The Great Mate Debate

Posted by: Lindley Arthur

Topic: Speaking from personal experience, what are the three best things about being single?

I wasn’t very good at being single. Some guy was always in the picture, mostly because I couldn’t stand to be alone. My boyfriends ranged from a blue-haired boarding school drop out who wore corduroy dresses, to a pot bellied frat guy in a sweater vest. Not some of my proudest moments. But I don’t regret it. After all, they’re really funny to reminisce about when I get drunk with my girlfriends.

What I do regret is not spending more time single. My unattached girlfriends have so much freedom. Everything in their lives belongs to them. They have complete control. If my friend Amy wants to watch the Lifetime movie marathon all day, and then head to the mall to spend her entire Christmas bonus on a pair of Christian Louboutins, then she can – and she doesn’t have to argue about the remote, or secretly stash her shopping bag under her stroller. She can get dressed up on Saturday night and flirt with whoever she wants to. She can eat a salad for every meal. And, she could actually consider taking her dream job, even if it offices in New York or Paris, without worrying about someone else’s job or where her kids will go to school.

I was asked to write about three things that are great about being single. I came up with a long list, but I think one statement sums it up: When you’re single, you get to do what you want to do when you want to do it. It’s a trade off, like anything else in life. Relationships have companionship, love and stability. But you end up putting your needs second a lot.

I always thought being single meant being alone – which is probably why I had such a problem with it in my 20s. But I see things differently now. I’ve come to realize that when you’re single, you’re not alone – you just are a lot closer to yourself.

Posted by: Lindley Arthur
Topic: Recently some schools banned hugging and “extreme displays of public affection” – what impact do you think this will have on kids and teens, as they become adults?

In my senior yearbook, there’s a photo of me giving my high school boyfriend a kiss before class. No one said a word about it – except my embarrassed mother. Today that kiss in the hallway would have probably been enough to have me expelled.

I admit that I was shocked when I read this week’s topic. I didn’t know that our schools are cracking down on PDA. So I did some research on Google. One kid in Washington got nailed for giving his buddy a high five in the hall. Another boy in Virginia put his arm around his girlfriend in the cafeteria and was issued a detention. And hugging? It's banned from too many schools to count.

Obviously, there needs to be repercussions for making out during passing period. But hugs and high fives? Please. There are more important things to focus on – like reducing high school dropouts, developing our teachers and increasing school security.

We live in a world where thanks to technology, verbal communication is becoming less personal. Texting and e-mailing have replaced good, old-fashioned conversation. To me, banning hugs and other forms of innocent PDA is essentially saying it’s wrong to show you care about someone with a gesture in public. And it’s bound to make our kids – and their relationships in the future – even more removed.

Posted by: Lindley Arthur
Topic: Do you believe in love at first sight? Have you experienced it – and was it “the real thing” or lust? 

I heard a great story on Good Morning America this morning about Patrick Moberg, a 21-year-old Brooklyn guy who spotted a girl on a subway last week and instantly fell in love with her. He made eye contact and then lost sight of her on the overcrowded train. So Patrick dedicated a Web site to finding her. He sketched a picture of her and posted his contact information online. It worked. Two days later, someone recognized the description and sent Patrick a photo of his mystery brunette, Camille Hayton, a 22-year-old magazine intern also from Brooklyn.

I love this story, and I think it’s enough to turn even the most cynical person into a romantic. After all, everyone loves a good fairy tale – especially one that might play out in real life. But on the other hand, I don’t buy the love-at-first-sight concept. Here’s why. Without a real conversation or knowing a person, the only thing you’re attracted to is the image. And love is much deeper than that. To love someone, you have to really KNOW them. You must form an emotional connection, which comes with time and shared experiences. I can see why people might be intensely drawn to someone just by looking at them, and confuse it with love. It’s no different than being moved by the image of a painting in a museum. But you’ve got to know what’s behind that image to truly understand (and love) it.

