The Great Mate Debate

going toward the light

Posted by: Dr. Helen Fisher
Topic: What's the best holiday gift you ever got from a romantic partner - and why?

I simply can’t think of the best holiday present I have ever gotten from a romantic partner. I am stuck! Generally I can get on some kind of riff, but not tonight. I have gotten some lovely things. Certainly one was an incredibly taylored long sheep skin coat that was warm beyond belief, and sexy and fashionable, and just the right color. I wore it for years. Another was a record player at a time when I really needed one. But these are so trivial. I haven’t had the traumas at Christmas that other’s have had; hearing that my sweetheart was coming home from active duty in a war, for example. My gifts have all been creature comforts or lovely jewelry; happiness for me, but not much of a story.

So: of more interest to me is that tomorrow is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. I always celebrate the Solstice, as men and women probably did 5,000 years ago, 25,000 years ago, even 250,000 years ago--the darkest day of the year and the return of the light. I hope this year more people will see the light, go towards the light and make some enlightened choices—a gift every one of us can give to one another on this gorgeous planet we share.

The Human Way

Posted by: Dr. Helen Fisher
Topic: What’s the best thing about being single during the holidays…and the best thing about being coupled up over the holidays?

The best things about being single during the holidays, and by single I mean unattached, is that you can do exactly as you please. You can hang with your friends, linger with your relatives, and go to parties--without having to worry about how a partner is coping with your mother, your best friend, or your business colleagues. And you don’t have to face that awful situation of NOT inviting your partner to various events. But being a couple has tremendous joys—particularly all the little traditions you have built (or are building) together: buying a Christmas tree and trimming it, reading “A Christmas Carol” together, cooking festive meals together, romping together in the streets, with mutual friends and relatives, or just talking alone by the fire.
Christmas (and I have to speak about Christmas because it is the mid winter holiday that I grew up with) can be very difficult, though. Single or as a couple, many people leave their daily lives behind to celebrate with people they don’t know terribly well any more. Many of us become nostalgic as we reminisce. And at these pivotal times, we notice what we have not achieved as well as what we have accomplished. But that’s life. And having been single for many a Christmas, as well as with a partner, I prefer having someone to squeeze as I smell the tree and watch the twinkling lights. That’s the human way.

Live chat on Sex, Love, Lies and 21st century romamce

Is casual sex really casual? What is love at first sight? How can you make love last? Do gays love just the way straights do? If you would like to chat with me, I will be "on line" this Sunday evening for an hour, live. And I would love to respond to your questions and your comments about sex, love, lies and 21st century romance. To link in to the live chat, just go to the Chemistry.com home page and click on the link: “Chat live with Dr. Helen Fisher” at 7 pm Eastern Time, 4 pm Pacific Time. I’ll be there, and I’d love to share ideas with you. Happy weekend, Helen.

Single doesn't mean "alone."

Posted by: Dr. Helen Fisher
Topic: Speaking from personal experience, what are the three best things about being single?

What an original question--the three best things about being single. Just a bit of background, first. Foremost, I have been single most of my life, by choice. Writing books has got to be the most time-consuming job on earth, at least the kind of books I write. And as I didn’t seem to ever have the urge to have children, and felt that the world was full of children and it didn’t need my children, I thought my time would be better spent pursuing an understanding of human nature. So I have chosen to read and write for a living and live with my partners, rather than marry. In short, these days single doesn’t necessarily mean “alone.” But I certainly have had periods of being without a live-in partner. And the three best things about these interludes have been very simple: First, getting up and going straight out into Central Park to take my morning jog, often in the dark. The park is a wonderland in the early morning, with the mist, the robins in the spring, sometimes I even see a raccoon. Second, making my evening plans without consulting someone. Third, enjoying my evening without worrying about getting home “on time.” But I also like working late without feeling guilty, eating dinner exactly when I wish, and taking off to do exactly what I want, with whom I want, when I want. In hunting and gathering societies, a husband and wife do not see one another all the time. One or the other often visits relatives or friends for days or even weeks. Our modern focus on being a couple and doing “couple things” is new. I like this focus, but there is something thrilling about varying the pace of life. And when I am truly single, I step to quite a different tune.

that chemical zing

Posted by: Dr. Helen Fisher
Topic: Do you think you can really and truly "feel" chemistry via email?

