The Great Mate Debate

The One

Posted by: Ed Young
Topic:  Thank You and Good Bye

Some of the most exciting times of my life as a pastor and speaker are the chances I have to rub shoulders with new people. No matter where I travel, what restaurant I eat at, or which store I shop in, I’m constantly looking for new people to meet and talk with. And it’s not because I have some religious agenda either. (In fact, I shy away from telling people I’m a pastor most of the time because it tends to put an awkward spin on the conversation…)

One of the reasons I love to meet new people is that there are so many different viewpoints on life out there. When I connect with someone new, I never know what I’m going to learn or what angle they’re going to have in life. It’s something that keeps me on my toes and helps me experience a new degree of life.

This blog/discussion/panel thing has been one of those great opportunities. I love it that five different (extremely at times) viewpoints can come together in one place to discuss topics that affect millions of people every day.

So to the other writers, thank you. Your viewpoints have challenged me at times and encouraged me at others.

And to the readers, thank you as well. You have given me the opportunity once again to share the fact that God has an amazing life in store for you! And when it comes to dating, as with anything else in that amazing life, it’s good to continually look for guidance. This forum has given you that opportunity.

But I want to encourage you one last time not to stop here. Don’t just take the opinions of five people and base your life and relationships on that. After all, we are just that…people. Instead, look for guidance from the One who has everything in his hands. Because when you turn to God, you will find that he is the One to take you exactly where you need to go.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
       and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge him,
       and he will make your paths straight.

                                                            Proverbs 3:5-6

How Far Will It Go?

Posted by: Ed Young
Topic: Flirting with others when you’re in an exclusive relationship—how much is O.K., and why?

Flirting…..it is fun and seems so harmless. But how far will it go? If you are in an exclusive relationship, it should be reserved for your exclusive partner. So much of our behavior, including flirting, in our dating relationship is magnified in our marriage.  That is one more reason to date carefully and watch closely beyond the eyes of infatuation.   

Now, I define flirting as any type of teasing or friendly contact that is done with underlying tones of sexual interest.  I came up with that on my own, so don’t think for a second that it is scientific.  It is just my take on it.  But why take my definition to heart?  Let’s check out some definitions from the experts.

MacMillan - “to act romantic in a playful way”

Miriam Webster (2000) - “to behave amorously without serious intent”

I grabbed one other dictionary off the shelf that gives a surprising definition.  It is the Thorndike-Barnhart 1968 edition that belonged to my wife.  This definition reads:  “making love without meaning it.” 

I don’t know about you, but isn’t it amazing how far 32 years of gradualism can take us! There is a definite chasm between these definitions.

If you’re really curious and want to go a step further in defining “flirting,” then check out the Urban Dictionary at UrbanDictionary.com and prepare to be amused! 

Let’s get back to the real issue of whether it is ok to flirt with someone other than your exclusive. According to these definitions and even getting back to mine, I would suggest that it is a dangerous thing to contemplate where this will take you.  Harmless flirting…isn’t that an oxymoron?  Anyone who doubts this should sit across the table from couples as I have and hear the countless stories of broken marriages, hurt feelings and fragmented families that emerged from “harmless flirting.”  Oh, you can be sure that other things were to blame as well, but flirting is a giant step away from the parameters of that sacred relationship.  Flirting is definitely a step toward the “edge and the ledge” of promiscuity.  It only takes a step at a time, or rather a few stupid moves, to get you in a very dangerous place as far as your relationship is concerned. 

I would like to offer some guidelines that I have incorporated into my life and into my marriage to keep me far away from the “edge and the ledge” of adultery or even the hint of adultery.  You may think these are a little stiff or old fashioned, but I can tell you that I take them very seriously because I am committed to being faithful to my wife. And I’m not willing to allow anything to damage what we have together.

