The Great Mate Debate

The New Year's Eve Kiss

Posted by: Vix the OEN
Topic: New Year's Eve

It's not easy being single on New Year's Eve. Back when I was in college and single it was great because I used the New Year's Eve kiss as an excuse to smooch on the nearest hot guy and size him up for hook-up potential (xoxo to Ryan the marine! wait, was that his name? Mark? Joshua? damnit).

Now it's not so easy. Most of my friends are married, engaged, or coupled up. At the party I attended last New Year's there was no obvious male candidate for the obligatory midnight kiss, so I waited for my friend to finish the passionate embrace with her husband and then she turned to give me a peck on the lips. As much as I love her, IT'S NOT THE SAME. It's not New Year's Eve without a woody.

The New Year's Eve kiss is no big deal when you're part of a couple. It's the same with Valentine's Day--nothing special when you have a partner, but a huge f***ing deal when you don't have someone.

I've had more New Years with boyfriends than without, and I remember none of those midnight kisses. The ones when I was alone? I remember every single one of those, whether I received a mercy kiss from a friend or a teasing tongue from a promising stranger.

It's More Than a Miniature Crocodile Head

Topic: What’s the best holiday gift you ever got from a romantic partner – and why?
Posted by: Vix the Over-Educated Nympho

Although I've spent many holiday seasons with a loving boyfriend at my side, there is no one "perfect gift" that sticks out from the others. Instead I want to reiterate the point that it doesn't matter how much it costs, but that it comes from the heart.

Some of the most expensive gifts I have ever received: diamond earrings, complete box set of Sex And The City DVDs, and a full-day gift certificate to a spa. What of them now? Diamond earrings I returned to the boyfriend after the break-up (I didn't care for them--what seventeen year-old wears diamonds anyway?), DVDs are still much appreciated but not seen as something special, and the full-day spa treatment was nice for the one day.

Some of the best (and coincidentally, cheapest) gifts I have ever received: Superwoman underwear, a hideous blinged-out piggy bank, and a miniature crocodile head.

Where are these now? The Superwoman underwear has joined the VIP group of lucky underwear I sport on tough days at the office. The kitsch piggy bank sits proudly on my kitchen counter, grinning in her little red bikini and plump belly. The miniature crocodile head lies on the table next to me as I type this, always inspiring a giggle when I need one.

The first group of presents came from boyfriends. The second group of presents came from close friends and family. I love the silly and bizarre presents because they stick out in my memory among years of jewelry and bath salts (the generic female present--THANKS). Who the f*** gives someone a miniature crocodile head? My mother. Only someone who knows me that well knows I would love something so bizarre.

So my best gifts have not come from romantic partners. I love them all for trying, but money does not compensate for a lack of thoughtfulness. I have yet to find a boyfriend who understands that a crocodile head found at a garage sale in Texas for two dollars is worlds better than a $500 spa certificate.

And if I receive another container of fancy schmancy bath salts from a guy, I'm going to shove it up where even the most skilled masseuse would not be able to retrieve it.

Perfume, 2004

Topic: What’s the best holiday gift you ever got from a romantic partner – and why?
Posted by: Margo Z

Twice, I have received engagement rings at Christmastime.  You would think that’s the best gift a woman could possibly hope for.  You would be wrong, at least in my case.  Because both times, I had virtually asked for them, i.e. been the one to propel the relationship forward.  Saying that I “hinted at” wanting a ring on my finger would be too kind.  I was a pushy broad, and got my heart’s desire – or did I?

The first marriage didn’t work out, after only ten and a half emotionally empty years.  The second engagement turned into a roller coaster disaster of a relationship to a sex addict and dry drunk who had physically abused his ex-wife. If I had dated them longer and been less desperate to cement things, I might have had a shot at realizing that neither man was right for me.  People can keep their bad sides hidden for a lo-ooong time.  Who knew?

When Josh proposed, it was totally of his own accord.  I had never once brought up the subject of marriage, though he had a number of times.  It was so right for us both it was almost scary!  Prior to getting engaged, his Christmas gift to me was the perfume I wear – because he never tires of burying his nose in my neck when I have it on.  When I opened that gift from him, I knew things were headed in a lovely direction. 

Gift Giving Gives a Look Within

Posted by: Aly Walansky
Topic: What’s the best holiday gift you ever got from a romantic partner – and why?


This week's topic calls on the best gift you ever got from a romantic partner - but I feel inclined to do a bit of a spin on it. What is the *worst* gift you've ever gotten?

