake of the children" (a choice that friends of mine often resented growing up, saying they would be happier if their parents just got divorced already). They are together because they choose to be together. They aren't doing it for the kids, for finances, or for appearances. Waking up next to each other is a daily reminder that they still choose to be together after all these years.

It gives the cynics like me the hope that I will be in my own version of that photo one day.