Believe

Topic: What advice would you give a friend who is looking to find love in 2008?
Posted by: Vix the Over-Educated Nympho

I come across so many people who have lost that spark of hope when it comes to finding love. Now I'm not one to throw around words like "spark" or "hope" but finding love is something that needs--well, words like "spark" and "hope." It's hard enough to find someone to love when you're trying, but if you have some sort of emotional barricade thrown up there you don't have a shot in hell.

Most of the time when someone has given up of ever falling in love, it's because she feels like the odds are against her. All the good ones are taken. Or gay. Or in therapy. Where to find a good person, let alone someone to fall in love with?

It's hard to keep the faith that someone special will come along when it seems everyone you meet is a douchebag, jerk, or an idiot. After too many unappetizing prospects the spark starts to die out, leaving hope nearly blind. It is at this point when many people fall victim to mediocre relationships because they find someone good enough, and good enough is better than nothing.

NO IT'S NOT. It might be a nice change, but there's a good chance it won't last. It's better to stick with nothing, otherwise you might miss someone remarkable while you're fighting with someone else.

Then there's the other reason someone gives up hope of finding love: she thinks she's not worth loving. Ironically these are the people who need love the most. Not finding it is taken as affirmation that one is unlovable, and it's a downward spiral from there.

I know someone who is a perfectly nice guy who wants to fall in love, get married, have kids, and live happily ever after. He's a great guy who won't get out of his own way, like Sherry said in her post. He is one of the most sour people I've ever come across. I'm forty and never had a long-term relationship. Why would anyone want to date a loser like me who's never had a girlfriend? I'm never going to find someone.

This kind of attitude is a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more bitter he gets about not meeting someone special, the less likely he is to meet someone special. I'm guessing he's met several wonderful women who were open to the idea of dating him until his sour mentality made itself known. In that case, these wonderful women probably thought why would I date someone who doesn't like himself. If he doesn't think he's worth dating, then why should I bother? It doesn't matter that he believes in love if he doesn't believe in himself in the first place.

I may not be religious or the kindest person out there, but I think belief is something worth clutching to. I know it's difficult, but it's at the worst times that belief is the most important. Those are the times that count.

Believe. Believe that you'll find someone to love, and know that when you do it's because you deserve it.

Comments

[Taoist Biker]

Excellent advice. One of my best friends is thirty-five and has never been in a serious relationship. I don't think he's all that bitter about it - but he's a little down, and I think he just can't bring himself to put himself out there.

Sadly, many of us who eventually figure out that we're worth loving do so at an age that's, oh, ten or twenty years past when it would do us the most good.

[diane]

I am in the middle of a divorce from a man who chose cocaine over his wife (me) and his daughter. If anyone has a right to be down on love it's me. Hurt feelingsI, verbal abuse and LOTS of broken promises but you know what...? I BELIEVE that there is a very special person out there for me. I love the feeling of love and am open to not only finding it, but embracing it.One bad seed doen not equal a whole bad forest. The part that is hard is being alone. But to sound cliche, if it's worth having, it's worth waiting for. At no time in life do you feel more alive than when in love.

[Nicole]

Any advice for someone who found the perfect person, who felt the same way, but circumstances intervened? (namely, a wife who hid her pregnancy the first couple months of their separation, and demanded after a year and a half apart that he stay with her or not see his child except when the courts make her). I wish I could give him up, but I have *that* kind of love...the one that all of you talk about, where you're 200% as a couple...where there's no reason you'd want to be single...he makes you feel worth loving, and the only thing you want from each other is to be able to make them happy...how do you have faith that you'll find that again?

[Justin]

I wouldn't mind finding someone "good enough for me" I don't want to look all my life for a perfect person, I have a lot of other stuff I want to do too. No body is perfect, but it you put in a bit of work and are able to accept SOME of people's short comings and you can be happy about it, then go for it.

[Zach]

I disagree. Maybe what those "bitter" people are in need of is exactly someone who is "just good enough". Perhaps then they will fall out of the mindset that they cannot satisfy anyone. Confidence is a huge factor in finding a mate. I'd say someone who's been through 20 mediocre relationships would have more confidence than someone who's been waiting their entire life to find that one perfect spouse. Otherwise, how would they even know when that person entered their life? They would have no basis for comparison.

Belief.. believe that if you were meant to be with someone, you will one day end up with that person. Any "mediocre" relationship will not hinder you from meeting that one true love, they can only provide much needed experience. Perhaps the mediocre relationships are the stepping stones to finding something great.

[Kelly (blushgirl) Jones]

This is very good advice. I always tell people, fall in love with yourself first, and others will naturally be attracted to you. I live by the saying, "Never complain, never explain". Keep a positive attitude and you will attract to you, the person of your dreams. It sounds hokey...but it is so true.

[donaldo]

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[donaldo]

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[casualencounters.com/blog/]

I think the truth of the matter is that one can find hope in this way.