Whether it's signing a card "love always" and receiving one that says "from", or giving something personal and heartfelt and receiving pruning shears (when you lack a garden), a gift's significance can play a big role in your relationship's significance.

Shallow much? Not really. It's not a question of a gift's monetary value, or even what the object is - but it permeates understanding of each other on a level that should exist within a relationship.

Last year, a good friend was dating her current boyfriend for just over a month when he got her a wii. She was overwhelmed. It was soon for that sort of gift - but at the same time, it showed that she was significant. She, thinking he was a new guy, and not wanting to scare him away had gotten him something small and impersonal. Again, gift significance.

It's not necessary to spend a lot or buy a lot or receive a lot - but pay attention to what you get, and how it's presented. It can say a lot about where your future may be headed.

going toward the light

Posted by: Dr. Helen Fisher
Topic: What's the best holiday gift you ever got from a romantic partner - and why?

I simply can’t think of the best holiday present I have ever gotten from a romantic partner. I am stuck! Generally I can get on some kind of riff, but not tonight. I have gotten some lovely things. Certainly one was an incredibly taylored long sheep skin coat that was warm beyond belief, and sexy and fashionable, and just the right color. I wore it for years. Another was a record player at a time when I really needed one. But these are so trivial. I haven’t had the traumas at Christmas that other’s have had; hearing that my sweetheart was coming home from active duty in a war, for example. My gifts have all been creature comforts or lovely jewelry; happiness for me, but not much of a story.

So: of more interest to me is that tomorrow is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. I always celebrate the Solstice, as men and women probably did 5,000 years ago, 25,000 years ago, even 250,000 years ago--the darkest day of the year and the return of the light. I hope this year more people will see the light, go towards the light and make some enlightened choices—a gift every one of us can give to one another on this gorgeous planet we share.

Share Thoughts, Don’t Read ‘Em

Posted by: Sherry Amatenstein
Topic: A recent study says that we can correctly figure out what a stranger is thinking 20% of the time…and what a romantic partner is thinking 35% of the time. In your opinion, what does that indicate about how well we know our mates?

Remember the Newlywed Game?  Blushing brides and grooms asked embarrassing questions about one another like:

Which porno film will your spouse say you most remind him/her of?    

    a)  Deep throat     b)  Long dong silver    c)  On golden blonde
    d)  Romancing the bone

                                 or

Where was the last place you ate lunch together?

I don’t think any studies have been done correlating exactly what knowing answers to questions like these have to do with really knowing your mate and what makes him/her tick.  Research can often be skewed any which way.  Remember Woody Allen’s Sleeper when he is revived after a 200 year coma and discovers, among other futuristic improvements, that scientists have verified deep fried fatty foods and smoking are extremely good for you?

I’m curious exactly what is it those 35% of romantic partners polled understand about their partners - that after downing a box of Oreos in one sitting, he/she is thinking, 'Okay, the diet starts tomorrow?'

What matters most in having a successful relationship is not necessarily to correctly “guess” what your mate is thinking. What goes on in my noggin a goodly portion of the time is anything but profound though often quite predictable.

Rather as Amy pointed out it’s vital to communicate as in don’t assume you know the answer to everything and ask your mate what it is he/she wishes you knew… and to communicate in turn.

Spill those important thoughts. Don’t be a mind reader but a mind sharer.

To Know Thyself...

Topic: A recent study says that we can correctly figure out what a stranger is thinking 20% of the time…and what a romantic partner is thinking 35% of the time. In your opinion, what does that indicate about how well we know our mates?
Posted by: Aly Walansky

I guess this is a matter of half-full/half-empty...an interesting question would be what percentage of the time do we correctly understand ourselves and our own thoughts?

Not nearly all the time. In fact, maybe not even half. This makes the 35% sound pretty darn sweet.

In all seriousness, we can be in a relationship over a course of years, and often still feel not entirely connected - and it's sometimes, I think, based on my initial thought - that we really aren't comfortably connected to ourselves. How can we get anyone else?

I do call into question the guessing 20% of the time correctly about strangers. How can that *possibly* be true?

Do I Really Know My Guy At All?

Posted by: Amy Spencer
Topic: A recent study says that we can correctly figure out what a stranger is thinking 20% of the time…and what a romantic partner is thinking 35% of the time. In your opinion, what does that indicate about how well we know our mates?

You know what's funny about this? The first thing I thought of when I saw those numbers was how little we actually know our partners. In my eyes, 35% is nothing in the grand scheme of things!

