The Great Mate Debate

Topic: Speed-dating: A little like entering the great wild?
Posted by: Aly Walansky

A friend and I (actually the friend I wrote about last week), decided to try our luck at the mystical world that is speed-dating last night.

If any of you are unfamiliar (and missed the Sex and the City episode devoted to it), you take turns telling the person across the table all the meaningful details about yourself, hoping that (if they are not too terribly strange) you might click enough to want to have a full date. You’ve got 3 minutes. Then a gong shrills, and your next date appears. Repeat. 40 times. If you are lucky, you may get a pee break.

We are talking serious marathon dating.

In the SATC plot, Miranda didn’t do well at all. Many people don’t - and then you ask yourself, do you really want to put yourself through 40 bad dates in one evening? Isn’t ONE enough?

As anyone who’s ever been single knows … when it rains it pours. Raining men, that is! We’ve all been there, suffering through a long dry spell - and then all at once, the heavens open up and send us a downpour of bow-wrapped manhood! You meet several hot dating prospects within a couple of weeks and have to juggle a bunch of guys at once. That is exactly what the scene is at speed dating, except it’s all blind dates, and you are obligated to be nice (for 3 minutes), before moving on.

Depending on the locale (I ended up at a downtown lounge complete with video arcades, stiff drinks and free Cosi on premesis), participants take their seats on sofas or long narrow bar tables. When the gong blows, your first 3-minute date has begun. The gong will blow every three minutes and the men get up and move to the next date. If you like the guy you’re talking to, you write his name on your score card and circle ‘Yes’. If you don’t want to see him again, you circle ‘No’. When the event is over, you enter in your own responses on the website. Everyone’s Yes’s and No’s are calculated, and if you “match” with a guy – meaning you said yes to him and he said yes to you, you receive each other’s email addresses. The next step is up to you! Very often the event will be centered around certain age groups or fields (say, creative people).

Sounds great, in theory - but all just a little intense for the average shy single. And so, the next day, it all seems a little like a whirlwind - friends attending together, one disappointed because the other got more matches than she did, and the girl who got lots of matches feeling somewhat confused...honestly not able to at this point pinpoint one guy against the other in her memory's annals.

So, I was wondering, what all of you thought of this dating "method". Is there a way to best make it work for you?

Topic: What advice would you give a friend looking to find love in 2008?
Posted by: Aly Walansky

I think my advice is to stop trying.
That sounds awfully defeatest for a relationship blog, but the point is that as long as you run around looking for love ("in all the wrong places"), it's going to elude you.

I have a friend who has been on the prowl as long as I know her. She goes to bars for the specific purpose of meeting her future husband. Halfway through her second drink, she grows morose that no one is talking to her and begins to grow bitter, angry, and jaded, followed by teary. This happens just about every time we are out, and I'm pretty sure is the reason she's still on the prowl.

Sad thing is, she's an awesome girl that when she's not on a mission, is fun to talk to, and easy to approach. But who wants to deal with *that* pressure?

Relationships and love take (and deserve) work. But meeting people is the fun part. Just have fun, be yourself, and let it happen.

Posted by: Aly Walansky
Topic: What’s the best holiday gift you ever got from a romantic partner – and why?


This week's topic calls on the best gift you ever got from a romantic partner - but I feel inclined to do a bit of a spin on it. What is the *worst* gift you've ever gotten?

Whether it's signing a card "love always" and receiving one that says "from", or giving something personal and heartfelt and receiving pruning shears (when you lack a garden), a gift's significance can play a big role in your relationship's significance.

Shallow much? Not really. It's not a question of a gift's monetary value, or even what the object is - but it permeates understanding of each other on a level that should exist within a relationship.

Last year, a good friend was dating her current boyfriend for just over a month when he got her a wii. She was overwhelmed. It was soon for that sort of gift - but at the same time, it showed that she was significant. She, thinking he was a new guy, and not wanting to scare him away had gotten him something small and impersonal. Again, gift significance.

