Women Who Make More Than Men - And The Men Who Resent Them

Posted by: Evan Marc Katz
Topic:  Do you think couples in which the woman is more successful than the man are more likely to break up than other couples (all else being equal)?

As a man who, for years, dated nothing but women more successful than himself, I’d hate to think that this true. I always had great respect and admiration for my wealthier girlfriends, and I hoped that I would one day be their financial equals. But having listened to my female clients share their stories of intimidated men, I have to think there’s something to this phenomenon. Some men, are, in fact, threatened by powerful women. However, the main reason men have an issue with women earning more is because they know many women have an issue with their man earning less.

This seems to be the topic du jour, as the New York Times asked a similar question just last week. But ultimately, it’s not about who earns more. It’s about whether the man and woman are comfortable in their respective roles. Feminism and equality are assets to society, but they have created great confusion in 21^st century relationships. A man making $50,000 doesn’t know how he’s supposed to act around a woman making $250,000. He may be “the man”, but he’s not in the position to assume the traditional male role of provider and protector. And it’s not just men who are confused. Successful women, despite their deep pockets, often want men to serve their gender roles, which specifically involves paying. These women can get frustrated that they are cast in the traditional masculine role. So the roles become reversed, he gets insecure, she feels resentful, and things get all out of whack.

The only way that a couple can make it through this is by being genuinely secure. If she’s a partner at a law firm, she can’t get too upset if she married a high school English teacher. She has to love him for who he is, rather than who he’s not. Similarly, if he’s a bank teller, and she’s an investment banker, he can’t feel emasculated if she’s reaching for every check. There are many other ways he can provide comfort and masculine energy. They just won’t involve money.

Comments

[Matt]

Interesting topic, relevant to a lot of couples.

But especially since this is the topic du jour, the content of the blog could have had more meat to it and dug a little deeper than simply "the only way that a couple can make it through this is by being genuinely secure."

[Kathryn Lord]

Issues around money are one of the most common causes of problems in relationships, if not THE most common issues. Any difference the two individuals have need to be spanned somehow, and that is the job of the relationship, which functions as a bridge between the two.

The situation of women making more money than their male partners is getting to be more and more of an issue as women reach parity in the workplace, and therefore the ability to make money. Women are leading men in levels of education now, and it is no surprise that successful women now complain that they cannot find equally successful (or more successful) mate candidates. Since traditionally, women marry up and men marry down, not only do you have fewer equally or more successful men for these women, but also, the men, if they follow tradition, marry down, further lessening the number of males available.

Let's not forget that work too can cause strains, and that two financially successful (and perhaps driven and time stretched) people may find their relationship strained by their efforts to be successful. That's one of the reasons why the old model of one wage earner and one support person work, in its own fashion.

Evan has put his finger on a key issue here, the security of each individual as men and women. Men and women need to be comfortable with themselves and not connect their masculinity or femininity to relative financial worth. Perhaps viewing income and possessions as a pool of resources that a couple then can share, just as they would other talents, might lessen tension.

For sure, successful women need give up the desire for an even more successful mate. There just aren't enough to go around. And then look for men who are confident enough to deal with these women, regardless of the money that they make. And guys, there is a real opportunity here...

Kathryn Lord, Your Romance Coach

[anonymously]

I recently read 2 books that totally changed my views on this topic: Why Smart Men Marry Smart Women, by Christine Whelan, and Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others: The Fascinating Research That Can Land You the Husband of Your Dreams
by John T. Molloy. Both books point out that men increasingly want to marry successful women, or at least women whose accomplishments stand out in some way. A lot of this effect is generational (Whelan's book is an in-depth study of the phenomenon of men preferring women as successful or as educated as they are). In my parents' generation, men were usually more successful and better educated than their wives, but among the Baby Busters, X-ers and generation Y, it just isn't that way any more. In fact, Molloy points out in his book that in the data his team collected (by interviewing couples as they left the marriage license registry), he observed that most men engaged to be married actually bragged about their brides' achievements. Men want to marry women they feel proud of and according to Molloy "all wives are trophy wives." If a woman is not gifted with great beauty, she should play up her other accomplishments. However, "career women" who complain they cannot find a mate are usually (according to Molloy's observations) not budgeting their time properly to make *room* for a mate. Molloy's book especially is packed with practical tips, in addition to his research results. I will probably keep his book and throw out all my other "dating" self-help books, as most dating advice tends to be not very helpful (i.e., too anecdotal, without adequate evidence, and failing to suggest concrete solutions I can actually try out), and to make the reader feel inadequate in some way. Ms. Lord may be dealing with an older generation in the dating pool; the under-50s tend to date and marry up or down as they see fit, with a growing trend for successful, professional women increasingly finding mates among the blue collar, creative, and overall less financially successful men. So, just to assure women reading this post, no you don't have to drop out of your graduate school programs or apply for jobs you're overqualified for or play down your accomplishments in any way. If you are the average single woman, your accomplishments are part of your porfolio of attractions; they are not liabilities!!

[viagra online]

But i wonder--simply because i wasn't around for her life and have never studied her impact on american culture in a larger sense--if this is how marilyn herself was viewed by her peers back in the day... and if it was only the surgical hand of dr. time, m.d., that glossed over her life and put her in the context we find her in today.