The Great Mate Debate

Topic: What advice would you give a friend looking to find love in 2008?
Posted by: Margo Z

Both sexes: 

Believe in abundance, not scarcity -- and remember that fear restricts.  That old adage of "There's more than one fishie in the sea" is another of those clichés that exists for a reason.  If something isn't working despite your best efforts, it's best to cut bait quickly in humane fashion rather than try to force something that ain't happenin'.  Believing that "this is the best I'm going to find" or "better the devil you know than the devil you don't" creates more long-term misery than breaking things off and being alone for a spell ever could. 

Always keep more than one line in the water.  Saying, "Okay, I've got my profile up" and waiting breathlessly for The One to find you out of countless thousands is a start, but it isn't enough.  Look for potential mates in the wild as well.  Speed date, join clubs, take up a new sport, volunteer somewhere, all with your "target audience" in mind.  If your ideal mate is a brainiac, see if you can qualify for Mensa.  If s/he is athletic, go skiing or marathoning or sea kayaking or WHATEVER.   Just get out there and go!  In addition to increasing your pool of candidates, it will keep you from hovering obsessively over your in-box to see if anyone sent you a "wink."

Accept that desperation has a smell; it acts as a repellent, not an attractant.  Learn to recognize the signs of desperation in yourself and eradicate them.  Broadcasting your insecurities before the six-month mark of an exclusive relationship is almost never going to get you the healthy relationship you're looking for.  Only predators and freaks find eau de "I'm-Doomed-To-Be-Alone-Until-I-Die" appealing.

Women: If you're wise, you will obey the rules of nature, not the supposed rules of the New Millennium.   Men are the hunters.  It's hard-wired into them.  That's the way it's been since the dawn of time, and the way it's going to stay within your lifetime.  Don't take their jobs away from them, okay?  Wait for that man you're interested in to call -- just don't do your waiting by the phone.  See the above advice on getting out and staying busy and creating a well-rounded, fulfilling and interesting life for yourself.  It's never "rude" or "cruel" to give a guy a bit of space and time to figure out that you're special; but it's counterproductive as hell to pursue him and get all anxious and pretzel brain twist about the hidden meaning of every bon mot that fell from his lips on your last date.  Lighten up, already.  Unless you're a labor union leader during a strike, applying pressure on your "opponent" is always the wrong strategy.

Men: No, she will NOT think you're a psychotic stalker-rapist-serial killer-loser with no life if you call her the very next night after a great date to ask her out for the next one.  She will be pleased and flattered that you respect her time and busy schedule, and if she likes you back it will save her any unnecessary agonizing over "Why hasn't he called?"  Those dumb "guy-rules" about having to wait X days to call or else you will appear uncool turn women off.  They create barriers.  They also make you seem totally run of the mill.  Want to stand out from the pack?  Show a healthy level of interest without smothering her.  And for God's sake, don't text her on her cell to ask for dates.  Talk about lame.  Pick up the bloody phone and show her you're into hearing the sound of her voice.  Text messaging is for amateurs and slackers.  That's not you, right?  Didn't think so.

Topic: What’s the best holiday gift you ever got from a romantic partner – and why?
Posted by: Margo Z

Twice, I have received engagement rings at Christmastime.  You would think that’s the best gift a woman could possibly hope for.  You would be wrong, at least in my case.  Because both times, I had virtually asked for them, i.e. been the one to propel the relationship forward.  Saying that I “hinted at” wanting a ring on my finger would be too kind.  I was a pushy broad, and got my heart’s desire – or did I?

The first marriage didn’t work out, after only ten and a half emotionally empty years.  The second engagement turned into a roller coaster disaster of a relationship to a sex addict and dry drunk who had physically abused his ex-wife. If I had dated them longer and been less desperate to cement things, I might have had a shot at realizing that neither man was right for me.  People can keep their bad sides hidden for a lo-ooong time.  Who knew?

When Josh proposed, it was totally of his own accord.  I had never once brought up the subject of marriage, though he had a number of times.  It was so right for us both it was almost scary!  Prior to getting engaged, his Christmas gift to me was the perfume I wear – because he never tires of burying his nose in my neck when I have it on.  When I opened that gift from him, I knew things were headed in a lovely direction. 