It's not necessary to spend a lot or buy a lot or receive a lot - but pay attention to what you get, and how it's presented. It can say a lot about where your future may be headed.

Topic: A recent study says that we can correctly figure out what a stranger is thinking 20% of the time…and what a romantic partner is thinking 35% of the time. In your opinion, what does that indicate about how well we know our mates?
Posted by: Aly Walansky

I guess this is a matter of half-full/half-empty...an interesting question would be what percentage of the time do we correctly understand ourselves and our own thoughts?

Not nearly all the time. In fact, maybe not even half. This makes the 35% sound pretty darn sweet.

In all seriousness, we can be in a relationship over a course of years, and often still feel not entirely connected - and it's sometimes, I think, based on my initial thought - that we really aren't comfortably connected to ourselves. How can we get anyone else?

I do call into question the guessing 20% of the time correctly about strangers. How can that *possibly* be true?

Topic: What’s the best thing about being single during the holidays…and the best thing about being coupled up over the holidays?
Posted by: Aly Walansky

I feel like I touched on a lot of this last week, so my answer doesn't very much change - being single over the holidays is hard. But it's also freeing.

For instance, as a member of the media, I'm invited to tons of holiday events this time of year. And the lack of a date means often bringing my girl friends - which is fun in its own way, but sort of makes us stick out as the sad single lot.

Are we sad? Well,not exactly. And singleness means being able to stay as long as you want, and act as silly as you want, and not get a talk the next day. It means making choices and plans based on your schedule - and not having to coordinate with the boyfriend's job/plans/friends.

Yeah, I'm reaching. It sucks. Especially when NYE rolls around, and you're hugging your buds after they are done making out with their date. And you are just wishing for your fate to be changed by Valentines Day. Cause that'd be even worse.

Well, if you are single, you get to meet someone under the mistletoe. And that's a hot story to tell. Of course, if you had someone to kiss under the mistletoe in the first place, well, that'd be far hotter...

Posted by: Aly Walansky

Topic: Speaking from personal experience, what are the three best things about being single?

It's super hard not to give in to the temptation to make this a negative post, because, let's face it - being single sort of can suck at times. It's the events you feel like a sore thumb at because you don't have a date and all your single-guy-friends were busy. It's the Valentines Days and New Years Eve that you spent home with your dog. It's the sitting around with their girlfriends, as they talk about their miserable relationships, and finding yourself JEALOUS.

Yes, being single can suck. It's why a lot of people stay in bad relationships. I have a friend who has broken up with her boyfriend more times this year alone than I've gone shoe shopping. (Um, that's a lot.) They are still together. Are they happy? I don't think so. But when push comes to shove, they both fear the alternative.

That's not to say this is a healthy way of living. To love oneself, and be happy with oneself is paramount before being happy with anyone else. We all claim to know this, and appreciate this. Yet, we keep on finding excuses to ignore this and be sad that we are alone. Sad we have no one to cuddle with or smooch with or just feel in sync with.

But, guess what? It's times like that that we must remind ourselves of all the awesome things about our lives:

1 - Single people don't have to "check" with their other half about plans. They want to do something, they make a plan. No one else's schedule matters.
2 - Want to not shave your legs? Feel like leaving the bed unmade? Well, chances are no one will see it, it doesn't matter!  (Note, this is not an excuse for forgoing hygiene. Then you will just *stay* single.)
3 - Loving yourself! Date yourself for a bit! Take yourself out to dinner, watch TV, listen to the music you want - get to know yourself and what you like so you'll know what you want and need and like before you STOP being single.

This list is hard to make. As a single, I am trained to not want to be single, and thus, shun all the "good" things about it. But they are out there - and the sooner you remind yourself of that, the less likely you are to jump into (or back into) the next crappy relationship.

Posted by: Aly Walansky
Topic: Do you think you can really and truly "feel" chemistry via email?

This one is super easy for me -- of course you can feel chemistry via email!