In my life, I get a kick out of it when my husband can figure out what I'm thinking (Granted, it's often, "What, do you want to get an In and Out burger?"). But I find that when I'm on a roll with a few of those, "Ah, I know my husband so well" moments, I can get a little cocky about it. That's when I stop asking—and start assuming—what he wants. And we know what happens when you assume... I screw up on some guess or assumption, and I'm then left wondering, "Do I really know my guy at all?"

I imagine those percentages go up the longer you're with a partner. But personally, I'm going to take it as a reminder that my husband is still 65% mystery to me. So from now on, I'll leave the mind reading and "trying to figure out" options at the door when I can, and stick to the good old-fashioned tactics: verbalized conversation and communication, guaranteed to have a much higher success rate!

Familiarity Breeds Intimacy

Posted by: Evan Marc Katz

A recent study says that we can correctly figure out what a stranger is thinking 20% of the time…and what a romantic partner is thinking 35% of the time. In your opinion, what does that indicate about how well we know our mates?

Well, if the average person uses 10% of his brain, and 48% of those people believe in ESP, and 13% of those people have their powers work on strangers, then…wait, where was I?

Oh, I got it. Something about knowing my girlfriend better than the checkout guy at the Gap. Yeah, that’s true.

I’m not really sure what to make of such statistics, except that they probably say a lot about the subtle nuances that come with familiarity. I just don’t think this is any surprise. You can probably navigate your way around your home blindfolded safely 60% of the time, and hit a hotel room coffee table in the dark 80% of the time, but what does this prove? We know things we already know?

However, I do have this to say about familiarity – it doesn’t necessarily breed contempt.

In fact, I smile every time I speak and my girlfriend laughs and replies, “Get out of my head!” It’s wonderful to be on the same wavelength with a romantic partner, much the way we are with siblings who know us as we know ourselves. You know your relationship is on a higher plane when you can pick up something wrong in her voice, exchange knowing glances across a crowded party, and, of course, finish each others’ sentences

So yeah, there’s beauty in familiarity, all right.

But I think the real word for it is this:

Intimacy.

Grinch of the Group

Topic: What’s the best thing about being single during the holidays…and the best thing about being coupled up over the holidays?
Posted by: Sherry Amatenstein

I’m the Grinch of this group. My story is about the worst experience I ever had during the holidays as a single person. It’s also about the worst experience I had as part of a couple. Both were on New Year’s Eve – the same New Year’s Eve. That December 31 began with me starring as Sadie, Sadie unhappy married lady.

My then husband and I knew our marriage was on life support, but were trying to hold things together into January. Who wants to be totally alone you know when? But in the week before the balloon was scheduled to drop at Times Square, our relationship took a sharp spiral downward. Bob moved into our neighbor Gerard's apartment but kept coming upstairs to verbally harass me. Even the cat, usually a Nosy Nelly needing to be in on all the action, couldn't take the tension and disappeared under a bed whenever "daddy" appeared.

The evening of December 30th: We were still planning on spending the 31st together, delusional to the last, as if irreparable marital angst would take a moratorium to spare us the pain of a ruptured New Year's. The sound of Bob's key rattling in the lock sent the cat scuttling as per usual. My husband came in and began his berating almost exactly where he'd left off the previous night. My mouth opened but instead of a rebuttal rebate I announced, "I'm leaving in the morning."

His lip trembled. "But... but tomorrow's New Year's Eve." I shouted, "Yeah well, spend it with Gerard. I'm done."

The next morning I left, plastic bag in hand (I returned a few days later for the cat, the only shared possession I wanted), work-bound. Bob followed me all the way to the bus stop. "How cruel you are, to leave on New Year's Eve."

My co-worker Ronnie, hearing my tale of woe invited me to spend the evening with her and her husband. This meant joining them at a party.  Blissfully I entered 'Numb town,' an emotion-free zone, though at midnight when the couples embraced (I was the only single) it was hard not to think of past New Year's when I'd been happily coupled.  Well okay, when I'd been coupled.

I vowed to myself that if I made it through this evening no other New Year's Eve ever, ever would be as poisonously sad. There was nowhere to go but up. Surely there'd always be something joyful to celebrate, even a small accomplishment. Some years I've been 'Party of Two'; other times 'Admit One.'  But having survived the Ground Zero of holiday time I've always felt grateful and blessed come December 31st. If nothing else, January 1st is a new beginning.