So back to Camille and Patrick. I hope their fairy tale has a happy ending. But ever since finding and meeting her, that magic Web site that brought them together hasn’t been updated. Who knows what this means – maybe they are falling in love over dinner and wine. Or maybe Patrick realized that the girl on the subway was just an image he fell in love with – nothing more.

Posted by: Lindley Arthur

Topic: What three things do you think are vital to an amazing relationship?

This question has kept me up at night. Choosing just three things that are important to a great relationship is tough – as Sherry said, there are so many components, and it depends on the person. But after much tossing and turning, I’ve come up with a list that I think applies to everyone:

• Respect. It’s a great foundation and a pretty simple concept – treat your partner the way you want to be treated. It encompasses so many other important relationship qualities. It means you listen to your partner, compromise, and are smart enough to know when to keep your mouth shut.

• Feeling like you can be your self. We’ve all been in relationships where we censored what we said, and agreed when we disagreed. I had a relationship like this in college. Looking back on it, the guy had no idea who I was. I met Stroud a few months later, and it was so refreshing to be myself from the moment we met. The truly great relationships are the ones where being your self comes naturally.

• Forgiveness. Let’s face it – you’re going to make mistakes. And so is your partner. This means if you’re going to have a healthy relationship, you must find a way to forgive.

The real challenge is not the forgiving. It’s the forgetting. You can’t hold a grudge, and must make a conscience effort to “let it go.” This means not using last month’s offense as ammunition during your next argument.

It’s a complex skill that is primarily rooted in personal faith. By studying your faith, you can learn the steps to make it happen. Once you get the hang of it, it will make your relationship stronger, and you can finally let go of that anger.

Posted by: Lindley Arthur
Topic: So many people are using technology to capture their lives – from camera phones to YouTube, My Space, and Facebook – that the idea of living a “private life” is changing. What impact do you think this will have on relationships in the future?

There’s no doubt, technology is changing the way we meet and communicate with people. The numbers speak for themselves. More than 185 million people are members of My Space. Facebook has at least 25 million members. And the cell phone companies report that 18.5 billion text messages are sent every month.

Embarrassing as it is to admit, I just found out about My Space a few months ago. My friends convinced me to set up a page so I could share pictures of Leighton. I’ve got it up, but its bare bones – I don’t have a clue how to add music. And text messaging? It takes me at least five minutes to send a one-liner. I suppose I should try and figure it all out, but the fact is, I’m an old fashioned girl who loves her land line and answering machine.

That being said, I do see the benefits of technology on relationships. My Space and Facebook allow us to meet people, and do a “background check” on someone we’re interested in.  Text messaging provides a convenient, less intimidating way to contact someone. And like Aly said, long distance relationships are “easier” thanks to Web cams and digital pics.

I have to say, the old fashioned girl in me is a little wary of relying too much on technology. I worry that it’s almost too convenient – and by using it solely, we can miss the experience of really getting to know someone firsthand. My Space is a great, but a person can represent themselves any way they want. I don’t know if simply looking at someone’s self-created page is the best way to judge their character. And personally, I think text messaging is a little too easy. It’s hard to really get the full communication experience without hearing the emotion is someone’s voice

Don’t get me wrong, I think technology is a great tool, but I still think it’s important to communicate personally, and take the time to get to know someone face to face rather than just on the screen in front of you.

Posted by: Lindley Arthur
Topic: The dangers of over-analyzing our love life

Socrates once said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” But when it comes to our love lives, I tend to disagree with the great Greek philosopher. Examining things too closely can mess up a good thing.

I had lunch the other day with one of my favorite girlfriends. We had lots to chat about – she had just had a close-to-perfect blind date the night before. The guy was good looking, held a successful job and was religious. Best of all, conversation flowed. He earned even more brownie points when he called her just 48 hours later to ask her out again. He suggested a great new Japanese restaurant (which happens to be one of her favorites) and asked her to meet him there.

