The Great Mate Debate

Posted by: Greg and Amiira Behrendt
Topic: Goodbye.

Once again I was on the road and forgot to blog. Perhaps it was intentional as this appears to be the last one for our tenure here at Chemistry.com. I have enjoyed this more than I thought would. It just seems like there is so much negativity and bullying on the internet. But i felt there was much to take from all the participants and to Dan, Wendy and Helen we really dug writing with you. I know this was supposed to be a heated debate sometimes but in all honesty when it comes to relationships there are a few ways to skin a cat but it's up to you to find it. Just because I don't agree with Dan sometimes doesn't mean I don't find his opinion totally valuable. When I turned to my friend at work and told her "He's just not that into you." I was simply voicing my opinion. Amiira and I listen to what you say and then respond based on what's worked for us. I hope we've been helpful. I know I've learned some reading your comments. Yes Lloyd I'm a "Metrosexual" although I prefer to think of it as just having class.
Continue Rocking! XOXO
Greg and Amiira

Posted by: Greg and Amiira Behrendt
Topic: Inter-faith dating – when does it work? When doesn’t it?

There’s a long and short answer to this question. The long one being the exploration of all religions to see where there are compatibilities between any of the faiths and where there are clearly impossibilities. Sadly, we don’t have the time to research that and frankly, you the reader probably aren’t looking for a hundred-page blog detailing as such. Anyone that interested in the tops is probably going to haul their cookies down to Barnes and Noble before they visit us here at The Great Mate Debate.

Since neither of us are theologians we can only offer our own personal thoughts on Inter-faith dating or even dating in general. To us it is simple though Religion generally is not. When you put your relationship before or equal to your faith, Interfaith-dating works. When you put your faith or Religion before your relationship, it might end up being at the expense of your relationship. Clearly we’re interpreting “Inter-faith dating” in this question as serious dating/relationships. If we’re talking about casual dating then faith generally has the upper hand but once you are serious about coupling with someone long term, a choice has to be made. Now, we’ll probably be filleted for saying that but ultimately there is a choice to be made if you profoundly love someone with whom your faith conflicts. At some point you have to decide which you cannot live without - a strict adherence to your faith or the experience of profound love and the future life with that person. And at some point you should consider whether your God or personal faith would have you sacrifice your true love to remain devout. Faith to us is something that lives in your heart not a prescribed set of rules and restrictions but again, that is our intrepretation.

Let it be known that neither of us are Religious people yet we are both spiritual individuals who have a sense of faith that guides us. As luck would have it, our faith and spirituality aren’t in conflict with each other’s so we’ve got it easy. HOWEVER, there is no Religion or faith that could be more precious to us than being with each other nor make us better people than we are when we are united together. We both truly believe that and as such, we can only speculate that were we in the situation of being poorly matched faith wise, that together we would have to create something unique to us. It would be our own thing that would combine the best parts of our faiths to form something new that allows us to continue aspects of our beliefs as well as have a future together.

And we would call our new faith Carlos.

Posted by: Greg and Amiira Behrendt
Topic: Are two people really and truly meant to stay together forever…or should we embrace more of a serial long-term relationship model for happiness?

Wow isn’t that the question of the day? I hope so otherwise we wasted a lot of people’s time not to mention money at our surprise wedding seven years ago. For me it’s exactly like this. When I met Amiira I could honestly see the future with her many of the fantasies I had about her in our first few months together have not only come true but have gone beyond my wildest dreams, including having kids, working together, building a life and great sex. It’s all been spectacular but we’ve been through the s#%t too like my moms long struggle with lung cancer, hard work on projects that took us away from our kids and ultimately failed, and the same malaises that plague all married folks, time for sex communication, in-laws and money but we’ve made it through all that with flying colors and how do we do it? We do it the same way I try to stay sober. One day at a time. “Really Greg, that old chestnut?” I know but damn if it doesn’t work. I can’t really promise to do anything forever including breath. But I can try minute-to-minute, hour-to-hour, and day-to-day to stay married. On a bad day all I have to do is stay married until I rest my head upon my pillow and on a great day I think “I get to have her for one more day”. Which is how I feel pretty much all the time. I’m a lucky bastard. So I’m not sure if we are meant to be together, or if we’ve embraced a more of a serial long-term relationship model for happiness but we do it One Day At A Time. We also have a misery clause in our verbal agreement that if either of us is miserable and the problem is unsolvable we will gladly part ways regardless of weather or not the kids still live at home. We refuse to raise them in a loveless house. Marriage is not a duty it should be a privilege no matter how you make it work. Plus making it work can really be the fun part if you know how.