Here are my personal 10 Commandments of Purity:

1. I will put no other human relationship before Lisa.
2. I will remember our date night and keep it holy.
3. I will honor Lisa on anniversaries and special days so that I may live long in the land the Lord has given me.
4. I will not take the covenant of marriage in vain by being apathetic.
5. I will not ride in a car or eat in a restaurant alone with a member of the opposite sex. (For some, this may be unavoidable because of work but I strongly encourage this practice to be the exception rather than the rule.  If you are single, you could adapt this one to say, “I will be careful about who I spend time alone with outside of the person I’m dating.”)
6. I will not travel alone (Again, I am at liberty to take Lisa or another staff member with me.  If you travel alone, stick to boundaries that you and your mate establish).
7. I will not counsel a woman with the doors closed.
8. I will not share the intimate details of our marriage with others so that the trust between us isn’t violated.
9. I will not watch, read, or expose myself to sexually explicit shows, books, DVDs, etc.
10. I will remember the implications of breaking this covenant and commandment before God and the effects it will have on my relationship with my wife and my children.

Take these and make them your own with as little adaptation as possible.  I can’t stress enough the danger in not establishing boundaries for your relationship which should include what constitutes flirting.  Don’t be fooled by “harmless flirting” because you never know “how far it will go”!

Together Again

Posted by: Ed Young
Topic: A recent Penn State study found American married couples are spending more and more time apart (separate hobbies, vacations). Will this practice keep couples together or drive them apart?

Right now I am preparing to leave for a 6 day fishing trip with my son. He and I try to get away once or twice a year to do a little saltwater fly fishing as far away from humanity as possible (my thoughts are that the largest and wildest fish are in the most remote places). It is something we both enjoy and the time together is so valuable. Lisa has yet to join us in these endeavors. Although she does enjoy a little fishing in local lakes and ponds, she just isn’t in to fly fishing (yet!). 

As I prepare to depart, I am well aware of the fact that Lisa is going to savor her time alone with our girls and then, as she sends them off to camp, will enjoy a few days of total solace.  After all, who doesn’t love to have their own space? It’s one of those things that helps us keep our sanity!  But I also look forward to the time when Lisa and I will be together again.

Lisa and I have a wonderful life together and share so many common interests. One of the biggest interests is keeping our marriage a priority. This is so important to us (and to God) that we’ve written a book, The Creative Marriage, to help couples get this down. One thing that helps us keep our relationship a priority is a regular date night. Whatever hectic pace we are keeping throughout the week, I know that on Thursday night I can count on a great date with my wife. Our schedules can be largely independent of one another, but we will never allow these independent endeavors to keep us apart for too long. We like to think of date night as an Oasis in the middle of the week that brings us refreshment and rejuvenation! It’s our time to come together again.

The danger that couples face in this world we live in is that so many things get in the way of the most important thing, the marriage relationship.  So many activities (work, kids, travel, sports, technology) crowd our lives. And without realizing it, we drift away from that which created the relationship in the first place. Let’s face it, when you’re dating someone, you don’t call them up to say, “Let’s get together—you go to dinner with the girls and I will hang out with the guys.”  That just doesn’t make sense! It doesn’t make sense in a marriage either. You do things together! 

I remember going to the beach as a kid.  My brother and I would paddle out in our little rubber raft and wait for the best wave. Inevitably, as we waited, the ocean’s current would carry us and we would drift away from our point of entry on the beach.  We would ride a wave in and then have to trek back down the beach to where we belonged. 

Too often, relationships end up far away from where they need to be. Without realizing it, there is an unhealthy drift from the joys of being together. Couples who find themselves drifting more and more into “independence” oblivion need to one thing—get out of the water and make that trek back to where they were at the beginning. 

Space is important, but in a relationship (and especially in a marriage) it is also vital to have plenty of time together to experience the fullness of life.  I value the time that Lisa and I have together because I know that we can laugh, cry, get angry, and be motivated through the experiences we share. Remember, a successful relationship is all about balance, respect and the commitment to share life together!

Relational Risks

Posted by: Ed Young
Topic: Relationships

One of our greatest fears is the fear of loneliness. We all dread it because we are, at heart, relational creatures. Loneliness is not a natural thing so we like to steer clear of it at every turn. But even in the midst of people, and sometimes especially there, our loneliness is magnified. When we find ourselves in a crowded restaurant or a crowded church, looking at people connecting and interacting, we feel relationally ripped off, like the have-nots looking at the haves. What does it take to combat loneliness, to feel connected in what often feels like a disconnected world?

