The Pause That Saves a Relationship

Topic: Couple Fights: What’s the one bit of advice you’d like to share about making them productive, not destructive?
Posted by: Sherry Amatenstein

Two boxers circling one another in the ring thirsting for blood, each consumed with finding and attacking what they sense is their opponent’s Achilles heel. If this resembles you and your partner when you fight minus the ring and boxing gloves, then Houston, we’ve got a problem. As Evan said so cogently an argument between lovers should not be about proving one is right and the other wrong.  This is not the fight of the century. You are not (hopefully) looking to deliver the knockout punch.  Your dispute concerns a specific issue; both parties should be left standing and after a cooling off period back to the good stuff. 

 

 

But in the heat of the moment all you can focus on is that you’re upset. This person who is supposed to cherish you is doing the opposite and hurting you with his/her stubbornness, inconsiderateness, poor judgment, etc. Flush with such a riot of emotions words can fly out of your mouth that you want to take back the moment they’re airborne. Words that have nothing to do with the issue at hand but concern past wrongs and imagined slights. Words that zero in on your partner’s insecurities.

 

Your job - to avoid uttering phrases like, “You’re totally right. Your mother does like your sister best” or “No wonder you never got that promotion. You’re too timid.”  Take a deep, relaxing, cleansing breath and ask yourself if you really need to deliver this low blow.  Do you really want to see pain in your beloved’s eyes and know you caused it?  Can’t you keep the fight centered on whose turn it is to pick the movie?

Still fuming but the pause was the sanity break you needed to know it’s not a wise move to go for the jugular? Say, “I’m too angry now to continue this.  Let me take a little walk (listen to some music, etc.) and we can talk about it later.”

Fair fighting is similar to the diet maxim: A minute on the lips; forever on the hips. 

Comments

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After reading your article, I don't think I will ever forget the diet maxim! LOL! But that is So true - because if you say something in the heat of the battle, even though your partner may forgive you for it later, they may never forget it and it will always hurt.

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