Yes, I think you can really and truly feel “chemistry” through email. The brain system for romantic love can be triggered by looking at a photograph, by hearing a voice, or by reading a letter, too--easily. We can fall in love with people we have never met. Take the teenager, for example, who falls in love with a rock star. In fact, I think email is a fine way to generate that magic. The trouble comes when you meet the person you have been writing. Looks count. As we grow up we build an unconscious list of things we are looking for in a mate, what I call your “love map” and what some other academics call your Ideal Mate Personality Concept. And if you meet someone who doesn’t fit within that template, you have a very difficult time adjusting to their looks and manner. Moreover, when you meet someone in person, you suddenly receive an awful lot of other new information that email can’t convey, like their smell, the sound of their words, their energy level, their social style, their degree of spontaneity or caution, and hundreds of other stimuli. So I think it is a good idea to move beyond email as fast as possible so that you can see if you are expending your precious metabolic energy on the love of your life or a Darwinian dead end.

Mate poaching

Posted by: Dr. Helen Fisher
Topic: Recently some schools banned hugging and “extreme displays of public affection” – what impact do you think this will have on kids and teens, as they become adults?

I don’t think a ban on “extreme displays of public affection” are going to have any negative impact on kids and teens as they grow up. But it may have an immediate effect. Social barriers intensify feelings of romantic love, what I call “frustration attraction.” When we can’t get what we want, we want it harder. There is brain physiology to this response. When the brain’s “reward system,” (associated with focused attention, motivation, wanting and craving), does NOT get what it wants, it just sustains its activity. It’s nature’s way of driving us to seek our goals. So strictures on public hugging will simply motivate partners to seek more.

But it’s interesting that these young men and women WANT to express extreme affection in public. One of the hallmarks of humankind is that we have sex in private. Our closest relatives, chimpanzees and gorillas, copulate in public. Chimps sometimes go “on safari,” departing from the group to have sex in the forest by themselves. But sex is largely a public act. Anthropologists have long speculated on why humans deviate from this general mammalian pattern. Among the hypotheses, public displays of affection do more than just assuage one’s craving; they signal to all who watch that you are sexual and in love. The problem with this signaling is that others may want a bit of the action for themselves. Sex and love are nature’s finest gifts. So “mate poaching” is extremely common. Like those who wave their money around in public, those who display their sexuality must be willing to defend it. Not such a good tactic on a playground.

Animals don't have time to "date."

Posted by: Dr. Helen Fisher
Topic: Do you believe in love at first sight? Have you experienced it – and was it “the real thing” or lust? 

Love at first sight comes out of nature. Sex is time-consuming, dangerous and metabolically expensive. So there isn’t a mammal on this planet that becomes “attracted” to anyone who comes along. If a suitor is too old, too young, too scruffy or otherwise unacceptable, they ignore the offer or dash away. Animals don’t have time to “date.” So when the breeding season or their period of fertility begins, they either reject a suitor almost immediately or they express genuine attraction, the forerunner of love at first sight, and begin breeding fast.

I think we inherited this brain response for attraction at first sight. Poetry from many cultures mentions it. And in one study, some 10% of the population had experienced this sudden and compelling rush of attraction. But I suspect men have this experience more regularly than women, because men are more visual, and because men have less to lose if they fall in love instantly: they won’t bear the child. But both sexes are built to fall in love rapidly—and begin the mating process.

Is it lust or love? That depends. These are different feelings and different brain systems, but the sex drive and romantic love can overlap and trigger one another. However, romantic love is far more powerful than the sex drive. If you have truly fallen madly in love at first sight, you want much more than sex from this mysterious “other.” You want ALL of him or her.

my wish list

Posted by: Dr. Helen Fisher
Topic: What three things do you think are vital to an amazing relationship?

