Stop Trying Too Hard? Really?

Posted by: Evan Marc Katz
Topic: Response to Aly Walansky

Stop being desperate, maybe.
Stop being needy, definitely.
Stop being bitter, absolutely.

But stop trying so hard?

I've got great respect for you, Aly, but it seems that your advice is specific to your friend. It's not that she's trying too hard. It's that she's a sad, jaded person whose air of negativity consumes her and repels men.

So you can blame it on the fact that she's "pressing". But the solution to your friend is not to stop trying. It's to lighten up. Find happiness elsewhere. Build her self esteem. Be ready for a relationship. And THEN try, try, try to meet a likeminded single man.

Truly, Aly, I didn't mean to call you out. The only reason I'm weighing in is because of the fairy tale perspectives that so many of us have.

"It happens when you least expect it", "It should happen naturally", "It's all about instant chemistry".

No, no, no! It CAN happen when you least expect it. It's NICE when it happens naturally. And instant chemistry CAN be thoroughly intoxicating. But that doesn't mean it's the ONLY way for it to happen. Ask anyone who's ever dated online (unnatural), thru a matchmaker (unnatural), gave someone a second date when the first one wasn't magic (not instant chemistry), or spent five years on the prowl until Mr. Right came along (very much on the hunt).

I said it in Why You're Still Single, and I'll say it again now: things don't just happen. We make them happen. Give your love life the attention you give your work life and watch things start to bloom.

Comments

[Kelly (blushgirl) Jones]

I couldn't agree more with this post. Right on! When will people realize that until you are happy with yourself, you can not be happy with a partner. Find happiness first, within yourself and a partner will find you.

[Darrel needs to lose weight naturally...]

This clever book addresses dating negatives or stumbling blocks from both the male and female perspective with suggestions on how to turn them into positive, mutually reinforcing attributes. According to the authors, everything has an opposite; this guide attempts to dissect the common stereotypical negatives and reframe them into positive, action-oriented approaches. Each chapter deals with particular obstacles, providing the male and female response to overcoming common problems in a manner that is empowering and personally instructive. But it is your journey in the end. The topics are spicy: The Desperation Tango, Women Who Hate Men Who Hate Women, Everything You Say Can and Will Be Used against You, Good Girls Don't and Deal Breakers, to name but a few. Plainspoken and to the point, the guide is simple, practical, and above all, positive, the real message valuable beyond the humorous rhetoric.

Linda Holmes is Paula Abdul to Evan Marc Katz's Simon, but this isn't a competition, it's a journey and one that offers many helpful lessons if defenses are removed. Every blunt word Evan utters, Linda tempers, smoothing the edges and reworking the dialog into female-friendly advice that women will easily relate to. It is interesting to note how each author, male and female, perceive the obstacles, the Venus and Mars approach, but both are written with an eye to solutions. In a conversational tone, each issue is discussed, all couched in the current pop rhetoric that is so familiar to the dating scene. Clearly, these are common sense approaches, but sometimes people need extra help sorting through the baggage of old behavior before moving on to the new and improved. The remarks may be couched in yin and yang, but the intent is the same, a fresh look at the dating scene, armed with the tools for a successful endeavor.

Some of the suggestions: Don't isolate- go out into the world when you can and interact; Desperation is a recipe for failure- don't set a wedding date the first time you meet him; Don't generalize- "all men are dogs"- treat each new date as an individual, not a means to an end; Insecurity is unattractive- instead, learn to know and love yourself to attract a like-minded person (we attract what we are); Don't mistake emotional clutter for emotional complexity (!!!); Have the confidence to say no without guilt and weigh the other person's reaction and willingness to consider your beliefs and opinions. These are only a few of the many ideas worth serious consideration. Seem like too tall an order? Not if you are stuck in a rut and seriously need to rework your dating skills. There are enough small gems in these pages to reinvigorate even the most pitiful dating repertoire. It's all in the perspective.

[Charles]

You ar ementioning self-esteem. Can I add something about it?

In psychology, self-esteem reflects a person's overall self-appraisal of their own worth.

Self-esteem encompasses beliefs (for example, "I am competent/incompetent") and emotions (for example: triumph/despair, pride/shame). Behavior may reflect self-esteem, in (for example: assertiveness/timorousness, confidence/caution).

Psychologists usually regard self-esteem as an enduring personality characteristic (trait self-esteem), though normal, short-term variations (state self-esteem) occur.

Self-esteem can apply specifically to a particular dimension (for example: "I believe I am a good writer, and feel proud of that in particular") or have global extent (for example: "I believe I am a good person, and feel proud of myself in general").

Synonyms or near-synonyms of self-esteem include:

* self-worth
* self-regard
* self-respect
* self-confidence (a sometimes disparaging term which can suggest excessive self-regard [more than self-esteem])
* self-love (which can express overtones of self-promotion)

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Hey look, it's Evan Marc Katz posting here in January '08. Fancy.

[Dope]

We make stuff happen? Radical suggestion!

[stop a breakup]

There is a thin line between trying so hard and being desperate. It is a slippery slope and the line is pretty gray.

[dating girl]

Online dating happens all of the time when a man gets to date a sexy woman. He finally has what he wants and he loses it just as quickly as he got it.

[How To French Kiss A Girl]

Trying too hard can make you look needy and desperate. It's a really easy way of putting someone off you that might have initially been interested...
Great article!

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I think is not easy to stop something.

[Online Dating Advice]

Trying to hard is definitely a recipe for disaster. If there is one thing attraction teaches us, it is that trying to hard is a major turn off for both sexes. We need to come across as if we are the ones that are in control and should be pursued!

[self esteem]

Excellent - I totally agree with you - Self worth is a much better phrase to use.

[Harriet Bond]

I agree that 'going shopping when you're hungry' is a bad idea! See my blog on internet dating at www.harrietbond.com..... I have now given it up as a bad job, as you will read in my blog about my own experiences. It has got me to a place where I am now more interested in doing things I enjoy merely because I enjoy them, and taking the focus off meeting a man. You can't hurry or engineer these things!

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[anna]

Don’t be very fast in asking personal info and asking for real meeting. Take your time and try to know as much as possible about person before real meeting.
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[Feromonas]

can you really ever try too hard. I don't think so.

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[Anna]

I am agree about stop being desperate. SO much agree. I have found my love on http://www.livedating.me

[Shawn]

When you are on a date; do not drink too much, which could impair your judgement....my two cents.

[cougar rencontre]

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[Lisa Shield]

My questions is why does it have to be one or the other? Why can't it be that she needs to stop trying too hard AND lighten up? There is BIG difference between putting ourself out there and trying too hard. I get what Aly is saying.