Posted by: Greg and Amiira Behrendt
Topic: Relationship With celebrity gossip

If you are still talking about Britney you have to ask yourself "How's my life going?" Last Sunday night a beleaguered pop tartlet gave an underwhelming performance at what can only really be described now as a office party for MTV. The perfomance has created nothing short of an uproar of media and internet media disapproval. So offensive was Spears' performance that it prompted internet superstar bully Perez Hilton to write this

We are insulted, offended and disgusted by your “performance” at the VMAs.

Are you f@#king serious???

What you did was disrespectful to your few remaining fans. And it was disrespectful to MTV!

You didn’t even try!!!!!

You should have just cancelled, b@#$%.

Your performance was beyond pathetic. The old Britney Spears, who was at one point (a long time ago) truly great, would be embarrassed by your lack of professionalism and utterly shiteous appearance at the VMAs.

You seemed dead onstage. You have lost that spark and shine that used to ooze out of you!

We all know you lipsynch, but you couldn’t even do that well at the VMAs!

And you barely danced!

You couldn’t even get good hair extensions??????

You have no one to blame for your failure but YOU!

There was no way you were going to be good. You were out partying every night before the VMAs for three days in a row until almost sunrise! You were probably still drunk or high during your performance!!! You almost tripped a few times, you f@#$ing mess!!!!!!!

No bullsh#t excuse that you or your camp will come up with can make up for how pathetic your performance was.

Dude seriously, talk to a professional about this. Britney doesn't owe you or me or anyone. Look I'm not above this, I was on Perez's site looking for exactly what was there. I AM PART OF THE PROBLEM. I don't believe I'm to blame for Anna Nicole's or Princess Di's respective deaths but I do my part to feed the machine and the machine does exactly what we tell IT to. We want more pictures of Nicole Ritchie pregnant on vacation so IT goes and gets them for us. I want to know what Lindsey's rehab stint is like so IT finds out. Or the machine says, "Would you like to see up Paris's skirt?" And I say, "Sure." I feed the machine. Does the machine kill people? It certainly does not, but does it care about people? IT does not. Which means I must not care about people which is not true. If Britney was your friend you might be really fed up with her even annoyed, but on some level you would have some compassion for her so why does it seem we are all invested in seeing her fail? That's the question I have asked myself over the past week and I'm afraid I have no answer other than I have to stop feeding the machine.

Posted by:  Greg and Amiira Behrendt
Topic:  When a couple settles into a rut, can they ever escape and recapture “the spark”?

Yes I think you can, but it takes work and both parties have to be willing to change the thing that is causing the rut. If those things can't be done then you are in bad shape. Hmmm what else? Have sex even though you don't want to, buy a Chia pet and then spend time together watching it grow. You'll be amazed at how much closer you guys get from first sprout to full afro. Ummmmmmm lemme see... Oh I know! Buy some new pants, that always feels good and also if they look good maybe your partner will fell better about you. I know mine does, she likes my slacks. Take a trip and invite your partner. How about a dance class? Say this word together. "Flemph!" It will make you both laugh and then you will start realizing that ruts suck. No more nights in the ruts. Or getting it right in the...You rock!

Note from the wife: Please excuse Greg, he just had a coffee flavored popsicle and is high as a kite.

Posted by: Greg and Amiira Behrendt

Topic: A couple decides to divorce. At what point after they separate should they start dating other people?

Amiira: This is an interesting question because I have been in this predicament personally when my first marriage bit the dust after a lengthy yet unsuccessful series of relationship CPR. In my heart I think that out of respect to the relationship and your “soon to be ex-spouse” you should wait awhile. Not to mention that no one likes to be the recipient of your confused, angry, broken hearted, bitter, disillusioned feelings which so often accompany the recently split on their next series of romantic outings.

Greg: Are we getting divorced? Because my guess is that anyone who was married to me would take years to get over.

Amiira: You’re adorable when you’re being wrong. No, seriously… the end of a marriage is a big thing and the subsequent dating that is sure to happen usually is a bit imbalanced. When you break up there’s generally one person that is gutted by it, while the other person is relieved that it’s finally done because they’ve been ready for it to be over for awhile. So one of you is ready to get your date on and the other is mourning the end of what they thought was supposed to be for the rest of their lives.

Greg: Sometimes people try to date too soon simply to know that they can without understanding that anything created in a vacuum of fear ultimately won’t work. Did you see that movie?

Amiira: What movie?

Greg: The Vacuum Of Fear? It’s about a vacuum that’s afraid of getting in a relationship…

Amiira: There’s nothing worse than knowing that your soon to be ex is dating already. It just feels sh*tty. It’s unbearable to feel so easily replaced.