We live around constant commotion and activity, often serving as a kind of security blanket against the realization of our need for relational connection. Technology promises greater connection but often promises a lot and delivers very little. Our interaction with technology in place of humans actually encourages the very thing we fear most: a life of isolation from meaningful relational contact.

What am I getting at? Basically, it takes a lot of effort these days to establish and maintain meaningful relationships. You have to take regular relational risks.

I have moved around many times in my life. From Canton, North Carolina to Taylor, South Carolina to Columbia, SC to Houston, TX to Tallahassee, Florida back to Houston and from there to Dallas where I have lived with my family for the past seventeen years. Awhile back I was thinking about the relationships I had developed over the years and I realized that the common thread in all of them was that I had taken the initiative in almost all of them. I have taken regular relational risks. I knew that if I was going to have deep friendships, I had to show myself friendly. More than that, I had to be vulnerable with those I wanted to develop deeper relationships with.

Take a relational risk today. Go up to that person at work you’ve been wanting to talk to for a long time and introduce yourself. Get up the nerve to ask that guy or girl you’ve been secretly interested in out for a cup of coffee. Don’t wait for relationships to come to you—take the initiative and see where it leads.

Making Sense of Love

Posted by:  Ed Young
Topic:  There’s an old saying: Men fall in love with their eyes, women with their ears. Any truth to it?

I really believe that men fall in lust with their eyes rather than in love with their eyes. Perhaps men are attracted to women first with their eyes but ideally it is through many other senses and experiences that cause them to fall in love.  No doubt, guys are visual and too often rely heavily on the physical attraction and mistake this with love. Most guys struggle with the meat market mentality and find it a challenge to carry on a conversation with a woman with complete eye contact. They prefer complete eye to chest contact (just my opinion)! Let’s face it, the eyes are unreliable and fail to show what truly makes the person attractive. That is why it is so important to date for an extended period of time.  Give yourself plenty of time to see them at their best and worst.

Women are so very multi-sensory that I don’t think they fall in love with just their ears. They are generally given to feel strongly about someone because of their looks, personality, socio-economic status, contribution to society, and humor, just to name a few. I suppose that women are swayed greatly by what they hear from a guy and often lose something in translation. They have a tendency to read more into the words that a man will speak. Let’s face it, men aren’t as deep as women give them credit. Their words just aren’t as layered with cryptic meaning as the girl might assume. A simple statement like “it’s been fun hanging out with you” might be translated by their girlfriend as “I would like to hang out with you for the rest of my life”. Whoa, where did that come from? That was the farthest thing from the guy’s mind and, yet, somehow that is what was translated. It probably boils down to the emotional intricacy of women and their feelings-driven mentality. This can be the best part of the woman’s make up but it can often be the worst.

Elisabeth Barrett Browning wrote in one of her most famous love poems: “Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be.” Put this in a “physical” perspective. If love is about the eyes or ears then this statement can’t be true. As we age we grow more and more wrinkled, gravity takes its toll and typically our hearing and eyesight diminish. That certainly doesn’t constitute “the best.” Just know that love is far deeper than the eyes or ears and, if limited to these two senses, the best part will certainly be missed!

Mark It On Your Heart

Posted by: Ed Young
Topic:  Singer Amy Winehouse was recently seen scratching her new husband’s name into her skin. Where do you think the line between “crazy in love” and just plain crazy lies?

OK, so I didn’t know exactly who Amy Winehouse is and what she does! It took a quick google search but I’m up to speed now! I don’t know if I could have lived another day without knowing about Amy! Sorry for the sarcasm. The search resulted in a nice article about her recent nuptials in Miami (there is a great church there that I can recommend…Fellowship Church Miami) and made reference to her on-again, off-again priors with one Blake Fielder-Civil. Anyway, I don’t know a lot about the couple but at first glance I’d say that cutting, tattooing, or perhaps using a Sharpie to imprint Blake’s name isn’t too bright. It is doubtful that there is anything “permanent” about this marriage but there surely is a lot of “crazy” in it. Seriously, cutting your body as a thing of reflection or honor for someone is “just plain crazy”! Excuse me, cutting your body for anything other than lifesaving surgery is whack in my book. 