Posted by:  Margo Z
Topic: Speaking from personal experience, what are the three best things about being single?

I've been single for 35 of my 47 years.  I've been married for 12 of those years.  Evan speaketh the truth, I've been in both situations.

Interesting that the question is what three things are best about being single -- because I've only found three in all those years.

1.  You can park your car any ol' which-way at whatever funny angle in your two-car garage, even right in the middle if you bleeding well please.
2.  You can sprawl any ol' which-way at whatever funny angle in your bed, even right in the middle if you bleeding well please.
3.  I forget the third reason.

I don't understand all this stuff about what you "can" and "can't" do when you're coupled up or married, as if the other person is your keeper and "allows" you to do or not do certain things.  Your mate is not your parent, and you aren't the warden.   That is, IF you are married to the right person -- someone who understands that you are not fused emotionally, not two halves of a whole, but two separate, whole people who have joined together freely and voluntarily to share your lives.  (I'll take 200% over 50% any day of the week, wouldn't you?)  I'm as free and independent with Josh as I ever was single, PLUS I don't have to empty the dishwasher, open doors for myself, or scoop the cat boxes anymore.  He does those things without being asked, just like I pick up his dry cleaning and get his car washed sometimes without being asked.  If I tell Josh, "Hey, I'm gonna spend the whole day shopping then I'm having dinner with Darlene, want me to bring you anything?" he'll say, "Nah, that's okay, there's leftover chili, have fun."  And off I go without the slightest twinge of conscience, and he gets the house to himself for a while.  Win-win.

The other day there was a winter storm brewing.  Josh had a party in the city that night, a drunkfest with friends I didn't care to attend.  I told him, "Take an overnight bag, crash on someone's couch, I don't want you driving home in bad weather at 3 a.m. after you've been partying."  He said, "Cool," and packed his bag, went to his party, crashed wherever, and strolled in the next morning around 10.  We smooched hello and went out for breakfast together.  I didn't even ask about his party or how he'd spent his evening, figuring he'd fill me in if he wanted to.  He did, it was his typical late night with "the usual suspects" who all said to tell me "hi." 

See, I'm always invited, always welcome to accompany him to these things -- but if I choose to go or not go, either way it's cool.  Just as Josh is always invited to come along with me but he knows that two hours of girlfriend chatter is not his thing, no matter how much he may like my girlfriends.  The keys are trust and transparency.

So I ask you: for us, at least, WHERE is the lack of freedom and independence?  I make my own money, Josh makes his.  We spend it however we wish.  It's not required that we consult each other on major purchases since we don't pool finances, although we usually do because we appreciate the other's opinion.  We both do our part to pay for our lifestyle and squirrel away some for a rainy day.  There is no feeling of, "Well, I can't buy this or my wife/husband would have my head."  We aren't boxed in.  There is no fear or guilt or feeling of restriction with its accompanying resentment.  On the contrary, as we said in our wedding vows, we are each other's "soft place to fall."

I DID experience that horrid feeling of being boxed in and constricted in Marriage #1, but that was a totally different relationship.   We weren't right for each other, we had conflicting goals and values and we weren't in love.  There wasn't a feeling of, "Man, am I lucky, I get to eat my cake and have it, too" the way there is with Josh and me.  So strike my earlier comment about not understanding that kind of frustration.  I understand it all too well.  That's why I was prepared to check the "divorced" box in perpetuity unless or until I met someone as perfect for me as Josh.

Of course, not having children helps enormously.  Neither Josh nor I ever wants that drain on our freedom, spontaneity or finances.  No, we probably aren't in the majority on this one, but it works for us, and isn't that the point? 

Margo sez: Find the right person and you will be MORE free, not less -- free to be fully yourself AND be loved and cherished by someone who has your back (and whose dirty socks you can pick up all day long and not feel the slightest bit put-upon).

OH!  I just remembered the third best thing about being single.  When I was on my own, I got to use a big, fluffy goose down comforter on freezing winter nights.  Now I can't 'cause Josh gets too hot.  He sweats and mutters and flails around until said big, fluffy comforter winds up on the floor.  So that IS a compromise... hmm, comforter to keep me warm?  Or husband to keep me warm?  Now that I think about it, the comforter isn't that great of a conversationalist.  So... I guess that isn't much of a reason to stay single after all.  Just put me down for those first two reasons.