Greg: We’ve said that there’s no set date or amount of time other than the time it takes for you to feel good about yourself again. That’s the right time to start dating. That’s the person that should be going on dates.

Amiira: That’s so true. There’s a side of you that probably wants to get dating as soon as possible which sounds good in theory, but another part of you that finds the idea of dating to be just awful. Unless your marriage has been a complete misery divorce is a big thing to rebound from and actually be emotionally ready to open yourself up to another human being.

Greg: That’s why we suggest you get yourself a fish. Once you can open your heart to a fish, then you can open your heart to a fisherman…. I think that’s from the Bible.

Amiira: That’s just smart living.

Posted by: Greg and Amiira Behrendt
Topic: Dating

We have this amazing friend that is by all accounts one of the finest people we know. He is spiritual, soulful, hilarious, loyal, sweet, handsome, a great dresser, a killer flirt, a talented artist, well paid, well employed, pillar of goodness who’s wit is only outdone by his humility. He is someone we would trust with our children and give a kidney to but we wouldn’t wish dating him on our least favorite person in the world. Seriously. We have set up a couple of our single girlfriends with him because he’s the best single and straight guy we’ve ever come across in our many years in Los Angeles.

He does everything well except date and be in relationships with women. He’s great in relationships with men but he’s the guy that goes on date one and is naked by number two, in a relationship by number three, in deep “like” by number four and done by number five. It’s not that he just decides he not into it and can easily extract himself from a casual thing because he’s been smooth operating on overdrive. The ladies who fall for him don’t just get broken up with they get dropped off a building. He just cannot help himself. He rushes into things so quickly (and we think with good intentions) but then gets freaked out by the speed THAT HE SET IN THE FIRST PLACE for the damn thing and completely bodyslams said lady into oblivion. We have literally lost friends over how brutal his break up is.

It would be one thing if he just went on a date with a lady, had sex with her then never called hear again. People know what that is. But he charms the pants off a girl, fawns over her, is wildly attentive, takes all her spare time immediately, fills her dance card, literally is almost living together by the end of the first week and just when the girl is thinking this is “IT” or at least clearly going to be her next serious relationship – BOOM! He goes cold. Acts differently, distances himself, suddenly needs a break and some space. It’s crazy! How can someone be so great in the world and with friends but such a total nightmare to date??? We’ve talked to him about it and he knows that this is the one area of his life that he’s got to get control over. We found ourselves actually asking him to please not date any of our friends.

That’s nice, right? We love you but get away from that girl.

Posted by: Greg and Amiira Behrendt
Topic: Office love: Does its sometimes forbidden nature make it more enticing?

Greg: I love my office and I don’t care who knows it. It’s my sanctuary in my home. It’s where we create these little word gems you people call blogs. It’s where plans are made, ideas are hatched and naps are taken. So what if society frowns upon the human love of an inanimate object or space. I’m here, it’s weird, and I don’t care who knows it.

Amiira: Sweetness, I think they’re referring to interoffice romances. The kind often frowned upon by the human resources department due to its sticky nature, not the love of one’s actual office space.

Greg: Noted! Well I’ve never had an office job…or a job for that matter but we work together here and I can’t keep my hands off you. I suspect that if we had worked at GlobalTechUnitedBallonsAndCoffee-USA.com//marketingdept or some such place I would have at least wanted to have a coffee with you. Knowing me, office policy wouldn’t have kept me from asking you out but I also don’t think it would have made it more enticing. You are enticing enough.

Amiira: Thanks babe. If I worked at Balloons and Coffee with you I’m sure we would have had a fine office romance… of course I would have been ceremoniously fired. That’s what happens when you spend too much time behind closed doors with the cutie banana from the secretarial pool. That’s right, I’m totally an executive in that scenario and you’re the hot temp that floats from desk to desk until I get my hands on you. Also, please note that I’ve been marinating in episodes of Mad Men as you can tell by my use of the term ‘secretarial pool.’

Greg: We really aren’t addressing the issue though are we? I suspect that Wendy, Dan and Helen will all have smart things to say about this, my take has always been F#$% the rules! We generally don’t get to decide where we are going to meet the person of our dreams. But if it means risking your career on it you better have your priorities straight. Decide what matters most. Are you sure this person is the one or is he/she just the sexiest thing in the break room? I’ve been watching the Office.

Amiira: I love the Office as you know and am looking forward to finding out how Jim and Pam’s first official date went. But back to the point, work is where you spend the better part of your week so it makes sense that you would meet someone that you’re interested in dating there. However I don’t know that being forbidden makes it more enticing. Having your job possibly be on the line seems less exciting than it is terrifying.