I could analyze Winehouse and Fielder-Civil’s relationship and give plenty of reasons why she not only shouldn’t be cutting his name on her body but also how they need to reevaluate their lives so that their marriage can work. I somehow doubt that they care (they seem a little rebellious so any advice may fall on deaf ears), and I am confident that there isn’t enough time or space on a page for the real deal to be addressed. God bless Amy and Blake. They desperately need it.

On the more normal rite of passage of being crazy in love, there are stages of love we all go through in any relationship. The infatuation stage is when we say we’re “falling in love. It’s also when we say, “love is blind” and in this case when we are, “crazy in love.” We do and say crazy things to show our devotion to someone. They are things we will later look back on and wonder why in the world we did or said that. It’s also during this time that we often overlook faults in the other person, things that can later drive us crazy. The things that draw us together during this stage (this is when opposites attract) can be the very things that push us apart later on if we’re not careful.

Over time, though, we begin to settle in to the relationship, the hormones stop raging as much as they used to, and we can see things a little more clearly. By the way, this is again why I recommend a year or more of dating so you can get beyond the “crazy in love” stage. The settling in stage is when no amount of skin scratching or tattooing or any other crazy declaration of our love can substitute for a deep down commitment to making it work no matter what. The true test of love is not how deeply we’ve marked our lover’s name on our skin; it is how deeply we have marked it on our heart.

The 1st Impression, All Over Again

Posted by: Ed Young
Topic: Dating

Whether it’s speed dating, traditional dating, blind dating, or even online dating, everyone and everything say the same thing. Short term or lifelong, fast-paced or taking it slow, you’ve got to put your best foot forward right out of the gate if you want to continue down any sort of relational path. So much pressure and emphasis is placed on making that good first impression. After all, who wants to date someone who can’t present themselves in a good light, at least on the first try?

Now, you might be thinking that I’m saying there’s something wrong with that; that putting your best foot forward is wrong because it doesn’t show who you really are. That’s not what I’m saying at all. A good first impression is extremely important. But why stop there? What about that third impression? The fourth? Or even the 44th?

I truly believe that making a good impression, and continuing that good impression, is vital to any successful relationship. That doesn’t mean that you will appear perfect 100% of the time. It doesn’t mean that you can’t “keep it real” or let your guard down. It doesn’t even mean that the person you’re dating won’t ever see your bad side. What I’m talking about is continuing to give your best effort in the relationship you're in (or will soon be in).

The Bible tells us that everything we do, say, touch and feel is an act of worship. So what we do with and to our bodies, minds and souls reflects our response to the gift of life God has given us. And that reflection is played out in part by how we present ourselves to other people—in particular the person we’re dating (and may eventually marry).

So don’t stop with the first impression. Continue that good impression by putting effort and energy into your relationship. Be creative in what you do. Be spontaneous in showing your affection. And work hard at maintaining your relationship. Because what you did to start your relationship is what it takes to keep it going.

Love to Be Loved

Posted by:  Ed Young
Topic:  Are some people unlovable? What would you say to a person who has been trying and trying to forge a relationship yet is still completely alone?

This is a tough one. I don’t believe anyone is truly unlovable; but I think there are people who make themselves unlovable with their attitudes and actions. They have engaged in negative self-talk for so many years and have convinced themselves that no one is capable of loving them unconditionally. That may be because of family of origin issues, social stigmas while growing up, maybe moving around a lot and not fitting in, or insecurity about their physical appearance (or a host of other factors). The bottom line, though, is that they have internalized one or more of these factors to a degree that they project an air of “unlovableness” to the people around them.

This is a topic worthy of an entire book, but three quick things I’d say to a person who thinks they are unlovable. One, redirect your thoughts. Ask God to help you turn off the negative thoughts inside your head. Turn off the old recordings in your head that are pulling you down and projecting an “unlovable” image to others. What you think of yourself is a huge part of what others will ultimately think of you. To quote a popular passage of Scripture: “be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” I would recommend seeking out a good Christian counselor to help with this process.

