Posted by: Margo Z
Topic: Do you think you can really and truly “feel” chemistry via email?
Okay, kids… pencils sharpened? Circle the answer that makes the most sense to you:
MensaBoi34 can write a coherent sentence using proper grammar and punctuation. Occasionally, he lets loose with a zinger that makes you laugh out loud. Thoroughly dazzled by his online verbal skills, you agree to meet for a rousing game of Scrabble® over gingerbread lattés. Do you:
A: Ponder the precise mix of offbeat literary names for your future children before the first date (“Kerouac if it’s a boy, Ayn if it’s a girl.”)
B: Exult to all your friends that you’ve met The One! And he can SPELL!!!
C: Reserve judgment until you see if the guy can talk for an hour without latté gunk collecting in the corners of his mouth.
SultrySuze29 has no picture posted online. However, she describes herself as a blonde Lisa Kudrow type, is in your preferred age range, and judging from her wittily nuanced e-mails possesses an IQ higher than lettuce. She’s promised to send a recent picture from her weekend in Cabo as soon as she gets the disc back from the photo place. You’re tempted to throw caution to the winds and ask her to meet you for drinks, sight unseen. Do you:
A: Rationalize that it’s no different than the times you’ve gone out with someone based on a photo from ten years and forty pounds ago.
B: Chide yourself for being shallow and immature for valuing looks over substance.
C: Hold out another few days for the promised full body shot, since time is a non-renewable resource.
SilverFox43 is being a bit coy about whether he’s 43 years old, or was born in 1943. If it’s the latter, it would be a deal breaker as you’re still in your thirties and not interested in dating a man who will be on Medicare by your next birthday. His photo shows a trim, good looking, silver-haired man on a ski slope that he assures you is from his trip to New Zealand this past July. Do you:
A: Agree to have dinner with him because what the hell, even if he is 64, he might be perfect for your Aunt Cassandra.
B: Convince yourself that if he’s still athletic enough to ski year ‘round, his chronological age shouldn’t matter.
C: Press him one more time for his date of birth – and if it’s still not forthcoming, assume he’s actually in his seventies, hoist the red flag and move on to someone more straightforward.
FunnyLady38 looks to be the whole package: cute, bright, never-married, AND she shares your passion for Libertarianism, silent films, 1970s muscle cars and pistachio ice cream. You are both non-practicing cultural Catholics who grew up in small towns in the Midwest. It’s uncanny – the things you have in common. This was clearly meant to be! She detests talking on the phone, however, and would rather just pick a place to rendezvous. This makes you a bit uneasy, as it breaks one of your cardinal rules of online dating. Do you:
A: Blot out the memory of the woman whose laugh was even more obnoxious than Horshack’s on “Welcome Back, Kotter” and go for it.
B: Persuade yourself that the connection you share online will only grow and deepen once your eyes meet.
C: Charm her into a quick call to make sure she can handle your unbelievably hypnotic, sexy voice.
Answers: All Cs – for Caution, a modicum of which will save you many future dating horror stories.