Topic: What advice would you give a friend looking to find love in 2008?
Posted by: Margo Z
Believe in abundance, not scarcity -- and remember that fear restricts. That old adage of "There's more than one fishie in the sea" is another of those clichés that exists for a reason. If something isn't working despite your best efforts, it's best to cut bait quickly in humane fashion rather than try to force something that ain't happenin'. Believing that "this is the
best I'm going to find" or "better the devil you know than the devil
you don't" creates more long-term misery than breaking things off and being alone for a spell ever could.
Always keep more than one line in the water. Saying, "Okay, I've got my profile up" and waiting breathlessly for The One to find you out of countless thousands is a start, but it isn't enough. Look for potential mates in the wild as well. Speed date, join clubs, take up a new sport, volunteer somewhere, all with your "target audience" in mind. If your ideal mate is a brainiac, see if you can qualify for Mensa. If s/he is athletic, go skiing or marathoning or sea kayaking or WHATEVER. Just get out there and go! In addition to increasing your pool of candidates, it will keep you from hovering obsessively over your in-box to see if anyone sent you a "wink."
Accept that desperation has a smell; it acts as a repellent, not an attractant. Learn to recognize the signs of desperation in yourself and eradicate them. Broadcasting your insecurities before the six-month mark of an exclusive relationship is almost never going to get you the healthy relationship you're looking for. Only predators and freaks find eau de "I'm-Doomed-To-Be-Alone-Until-I-Die" appealing.
Women: If you're wise, you will obey the rules of nature, not the supposed rules of the New Millennium. Men are the hunters. It's hard-wired into them. That's the way it's been since the dawn of time, and the way it's going to stay within your lifetime. Don't take their jobs away from them, okay? Wait for that man you're interested in to call -- just don't do your waiting by the phone. See the above advice on getting out and staying busy and creating a well-rounded, fulfilling and interesting life for yourself. It's never "rude" or "cruel" to give a guy a bit of space and time to figure out that you're special; but it's counterproductive as hell to pursue him and get all anxious and pretzel brain twist about the hidden meaning of every bon mot that fell from his lips on your last date. Lighten up, already. Unless you're a labor union leader during a strike, applying pressure on your "opponent" is always the wrong strategy.
Men: No, she will NOT think you're a psychotic stalker-rapist-serial killer-loser with no life if you call her the very next night after a great date to ask her out for the next one. She will be pleased and flattered that you respect her time and busy schedule, and if she likes you back it will save her any unnecessary agonizing over "Why hasn't he called?" Those dumb "guy-rules" about having to wait X days to call or else you will appear uncool turn women off. They create barriers. They also make you seem totally run of the mill. Want to stand out from the pack? Show a healthy level of interest without smothering her. And for God's sake, don't text her on her cell to ask for dates. Talk about lame. Pick up the bloody phone and show her you're into hearing the sound of her voice. Text messaging is for amateurs and slackers. That's not you, right? Didn't think so.