I immediately picked up on something in her voice when she told me about the plans. And it wasn’t excitement. She had honed in on the fact that he wasn’t picking her up. What could this mean? Did he want to have his car nearby in case he needed to make a quick exit after the first tray of spicy tuna rolls was polished off? Was he too busy to take the time to come by her house? Or did he just lack good, old-fashioned Southern manners?

Like my friend, over-analyzing has always been my specialty. In middle school, I convinced myself that the boy who asked to borrow my red pencil in Algebra II must be planning to ask me to the big Eighth Grade Dance. When my high school boyfriend forgot to tell me about a party, I assumed he didn’t want me to come, so I spent a fun Friday night in a parking lot drinking wine coolers with a girlfriend. And in college, my girlfriends and I wasted time driving by our boyfriends’ fraternity houses, coming up with new scenarios for every minute that our cell phones didn’t ring.

Living with my husband for five years has made me an over-analyzer in recovery. Don’t get me wrong, I still read into things too much sometimes. Like the other night, when Stroud couldn’t tear himself away from his Blackberry at the dinner table. My first thought was that he was so consumed with work that he didn’t have time for his family. The reality - he was waiting on an important e-mail that would close a deal he had been working on. Situations like this have made me realize that most men just aren’t as complex as we think they are.

Over-thinking our relationships creates problems when none exist. It causes you to be upset over nothing, and then take that out on your significant other. So why do we do it in the first place? It all comes down to trying to protect ourselves. We don’t want to get hurt. So we try and see things coming before they hit us. And we turn to our friends, who can just make the situation worse by egging on our wild imaginations. Socrates might have been right about life, but in these situations, here’s my philosophy. Examine yourself rather than the other person. Stop, and ask yourself why you think something is wrong with the situation. By relying on your own instinct rather than fleeting feelings, you’ll find the answers you need and along with it, peace. 

Posted by: Lindley Arthur
Topic:Why do you think so many couples split up once they are “empty nesters” – once the kids are independent?

When couples have an “empty nest”, it gives them time to realize that their relationship, after years spent focusing on kids, is a little bit empty. I think people end their marriage at this time for a couple of reasons.

First, they’re those who’ve known their relationship was over for years, but decided to stay together “for the kids.” These couples usually file for divorce as soon as their youngest sets foot in the dorm. 

Several of my friends’ parents stayed together until the last kid was out of the house. I’m sure they thought they were putting on a good show and doing the right thing, but in every case, it was obvious to the kids what was going on. It was like a hammer hanging over their heads and most wished their parents would just end it. If a couple has done everything to save a marriage and it’s just over, it’s best to just divorce – the kids will be better adjusted growing up in a split, happy household as opposed to one with fighting and tension.

Then there are those who’ve spent the past 18 years or so just focusing on field trips, T-ball practices, cafeteria duty and graduation parties. When the youngest is off, it’s hard to know what to talk about – and hard to remember why they got married in the first place.

As a mother, I can see how it’s easy to get so consumed with the kids that you lose sight of your marriage. Leighton is only two, but already my days are filled with school open houses, play dates and parenting classes. A date night takes at least two weeks to plan – I’ve got to find an open night and then track down a babysitter. And often on these rare getaways, conversation centers on Leighton.

Looking 18 years in the future, I can see how a marriage that’s just focused on the kids could grow apart. Don’t get me wrong – kids should be one of the top priorities. But so should spending some time without them – and without talking about them. The reality is you must pencil in time together, whether it’s going on a vacation once a year, having dinner sans kids or just sitting on your porch with a glass of wine. You’ve got to make an effort to reconnect.

Posted by: Lindley Arthur
Topic: Is there anything wrong with a person in a committed relationship having a crush on someone else…as long as it isn’t acted upon? Can it even benefit a relationship?

Here’s the problem with having a crush on someone else (and not acting upon it) when you’re committed – believing that the feelings point to something wrong with your relationship.