Posted by:  Margo Z
Topic: Do you think you can really and truly “feel” chemistry via email?

Okay, kids… pencils sharpened?  Circle the answer that makes the most sense to you:

MensaBoi34 can write a coherent sentence using proper grammar and punctuation.  Occasionally, he lets loose with a zinger that makes you laugh out loud.  Thoroughly dazzled by his online verbal skills, you agree to meet for a rousing game of Scrabble® over gingerbread lattés.  Do you:

A:        Ponder the precise mix of offbeat literary names for your future children before the first date (“Kerouac if it’s a boy, Ayn if it’s a girl.”)
B:        Exult to all your friends that you’ve met The One!  And he can SPELL!!!
C:        Reserve judgment until you see if the guy can talk for an hour without latté gunk collecting in the corners of his mouth.

SultrySuze29 has no picture posted online.  However, she describes herself as a blonde Lisa Kudrow type, is in your preferred age range, and judging from her wittily nuanced e-mails possesses an IQ higher than lettuce.  She’s promised to send a recent picture from her weekend in Cabo as soon as she gets the disc back from the photo place.  You’re tempted to throw caution to the winds and ask her to meet you for drinks, sight unseen.  Do you:

A:        Rationalize that it’s no different than the times you’ve gone out with someone based on a photo from ten years and forty pounds ago.
B:        Chide yourself for being shallow and immature for valuing looks over substance.
C:        Hold out another few days for the promised full body shot, since time is a non-renewable resource.

SilverFox43 is being a bit coy about whether he’s 43 years old, or was born in 1943.  If it’s the latter, it would be a deal breaker as you’re still in your thirties and not interested in dating a man who will be on Medicare by your next birthday.  His photo shows a trim, good looking, silver-haired man on a ski slope that he assures you is from his trip to New Zealand this past July.  Do you:

A:        Agree to have dinner with him because what the hell, even if he is 64, he might be perfect for your Aunt Cassandra.
B:        Convince yourself that if he’s still athletic enough to ski year ‘round, his chronological age shouldn’t matter.
C:        Press him one more time for his date of birth – and if it’s still not forthcoming, assume he’s actually in his seventies, hoist the red flag and move on to someone more straightforward.

FunnyLady38 looks to be the whole package: cute, bright, never-married, AND she shares your passion for Libertarianism, silent films, 1970s muscle cars and pistachio ice cream.  You are both non-practicing cultural Catholics who grew up in small towns in the Midwest.  It’s uncanny – the things you have in common.  This was clearly meant to be!  She detests talking on the phone, however, and would rather just pick a place to rendezvous.  This makes you a bit uneasy, as it breaks one of your cardinal rules of online dating.  Do you:

A:        Blot out the memory of the woman whose laugh was even more obnoxious than Horshack’s on “Welcome Back, Kotter” and go for it.
B:        Persuade yourself that the connection you share online will only grow and deepen once your eyes meet.
C:        Charm her into a quick call to make sure she can handle your unbelievably hypnotic, sexy voice.

Answers: All Cs – for Caution, a modicum of which will save you many future dating horror stories.

Topic: Do you believe in love at first sight? Have you experienced it – and was it “the real thing” or lust?
Posted by:  Margo Z

"Love at first sight."  More like infatuation at first sight -- because how can you love someone you know nothing about other than they're your "type" on some superficial level?  I've certainly felt the tingle of what felt like some sort of cosmic, instantaneous connection. 

I've also learned from hard experience what it more than likely means: "WARNING, WILL ROBINSON!  DANGER!  DANGER!"

Chances are, when you meet someone you feel intensely drawn to, there is an element of déjà vu present.  Something about this person feels familiar... known... safe... or maybe distinctly unsafe, but still titillating... therefore, you convince yourself, well worth taking the risk.   And so you do, and then, surprise!  S/he turns out to be just like all the other unsafe people you've ever dated and been hurt by. 

The therapist jargon for this is a repetition compulsion.  You have unfinished business of some sort buried way down deep where you can successfully ignore it most of the time, but when you meet someone who resonates with your baggage -- bingo!  Instant feeling of connectedness. Eventual feeling of your heart hitting hard pavement and shattering to bits.  You are "doomed" to keep playing out whatever bad scenario until you either master it, conquer it, or are damaged enough by it to stop, already. 