Greg: My parents met at work and my mom quit and got a better job and look how that turned out. So I’m in a way a direct result of breaking the rules and I think that shows.

Amiira Plus People like danger and leather as we noted in our similarly themed last blog. I would never jeopardize the career I want for a woman but similarly I would not jeopardize the love of my life for a job. I hope that’s not too unhelpful. See ya next time.

Posted by: Greg and Amiira Behrendt
Topic: What’s the allure of bad boys, bad girls, and bad relationships?

Leather, there is something about a man or woman that can wear leather right that is so appealing. Not everyone can wear leather well. I for one (Amiira) look ridiculous in leather. I (Greg) won’t even wear a baseball mitt. But anyone who can pull off a pair of leather pants is a badass and they know it and they are not wasting there sorry time with you when they could have anyone and do!

Our opinion is the allure of bad boys, bad girls and bad relationships is two fold. First there is the challenge of taming the rebel, saving the soul and the romantic idea of pulling someone back from the edge that would surely have been lost without you. And what could be second to that? When that damaged piece of human beauty chooses you to save them, at least for the moment. Being “chosen” by a bad boy/bad girl will make up for every crushing romantic episode you’ve suffered through and validate you as a desirable human being… or at least that’s how the story’s supposed to go. That my friends is sweet revenge! Getting yourself into a total nightmare with an unstable, self-loathing, jack ass who will surely make your life a living hell and run over your heart with a thousand razorblades just to show everybody else that you’re some lame ass’ version of having it all when in fact all you have is trouble.

Certainly there is some truth in the fact that the things we can’t have are the ones that become so appealing to us because if we finally do get then we think we may resolve something we are lacking. And also anyone with a motorcycle, a band. or leather pants who forgets to call you and sleeps with your roommate the day after you've agreed to be exclusive is just good time!

(Note to people who might take this blog too seriously: We in no way mean to imply that all people who wear leather are heartless bad asses…just the ones that look good in it.)

Posted by: Greg and Amiira Behrendt
Conversation with Wendy Shalit and Dan Savage

Amiira and I have been following the “debate” that Wendy and Dan have been having about sexless marriages and I have to say both parties make good points.

Wendy asserted…

A marriage without intimacy is indeed a poor imitation of a marriage, but to me the next step would be to make a serious effort to seek help. Have they gone to marital counseling? Sex therapy?

Which I not only agreed with but said as much while wearing a neat suit on my low rated talk show. Sex is a very important ingredient in my marriage and that’s why I agree that without sex my marriage would seem flat.

But Dan countered…

I don't believe that a marriage without intimacy is necessarily a poor imitation of a marriage. There are lots of loving, mutually fulfilling and completely sexless marriages out there.

As to Wendy's point about all the many hoops a married person should be asked to jump through before he's even allowed to contemplate an affair... well, what if someone has tried all of that and it didn't do any good?

And I agreed with him too. Amiira and I have gone through dry spells in our seven years together and I don’t remember being less happy. I love sex but it’s not why I married Amiira. It is possible I think to not have sex and be in a great relationship. But I do think that Wendy is right if one person is wildly unhappy the other person owes it to them to take a look at what’s under the hood. Usually a person’s self esteem is tied up in their sexual desire and when it’s not being met they get sad, resentful and angry which we all know is not hot and then the other person is even less likely to have sex with them so counseling is a sound idea. If counseling or the scented candles don’t work I don’t see the point in remaining unhappy or doing something that would or could crush another person.

Dan writes…

Eventually people get sick of asking, and give up—because they've tried everything, and nothing has worked. And then they start making allowances and adjustments, and they find themselves doing things that they never imagined they would—like cheating.

This stumps me and I’m being sincere when I say. “What the hell is a marriage then if you have to cheat to stay in it?” I’m not directing this at Dan because I’m sure many people believe that, what I’m saying is I believe that it’s all totally avoidable if you have the capacity to be honest with yourself and your partner from the get go. Before Amiira and I got married we talked about marriage and about sex. I told Amiira that I was looking forward to a long and healthy marriage that included an adventurous sex life. Now should our sex life fizzle out for whatever reason, I wanted to be able to have an open dialogue about it. So we have an agreement, an escape clause if you will, that out of profound love and respect for our partnership in all of it’s many incarnations of fantastic to crappy and everything in between we will talk about having the urge to cheat before ever coming close to acting on that urge. We will work on our sex life, our marriage, our everything until all is exhausted and should none of those valiant efforts make one iota of difference… then we will SPLIT UP or amicably and jointly decide on an appropriate solutions before we would betray each other by cheating.