Two, engage yourself in the lives of others. When I’m involved in serving others, I see that it’s not about me. It’s about making a difference in the world around you, whether in the local church, in the neighborhood, at the office, or school, or wherever you find yourself. And a byproduct of that is the reality that people are attracted to those who put others above themselves. That’s not the reason we serve others, but it is a natural result of a lifestyle of giving. In other words, you have to love others to be loved by others. The happiest, most fulfilled and least lonely people I know are those who regularly give of their time and resources to others.

Three, see yourself the way God sees you. I’ve written a book called You! The Journey to the Center of Your Worth, and in it I outline what it means to view yourself through God’s eyes. You may have doubts about God or what to believe about him, but I believe wholeheartedly that He is crazy about you and loves you more than you can possibly know. None of us are really unlovable, because there is One person who loves each of us equally and without reservation. And accepting His love shines a whole new light on our search to love and be loved.

A Family Affair

Posted by:  Ed Young
Topic:   Dating when you’re a parent – what is the one key move to make…and the one to avoid?

Dating is such an adventure if you’re single and alone (no kids).There are so many things that you have to consider and roadblocks and road signs to look for.Throw a few kids into the mix and the considerations just multiply exponentially. If you’re a parent, you’re not the only one hooking up in the relationship. You’re also signing up the children and taking them into new territory. A conscientious parent dates wisely for him or herself and for the sake of the kids. Just imagine the dating roller coaster that anyone experiences. You wonder about the connection and if he likes you or she likes you. That is the easy part when you’re a dating parent. Dating as a parent means you have to look beyond the relationship that you have and see what it means for your children.

All too often I’ve seen parents date with total disregard to how it involves their children. My advice to them is to think past themselves and their feelings and think about the impact of this relationship on the family. You may be saying, “Wait a minute, this is casual and we just aren’t that serious.” Well, hold on. Many times what is casual or insignificant to you, the parent, is a big deal to the child. I would advise you to take seriously any potential dates because they could be potential mates! Consider a few things for me….well, not for me, but rather for you and your kids. Before you hook up with someone, think about the qualities in an individual that you want to influence your children. Does the person you’re dating respect you? And does he or she look past the “chemistry” piece to the commitment piece? Whoever you’re with is ultimately with your kids even if they haven’t had a personal introduction. You may just be seeing them casually but they are infiltrating your life and ultimately influencing you in some way. This has an affect on the kids vicariously through you. Just be cautious because there is a lot at stake with the children’s feelings.

And, speaking of their feelings, be careful how quickly you bring someone home for that personal introduction. Children, especially younger children, don’t know how to process a new person that holds this relational position. They’re just not sure where the date fits in and what role they will play in the family dynamic. A lot of times, the hopes of the kids rise at the possibility of having a father or mother figure coming into the picture. In contrast, there is the other end of the spectrum where the child becomes angry because this substitute is here to take the place of their real mom or dad. Any way you look at it there are some serious feelings and emotions to balance. Live your life and pursue those dating relationships as the opportunities arise, but don’t forget that it's a family affair.

We've Still Got It

Posted by: Ed Young
Topic:  Marriage

My wife Lisa and I celebrated our 25th Wedding Anniversary this week. And you know what, we’ve still got it! Lisa’s not just my wife and the mother of our four children; she’s the love of my life and my best friend. That started long before we were married. We were high school sweethearts and dated for six years before we were married. The great marriage we have today began with the foundation we built while we were dating. We had lots of time to get to know each other, to hang out with each other’s family and friends, and to build a deep relationship that has stood the test of time. Our marriage isn’t perfect. Basically, we’re two flawed people who gave our hearts to each other and committed to make a life together.

We’ve been traveling for the past week going to various speaking engagements and have jumped through more time zones than I can remember at this point. So we celebrated our anniversary on the road together. It was a great reminder that marriage is a journey and, to make it last, you’ve got to take it together. I know that sound simplistic, but I think what happens with so many couples is their paths diverge. They stop traveling together down the road of life, they lose touch with each other, they lose their common interests, and then wake up one day wondering who this person is they’re married to. That’s a sad state. I’m so thankful for Lisa, for the bond we share, for the road we’ve traveled together and continue to travel. By God’s grace, we’ve had a pretty good ride so far and I can’t wait to see what’s around the next corner.