I had two such specialties when I was dating:  Alcoholics/adult children of alcoholics, and "bisexual" (yeah, right) men living on the down-low throughout their serial involvements with women.  Put me in a room full of people, and my hidden radar could tell you instantly who the worst bets were.  Until I smartened up, I mistook them for men I was wildly attracted to.  Eventually, I learned that whenever I felt piqued by that chemical whiff of someone "known" to me -- the only intelligent option was to run like hell in the other direction.

Topic:  What three things do you think are vital to an amazing relationship?
Posted by: Margo Z

Since my fellow bloggers have more than adequately covered the first two points (along with respect, commitment, honesty, passion, great sex and all that wonderful and necessary stuff), let’s talk about one other all-too-often forgotten component of a truly amazing relationship.

Farts.

Once upon a time, I was a serious, driven, practical, level-headed and rather uptight suburban divorcée.  The kind who had a silent conniption when a man propped his shoes up on her glass-topped cocktail table.  The kind who had to know in advance what the plans were or she’d be too keyed up to enjoy herself.  The kind who would SAY she liked surprises and spontaneity... but really didn't.

And then I met Josh.

Josh has a simple philosophy about men, himself included:  “Deep down, we are all eleven years old.  We think farts are uproariously funny, and will until the day we die.” 

I believe he’s right about that in the sense that men don’t seem to lose their sense of childlike whimsy as early or as completely as many women do.  Men can be responsible, solid, upstanding citizens, thrive in their careers, provide for their families, become admired leaders in their communities… and still find farts, "The Three Stooges," and old Cheech and Chong routines endlessly amusing.

Women are all too often, in my opinion, encouraged to leave that kind of immature silliness behind them.  It’s part of the process of becoming a lady.  Before I met Josh, I would get this prim, disapproving look on my face whenever the subject of flatulence came up.  I would shriek in horror if a man walked into the bathroom while I was on the pot.  And making funny faces for a camera?  Please.  Undignified. 

I -- yes, I -- was a Seriously Not-Fun Person.

Being with Josh has changed all that.  Mind you, it’s taken a full three years… but he’s worn me down.  (Perhaps he saw a glimmer of hope early on when he learned that I liked "Beavis and Butt-head" even more than he did.)  I, too, now find farts uproariously funny.  Not that I revel in them to the extent that he does, or go looking for fart-related opportunities, but you get the idea.

I am a changed woman, thanks to him.  I’ve been able to relax with my new husband in a way I never have with any other man.  Maybe it’s all that trust/vulnerability stuff at work.  Maybe it's because I'm 47 years old and no longer give a damn about what other people think of me.  Or... maybe it’s because I finally recognize that I have found my soulmate, the love of my life, and can let my hair down, at last, at last!  It’s okay to be all of who I am, and it’s okay for Josh to be all of who he is – at age 11 or 36, or anywhere in between.

And it’s okay to laugh and be silly and have fun!  Imagine that!  For instance: who knew what a total blast it could be to own a hot tub with the added incentive of fart bubble contests?

So often, as I’m gasping for air after laughing at – well, whatever silliness – and I will bemoan out loud, “What have you done?!  Look at me, acting like this, I used to be a lady, I used to have class.  What happened??”  To which Josh replies, grinning, “Um… you met me.”

As it’s Friday, time to collectively put our brains in the jar for another weekend, I will leave you with Josh’s favorite poem (certainly, the only one he has memorized).  Cracks me up every time I recite it to someone.  And you know… it feels pretty damned good to crack up on a regular basis!  It is, indeed, one of the most “amazing” aspects of our marriage.  One I wouldn’t give up for all the decorum or pristine tabletops in the world.

Arty Farty threw a party.
Tutti Fruity was there.
Tutti Fruity blew a beauty –
And they all went out for air!

Posted by: Margo Z
Topic: So many people are using technology to capture their lives – from camera phones to YouTube, MySpace, and Facebook – that the idea of living a “private life” is changing. What impact do you think this will have on relationships in the future?