Wow, it certainly depends. Some people want a help-mate, someone who will build a family and share their moral code. Others want a soul-mate, someone with whom they can share their deepest needs and feelings. Others seek a mind-mate, someone with whom they can exchange ideas and fulfill their ambitions. And some want a play-mate, someone who will go adventuring with them, either intellectually or physically. And this is just the beginning. In early childhood we each begin to build a “love map,” a largely unconscious list of what we are looking for in a partner. And this template of one’s ‘ideal type’ varies dramatically from one person to the next.

But what three things do I feel are vital for myself? Well, foremost, someone who is wildly curious about many things and shares his information and ideas with me; someone who wants to ‘make love’ and share emotional intimacy with me regularly; and someone who is well adjusted and makes me laugh around the clock. …..but that’s just the beginning. I’m not very good with stubborn people, so I would like to add flexibility. Angry people, self important people, and dour people leave me cold. And I would like a man who knows how to dance. Well, I could go on and on. But that starts my wish list. I wonder what yours is? Which makes me think we should ask the members of Chemistry.com this question.

But I do know this: today most men and women are looking for a companion; “peer” marriages are in style. We are returning to a pattern of equality between the sexes that evolved on the grasslands millions of years ago, one that is natural and healthy for both women and men.

The porous "self"

Posted by: Dr. Helen Fisher
Topic: So many people are using technology to capture their lives – from camera phones to YouTube, MySpace, and Facebook – that the idea of living a “private life” is changing. What impact do you think this will have on relationships in the future?

When you are in love with someone you generally wants to merge entirely with him or her. Milton expressed this perfectly in Paradise Lost when Adam says to Eve, “We are one,/ One flesh; to lose thee were to lose myself." Secrets are distancing. But when you reveal too much in a very public place, such as Youtube or My Space, you risk showing sides of yourself that may backfire in the future, jeopardizing a friendship, a love affair, a marriage, or even a career. So we walk a fine line between what we reveal and what we keep to ourselves.

That said, the concept of living a “private life” is new in human history. For millions of years our forebears traveled in little hunting and gathering bands and everyone knew just about everything about everybody else. So this current impulse to share our lives is far more natural than the inclination for privacy.

Which reminds me of the moment I came to realize how uncommon the “private life” really is. I had been invited to be a speaker on a “Discovery Cruise” through Indonesia, hosted by the American Museum of Natural History in New York. For three weeks I was obliged to live in a tiny room on the ship, with someone I had never met, and travel continually in a group of some 150 people. As I live alone and work alone, I was bracing myself. But I quickly merged into the group. And when I returned to my apartment, I suddenly realized that I had been on a remarkable vacation—from Helen, from “self.” As part of the group, I had not had time to engage in my continual internal dialogue.

So although I enjoy living my “private life,” I don’t think that this is necessarily natural. And I don’t think that sharing one’s “self ” will have any monumental impact on most relationships of tomorrow.

"emotional containment"

Posted by: Dr. Helen Fisher
Topic: Why do men hate it when women ask, “What are you thinking…?”?

I am not entirely sure why men hate it when women ask “what are you thinking.” I used to do that quite a bit, actually, and I never really got anyone to answer. But my twin sister and I have asked one another this question since we were small children. We used to have a game called “now.” And when I said “now,” she would have to answer; and vice versa. We liked the game because we often found that when we were asked, we discovered that we were really thinking of about 5 things at once! It was fun.

But I think men feel invaded. Men are, by and large, more “emotionally contained” than women are. As testosterone floods the brain in teenage, they begin to use “joke-speak,” masking their real emotions with humor. I have long thought that men’s emotional containment (which is found in many cultures) evolved millions of years ago on the grasslands of Africa, where men were obliged to do a lot of aggressive tasks. It’s not really adaptive to feel empathy while slitting the throat of a baby gazelle, for example, or while raiding an enemy camp for food or territory. So men evolved the ability to contain their feelings, sometimes even from themselves!

So they are not as comfortable sharing their intimate world because they feel their words might backfire on them. Men also suffer more from “emotional flooding.” When they get angry or sad they are more likely to lose control and go beyond what they regard as appropriate. So I don’t think men (on average) are as comfortable delving into their emotions, or women’s emotions; and when asked what they are thinking, they feel they are on unsteady turf, where they may lose our respect or love. I suspect they have no idea how much we love them and that this question is often just due to our curiosity about who they are.