There are probably hundreds of scientific studies about the law of human attraction, pheromones and such. It’s been proven that we can’t control who we’re attracted to – it’s a natural human response. But for some reason, the subject is off limits. People just are too ashamed to admit it.

So let me, a married woman and a mom, confess – I’ve had the hots for someone other than my husband.

I developed a crush shortly after I got married. I knew the guy through work and was only around him a handful of times. I’ve tried to think of a way to describe him, but can’t remember anything other than those pheromones flew. I noticed that immediately, and although it felt good, it also felt uncomfortable. This man was not my husband, and even though cheating on Stroud never entered my mind, it just felt wrong to be around him.

Still, it killed me that I was attracted to someone else. Hadn’t I just recited my vows 11 months ago in front of 400 family members and friends? I hadn’t even been married one year, how on earth was I going to get through the next 30? I convinced myself that our marriage was doomed. I felt so bad, in fact, that it started to affect my marriage. I pitied Stroud for being married to such a witch. I questioned myself. Surely if I loved Stroud enough, I thought, I wouldn’t even notice someone else.

A couple of weeks later, I met one of my dearest friends (who also happens to be happily married) for dinner. Maybe it was anonymity of the dimly-lit booth or the fact that we had polished off a bottle of pinot, but whatever the reason, we both bravely admitted that our minds had wandered. I woke up the next morning with a terrible hangover, but my mind was finally clear. There was nothing wrong with my marriage, and there was nothing wrong with me. The only thing I had to feel bad about was the way I had tortured myself over the past two weeks.

I’m sure over the next 30 years of my marriage I’ll have a few other crushes. I expect Stroud will, too (even though I don’t want to know about it). It’s inevitable. But it doesn’t make either of us a terrible person. It makes us human.

Posted by: Lindley Arthur
Topic: Do you think couples in which the woman is more successful than the man are more likely to break up than other couples (all else being equal)?

Today, most educated women would like to answer a definitive “no” to this question. But from what I’ve seen firsthand in the workplace, my answer would be “well, maybe.”

I offer my first boss as an example. She was young and had climbed her way to the top of the corporate ladder, working as vice president of the communications department. I looked up to her. She was a woman, working in a male dominated industry, making big decisions, and with it, big money.

Her college-educated husband stayed home. He drove their two boys to their expensive private school, picked them up in the afternoon, and took care of all of the little, mundane stuff in between. He was a great dad. Don’t get me wrong, she was a good mom, too – but it was Dad who did most of the grunt work to make their house run smoothly.

Other than our annual Christmas party, the office staff didn’t see much of him. But we heard him every day – from the speaker phone in her office. My boss would call him, push the speaker button, and scream at him. The dry cleaning wasn’t picked up! The milk he bought at the grocery store was not soy! Was he really this incompetent? The rest of us would retreat to our tiny cubes, pecking at our keyboards in a futile attempt to drown out the noise. Even though I didn’t know her husband personally, I felt strangely bonded to him. After all, he was treated like one of us – an employee.

By the time I left that job, I didn’t look up to her anymore. Not because she wasn’t successful. She definitely was in the workplace. But I didn’t admire her personal life. I don’t know what was going on behind the scenes of her marriage, but I suspect she resented her husband for not contributing financially to the household. And it had festered for so long, that now she thought nothing of humiliating him in public.

My boss’ role in her family was part of a growing trend in our country. Today, one in every three wives earns more than their husbands. It is a way of life for many couples. And it works, as long as he’s not looking up, and she’s not looking down. In other words, the man must put aside any feelings of inadequacy because he doesn’t make as much money. And no matter how high she sits on that corporate ladder, she can’t look down at her man. It’s all about respect. Both parties have to see past the paycheck and find value in what is contributed other than money. I’m talking about the stuff that sometimes goes unnoticed - listening, being supportive, or being thoughtful enough to run a simple errand like picking up the dry cleaning. The couples can survive, but they must see the places to give other than their joint checking account.