Back when dinosaurs roamed the earth and signing onto AOL cost $5.95 an hour, I found myself divorced and dumped back onto the dating scene for the first time in over a decade.  Trolling for potential mates online was the brave new world back then.  I was living alone in an urban area and determined to take all possible safety precautions.  I got a nonpublished number and installed a caller I.D. blocker on my phone.  Anyone I met online or through a newspaper personal got ONLY my first name until I'd actually had a date with them and satisfied myself they weren't a serial killer.  If I decided to go out with them a second time, they got my last name and home phone number.  Everyone I dated respected those boundaries and seemingly had no problem with them.

Except for this one guy... a self-professed geek extraordinaire... who had gleaned enough bits and pieces of information about me from our initial phone call that he was able to do a World Wide Web search (did Google even exist back then?) and unearth not only my last name but an accounting of my career accomplishments to date.  He wouldn't accept "I'd rather not give out my full contact information until we meet and see if we like each other" for an answer.  In his mind, I'd thrown down the gauntlet.  Imagine my horror when we sat down for coffee and he proceeded to crow triumphantly that he had broken through my ridiculous privacy barrier, easily, quickly, and without my knowledge.

Needless to say, this wasn't a romance that blossomed.  I was offended, dismayed, and frankly a bit shaken up by the experience.  I was like: what is this guy's problem?  Why would he refuse to respect my wishes?  Did he think I would be so impressed at his online sleuthing skills that I'd fall madly in love on the first date? 

Fast forward ten plus years.  Now... when I see the kinds of things the "kids" out there are posting, my first thought is, "Where the hell are their parents?!"  The second thing I think is, do they truly not realize the kind of danger they are exposing themselves to from predators?  Not to mention all the merriment that would ensue if their online antics were seen by a potential employer or college admissions officer.

And the third thing I think is... damn, grrrl.  You are gettin' OLD! 

Posted by: Margo Z
Topic: Why do men hate it when women ask, “What are you thinking…?”

In my experience, no matter who asks the question, 90% of the time it’s born of insecurity.  Either the relationship is new and we aren’t yet comfortable with lulls in the conversation; or else our inner fears are screaming, “Oh no, he got quiet all of a sudden, what does it MEAN?!” 

Broadcasting our insecurities drives people away.  Habitually prying and probing into another’s private thoughts becomes a nervous tic of sorts, and can’t help but put the respondent in a defensive position – and what emotionally healthy person would find that enjoyable? 

I agree with those who say men don’t like to be asked the question because they feel compelled to answer candidly, and they are all too often thinking something that would only lead to conflict.  I mean, do we REALLY want to hear that he’s thinking carnal thoughts about the waitress… or that he just plain wishes we’d shut up sometimes? 

Other times, he might be working out a problem in his head or going over something that happened at work that he now believes he could have handled differently.  Our breaking into those thoughts, which have nothing to do with us, becomes an unwelcome intrusion.   

One of my favorite passages from The Rules, that famous set of dating and relationship guidelines by Ellen Fein & Sherrie Schneider, suggests a positive reason a man might have clammed up:

Sometimes men just want to drive in silence without saying a word.  Let them.  Maybe he’s thinking about how he’s going to propose to you one day.  Don’t ruin his concentration.

Reading that broke me of asking a man that question, ever.  Now that I’m married, when Josh gets quiet I’ll say to myself, “Hmm, maybe he’s trying to figure out what to get me for Valentine’s Day; better not interrupt his train of thought.”  And even if he’s really thinking that yes, my butt DOES look big in these jeans, because I don’t nudge him to share any thoughts he'd prefer not to, harmony reigns supreme.

Posted by: Margo Z
Topic: What is your absolute favorite thing about being happily in love, in a committed relationship?

The three opening topics for this new group of bloggers have all kinda been downers, don’tcha think? Especially for a site where single people gather to meet one another and, if luck is with them, fall in love and partner up with someone for keeps. I prefer hope and inspiration to negativity and red flags.  Being out there in the mating trenches is hard enough without having all these “problem scenarios” to dissect and dwell upon.

I decided to post about something positive this week, instead of why couples split up after decades of marriage. In a burst of originality (har), I asked a bunch of my friends and acquaintances who are in, or have been in, or dream of being in, happy couplings the following question: 

What is your absolute favorite thing about being happily in love, in a committed relationship?