Suave as we may attempt to appear, the truth is, most of us are still the same shy guys and gals we were in grade school. Initial meetings and conversations are hard: We get hung up on our looks, their looks, body language, our breath, their breath, whether they will judge us for not knowing the difference between a brew and a hop...

The internet provides a great opportunity though to put our best self forward without a lot of the in-the-moment anxiety. Say something dumb? Hit the delete key and try again. As if we could do that in *real* conversations. With some of the fear and inhibitions out of the way, conversation will flow better and easier, and chemistry can become apparent. Is it necessarily an indicator that it will transcend to real life? Maybe not. But it's a sign that the potential is there to be tapped.

Posted by: Aly Walansky
Topic: Recently some schools banned hugging and “extreme displays of public affection” – what impact do you think this will have on kids and teens, as they become adults?

In my own relationships, and those of my friends, I've noticed that people fall into two distinct categories: those for, and those against, PDAs. And in each corner, people are vehement for their cause.

I for one enjoy hugs and cuddles, wherever the situation merits, but am not inspired to get groiny up against a bar wall, just for the heck of it. I feel the same about seeing other people engage in such. And for the singles among us, having to watch others fool around while we awkwardly stare into space is just mean. It's the reason singles start to not enjoy their time spent with couples.

And it all starts somewhere...I agree, those who were making out in their high school hallways are probably the same people who are now making out at the dinner table (among others). And probably will be doing so until (God bless them) they are playing cards at the retirement home. Good for them. If that's what they are into. But still, decorum is the master of social sanity.

I know some people will say that to be anti-PDA is to be repressed...but would being anti nakedness be thusly inhibited? I don't think so. I think there's a time and a place for everything, no matter how kinky you may be behind closed doors. And the earlier you learn that lesson, the better.

Hot Topic: Do you believe in love at first sight? Have you experienced it – and was it “the real thing” or lust?
Posted by: Aly Walansky

That "KABLOOM" that my co-panelists speak of most certainly exists. I think it's what a lot of us romantics strive for our whole lives - raised by Harlequin romance novels and afternoon soap operas, we are taught that animalistic instant attraction can exist, and actually lead to a white picket face and puppy.

Is that realistic? I don't know. I believe that instant-attraction can lead to a great fling, hot sex, and a lot of fun. It is lust. But love? Based on what? How their butt looks in their jeans? The scent of their cologne? That's only dime-store novel love. And that's just fine. We all need a little extra passion, fantasy, and dare I say, chemical-attraction-induced lust, in our lives.

That's not to say that instant lust can't be a component of the eventual 'something bigger'. Hell, it's probably one of the best components to have. But when you are seeing that person, across the crowded room, under the guise of your third martini and an appreciation of fine abs, it ain't a spiritual sort of connection you're going for.

Topic: When's the right time for play time?

Posted by: Aly Walansky

I recently had the exciting assignment, as part of my SheKnows.com column, to do a series of short video tutorials on adult toy store navigation and choosing your first sex toy.

The research for this project has been fascinating, and it opened up a host of questions that I'd love to throw out to all of you. We know toys are a fun option, whether single, or in a relationship - toys can spice up even the spiciest of relationships, but can they be the saving grace for when there is no spice at all?

I'm sure a lot of us remember the movie "The O in Ohio" with Parker Posey and Paul Rudd. For those who don't, Parker Posey's character being unable (ever) to orgasm with her husband ... but finding her ultimate 'sweet spot' with her first vibrator. This ultimately leads to the devastation of her relationship, and by the end of the movie, she discovers she CAN have good sex with a man, just not with the one she had been with, and finds her ideal mate (Danny DeVito).

It's true that toys can help to break down boundaries, whether for pre-orgasmic women, or for couples in a rut, or just for those who want to have more fun. But the issue may be how to introduce toys into your life - or your relationship. Is it something to experiment with solo, or to broach together? And does the possibility exist that opening that Pandora's Box (...or toy chest) with your mate can end up creating more distance than intimacy?

Would love to hear some of your thoughts and experiences.