Topic: What three things do you think are vital to an amazing relationship?
Posted by: Vix the Over-Educated Nympho

There is a huge difference between a good relationship and an amazing relationship. Yes, I'm playing the semantics game here but I think it's important to make the distinction. "Good" can be enough to keep a couple together through the rough times. But amazing? "Amazing" is what keeps a couple together and happy together through the rough times.

The criteria for a good relationship are the foundation for an amazing relationship, but certainly not enough to make an A+ in amazingness. Good relationships have

• respect
• trust
• communication

Those have to be in place for any sort of solidity with another person, whether in a romantic or platonic relationship. Any gaps between those qualities leave room for things like condenscension, jealousy, and resentment to seep in.

Amazing relationships have "simpler" criteria, yet for some reason it seems harder to find all these with someone else:

• laughter
• encouragement
• great sex

That's right, I SAID SEX. Evan said it as the token guy on the panel and now I'm saying it again because sex is not just a guy's issue. Although sex is not important to everyone out there, it is d*** important to many of us. Of course I agree that any good relationship is based on more than good sex, but as Aly said, it's hard to have a good relationship with bad sex. I shudder at the thought. Memory. Whatever.

One of the perks of being part of a couple is you always have your own personal cheerleader--someone to remind you that you're brilliant and wonderful even when you feel as awesome as a piece of poo. There's accepting someone as she is, which falls under the respect/good relationship category, but there's the step beyond: encouraging your loved one to be the person she wants to be, even if it means giving up the dual-income household so she can go to art school and acquire debt all over again.

Laughter is hands-down the most important quality. It keeps a couple going at it through all the involuntary weird noises during sex, it helps through the rough times, and it is what people remember about their parents after they've been married for thirty-something years.

A good relationship is just that--good. Does that mean it's good enough to keep you happy throughout the years? Maybe yes, maybe not. I've been in enough good relationships to know that next time I'm holding out for something amazing.

Comments

[Becca]

OMG, if I go by what you just said, then I have the amazing relationship and didn't even realize it. And here I was thinking about letting it all go because of my insecurity.

[shollinger]

I could not agree more. I have been in a relationship with not so good sex and everything else was great. It ended badly. Now I am married to a woman who is exciting to be with, makes me laugh, respects, trusts me. I don't think I could ask for more. Thanks for reminding me. "Treat your wife like your girlfriend." all will be good.

[nicky]

I agree wholeheartedly. I've personally got to have the trust, respect and intimacy. But beyond that, my husband is an amazing lover and we have great sex. It helps smooth over the rough spots and brings us back together when we've gone through something not so fun. I can't imagine having to get over a fight with just so-so sex!

[Eden]

Great sex keeps the bond in tact. The touching, the kissing, the intimacy are essential to maintaining the connection that makes the laughter and encouragment come easier. It is hard to remember to appreciate each other when you aren't having great sex.

[Taoist Biker]

Excellent points. I think personally I'd throw in a pinch of empathy, but that's nowhere near as important as the three (ok, six) things you listed.

As for the sex-is-important, hell, go back and read Dan's Savage Love column from last week, and the "more responses to" he posted this week. Seems there's a consensus here: yeah, you can have a good relationship, but if you're still craving a better sexual connection, it's never going to get the gold star.

[Sue]

There is some truth to the saying that relates sex to air...and it only being important to those that don't have any. Or something like that.

I struggle with this right now in my relationship. We get along (mostly). He brings a lot of laughter into my life. He's stable. He pays his bills. He does his share of household chores.

But sex. Oy! My sex drive is off the top of the charts and his is not that much above zero. And it's damn hard to deal with.

I go through times when I think that maybe I put too much importance on sex. But it is my way to reconnect with the person I love. It's what sets my relationship with him apart from my relationship with my friends.

I can love my friends. I can live with my friends. I could raise children with my friends. Share chores, laugh, trust, encourage them and depend on them in every single way...except sex.

And if I'm not getting great sex from my romantic relationship, then is it just a friendship?

[jen]

I'm waiting for my amazing relationship too. I'm done with just the "good" ones.

[Lazlo]

Vix, I think that this is a very poignant article about relationships. I do believe fully that everyone should ALWAYS hold out for something amazing. Why settle? Why be less than happy? Why suffer? We have an idealized point of view in this part of the world (read hollywood romanticism) when it comes to relationships. Granted they have evolved over the past one hundred years but we all at some point have fallen prey to the thought that relationships are easy and don't need work. The keys to a great relationship are exactly what you said and more. Relationships require both parties to be 100% engaged in the relationship. It is not merely 50/50.

I believe that my relationship has succeeded for a number of reasons (not the least of which is her herculian patience with me) but also it is important to note that intimacy is more than just sex; touch, hugs and kissses. I make sure that I do each of these every chance I get.

Trust, honesty, communication, hope, a vision for the future. Each of these play a massive role in relationship.

Just my two cents; hope you get four!

L

[Mindy]

I totally agree that if you aren't having great sex in a relationship, it's not going to last. If everything else is great but the sex, is that why people cheat?

[Vixen]

A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!!

Oh yeah, oh yeah. I loved this post. I think it's so true the distinction between good relationships and amazing ones. Good relationships are alright, and they do last but I've always viewed them as kinda boring with the extra zing of incredible sex, uproariously funny laughter and support & encouragement.

And I got the confirmation I needed to as well---when it's this good it has to be amazing.

[Kat Wilder]

I agree with all your must-haves, and I'd add two of mine — a similar world and life vision. If you both see your place in the world in the same way, and you share a common vision (this does not mean hobbies and how you spend your time), then you're both on a similar life path.

And ... he must have a kind heart, not just to you but to the world around him, his family, his friends, strangers ... and to himself.

[Gina McGlashen]

It is very well and quite accurate to say one must have respect,trust,confidence and great sex with the person you fancy yourself in love with..BUT.no one hands you those things in a neat little envelope to stuff in your pocket like an accessory for relationships.All those things must be earned, and in that process the qualities that are needed most are tolerance, patience, understanding, forgiveness, physical and mental fortitude,compromise and determination.. to name a few. When the "honeymoon" is over and the blush is off the rose, and you both have shared all these experiences and emerge with a new understanding of who you are, and you can honestly and wholly commit yourself to your partner.... your soul mate, You may then call it love.
I know what I speak of..I have been married for 44 years and am still in love with my husband, and I know he loves me.