Even with a 24-hour deadline, the answers poured in fast and furious and went on for pages and pages.  The respondents are male, female, gay, straight, young, old, never-married, divorced, widowed, remarried.  Some were captivated enough by the question that they sent it around to their own friends and relatives and forwarded the replies.  Here are some notable excerpts:

My absolute favorite thing is the feeling of trust implicit in all things: actions, words, thoughts. No games, no wondering what the other is really thinking, no holding back. Just trust.
-- Jennifer, 60

We enjoy each other's company so much, it's fun to do things together.  We make each other laugh and have interesting talks. There is a deep connection between us and we can freely share our feelings. When there is an issue between us we are both willing to discuss it and work it out to a harmonious conclusion. We accept each other's faults and help each other to grow as people. We are affectionate and have great sex. We admire and respect one another. We are each other's true love.
-- Gabrielle, 54

I am 80, my wife is 81.  We married when I was 19, just out of the Navy. After 60 years together, the sex is still probably my favorite thing. And the trust you build after all that time. We’ve stayed together so long because I’m good at saying, “Yes, dear” no matter how wrong she is. We also don’t spend 24 hours a day together. Lots of time apart so the homecomings are special.
-- Eric, 80 

My favorite thing is having a true friend; also making someone feel happy and good about themselves.
-- Tasha, 28

I’ve had one phenomenal relationship: a 12-year marriage that got better each year. It was a dream come true after two failed marriages. The absolute best thing was the peace and utter contentment. We had ups and downs from the outside world, but for the most part, between us, everything was just so darn easy and right. He helped me grow and be a better me. He was a lover, a husband, a best friend, a father to my daughter, a son-in-law to my parents. There was mutual respect and integrity. We took turns leaning on each other. Although we were different people with different interests, we just fit together so well as woman and man.

I remember him telling me as he was dying that our years together were the best of his life and he didn’t regret anything; for me to go on with my life after he was gone and to be happy. I was 48 and he was 53. To this day I feel blessed to have known him.
-- Jillian, 59

The feeling of security.
-- Christopher, 43

Having somebody with whom to share the most mundane details of life: shopping for groceries, cleaning up the house, etc. Every little chore becomes a chance to spend quality time together. 
-- Mary Jane, 39

Knowing that there is one other person in the world who truly cares about me, truly is interested and watches out for me.   The world is so big and so uncaring and everyone is caught up in their own problems. We need that one person who is looking out for us -- the old buddy system -- so we don't get lost and left alone in the world.
-- Linda, 47

Romance!  Can’t live without it!
-- David, 74

I love the level of comfort and trust we've built up over the years (and all the in-jokes no one else really gets!)
-- Roz, 28

After twenty years together, being with someone who knows where I have been as a person, where I am now and where I want to go. 
-- Betty, 48

The stability that I get from it. Just a deep, abiding sense that no matter what else happens in life, my wife is there for me and she has my back.
-- John, 38

Having someone to share things with -- things that touch me deeply, are my favorite, etc.  You know -- vacations, dinners, movies, the zoo, that art museum, the puzzle I like, <insert activity here>.  Definitely.
-- Beth, 29

My absolute favorite thing is the balance my partner and I have.  I'm a little more high strung and emotional than he is (okay, a lot more), he's the rational, scientific type.  We have different tastes in music, movies, T.V. and he NEVER cracks open a book.  Despite these differences, we find common ground in a lot of things I know I never would have thought I'd have an interest in.  He's introduced me to hockey, Corvair cars, and Billy Joel; I've introduced him to soaps, indie movies, and Reba!
-- Michael, 34

I was in a committed relationship (I should have been committed for being in it at all) for 23 years, but not happily in love. On our way to get married I was talking about the fact that I didn't trust him. NOW, after being very happily in love and remarried for a few years, I can honestly say that being with someone I can trust completely is my favorite thing.
-- Susan, 56

Feeling admired, special and wanted.
-- Sarah, 30

That warming, cozy, comforting feeling where and when you know there's a person who cares as much for you as you do for them and each of you sincerely enjoys loving and doing for the other one.
-- Bob, 68

Having someone with whom I can share my happy news, and having someone nearby who will listen to my bad news and hug away my tears. The sex is good, too.
-- Deni, 65

