The Pause That Saves a Relationship

Topic: Couple Fights: What’s the one bit of advice you’d like to share about making them productive, not destructive?
Posted by: Sherry Amatenstein

Two boxers circling one another in the ring thirsting for blood, each consumed with finding and attacking what they sense is their opponent’s Achilles heel. If this resembles you and your partner when you fight minus the ring and boxing gloves, then Houston, we’ve got a problem. As Evan said so cogently an argument between lovers should not be about proving one is right and the other wrong.  This is not the fight of the century. You are not (hopefully) looking to deliver the knockout punch.  Your dispute concerns a specific issue; both parties should be left standing and after a cooling off period back to the good stuff. 

 

 

But in the heat of the moment all you can focus on is that you’re upset. This person who is supposed to cherish you is doing the opposite and hurting you with his/her stubbornness, inconsiderateness, poor judgment, etc. Flush with such a riot of emotions words can fly out of your mouth that you want to take back the moment they’re airborne. Words that have nothing to do with the issue at hand but concern past wrongs and imagined slights. Words that zero in on your partner’s insecurities.

 

Your job - to avoid uttering phrases like, “You’re totally right. Your mother does like your sister best” or “No wonder you never got that promotion. You’re too timid.”  Take a deep, relaxing, cleansing breath and ask yourself if you really need to deliver this low blow.  Do you really want to see pain in your beloved’s eyes and know you caused it?  Can’t you keep the fight centered on whose turn it is to pick the movie?

Still fuming but the pause was the sanity break you needed to know it’s not a wise move to go for the jugular? Say, “I’m too angry now to continue this.  Let me take a little walk (listen to some music, etc.) and we can talk about it later.”

Fair fighting is similar to the diet maxim: A minute on the lips; forever on the hips. 

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I love this maxim. In the heat of battle, my ex used to bring up comments I made over a year ago. Be very careful what you say during a fight... you can be sure your partner will file away anything you do or say for future use. It always comes back to bite you in the butt.

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After reading your article, I don't think I will ever forget the diet maxim! LOL! But that is So true - because if you say something in the heat of the battle, even though your partner may forgive you for it later, they may never forget it and it will always hurt.

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Not only do we need to take a pause amidst our angry outbursts, sometimes we also need to take a pause every once in a while to smell the fresh air. Taking a pause will not only calm us down, but it might in the long run, save our relationships, not only with our spouses, but with family and friends as well. In our ever so busy lives, we need someone to remind us that we need to take a step back and analyze the situation, so that we don't hurt the ones we love.

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Taking a break is great advice.

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It is essentil to talk things over in a good way. Couples do not necessarily have to shout and fight all the time. The trick of getting a good conversation is to pass first the anger and then talk.

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It's just not necessary. People should know better. People should be better.

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Thanks for the advice! I think walking could be a good solution for me in such situations.

Actually I could never understand people who say mean and hurtful things to their partners. I would never be able to. I think you can only say them if you have no love. Doesn't it hurt to hurt someone you're in love with?

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Taking a pause before blurting something you'll greatly regret later on is a great relationship tip! It's better to put your relationship in front of everything and everyone else, including your own temporary, petty enjoyment.

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Thanks for sharing such a wonderful advice for the couples.. I agree that one should talk to each other about the disputes and try to resolve them.. They should remain calm and understand the problem..

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