Reaching your personal/professional goals together, while encouraging each other every step of the way.
-- Keisha, 32

The peace it brings.
-- Lili, 66

My favorite thing is the comfort and support I feel in knowing someone understands all of my strengths and passions as well as my weaknesses and insecurities and, given this understanding, chooses to share life with me.  With the public and even with friends I am always mindful about expressing ideas, a self-imposed censorship which comes from a feeling of not wanting to offend. There is not anything that I feel I cannot share with my husband.
-- Marie, 53

The 'butterfly feeling' you get every time you see him smile at you or flirt with you. 
-- Diana, 26

Knowing that I still, after nearly 18 years of marriage, find him the most interesting, funniest bed company in the world.
-- Cherie, 45

Being needed and at the same time fulfilling the needs of another. The needs I speak of are of the heart and soul. Each of us has different desires but we all have the same need: to have someone who would give you their soul, their love, their everything. And to be able to give that in return is the most remarkable thing about being in love and will give you nothing but happiness. What an experience.
-- Walt, 44

Simply being with him.
-- Manon, 37

As for me, Margo Z? My favorite thing is the knowledge that I get to be my whole self with Josh – the good and the bad, the sane and the loopy -- and getting the emotional feedback in return that no matter what, “it’s all good.” It’s rare to find another human being who will accept and love you exactly the way you are. When you find that person, hold on tight! And be sure and return the favor.

Posted by: Margo Z
Topic: Is there anything wrong with a person in a committed relationship having a crush on someone else…as long as it isn’t acted upon? Can it even benefit a relationship?

You know that classic word association exercise where one person throws out a word and the other person is supposed to blurt out the first thing that pops into their head?

When I saw “crush,” the first thing I thought was, “innocent schoolgirl.”

But that’s not really what we’re talking about here, is it.  We’re talking about a chemical attraction powerful enough that it COULD be acted upon, presumably at great peril to the relationship -- but the committed party, through sheer force of will, somehow manages to keep his or her zipper zipped.  Or resists the urge to fall into an emotional affair, which can be even more devastating than a purely sexual liaison.

Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but a “close call” like that being beneficial to a relationship… ?  I suppose if it makes you realize how blessed you are to have the marriage you’ve already got… and perhaps spurs you to find ways to make it more exciting and fulfilling… then it could be viewed as having been a good thing.  Conversely, if the relationship has been on its last legs for a while now, and this is the “wake-up call” it took to help you see you truly are better off out of it, then I could see it being positive. 

I experienced the latter situation in my first marriage.  I developed a super-strong, mutual crush on a fellow I met online, and briefly contemplated taking it offline.  But then I realized, hey – no matter how lonely and unhappy I’ve been, no matter how starved for affection or emotionally neglected I’ve felt, the guy I’m married to is kind, decent, trusting and trustworthy, and doesn’t deserve to be treated that way.  It made me face up to a few hard realities, and two months later led to me screwing up my courage and saying to my then-husband one night, “We need to talk.”  While it wasn’t beneficial to that particular relationship, we’re both far happier as distant friends in satisfying second marriages than we were together.

Ever since I saw that “Friends” episode Aly mentioned, I’ve kept a list.  Currently, Will Smith occupies three spaces and Brad Pitt takes up the other two (the first sloppy encounter with a stranger rarely being all that memorable).  But it’s more of an aesthetic thing – an appreciation for a particularly well put together lump of human clay – rather than anything I’d go for in real life.  If Brad Pitt rang my doorbell one night because his car broke down not far from here and he was wondering if he could use my phone (have you seen the American Greetings card I got that scenario from?  Hysterical.) – I’d hand him the phone, offer him a beer, get his autograph, and ask how in the WORLD he could ever throw over that sweet girl he was married to for “that other one,” who’s all skin and bones and seems so bossy… whereupon the tow truck would arrive and he’d bolt outa there before I could even contemplate jumping HIS bones.  Because yeah, Brad Pitt is cute?  But I’m too content with what I’ve found with The Greatest Guy Ever (aka my husband Josh) to even think serious sexual thoughts about anyone else. 

And no, I’m not making that up, and yes, I fervently hope it stays that way for the next forty or so years.

Next question?