Posted by: Vix the Over-Educated Nympho
Topic: Why do men hate it when women ask, “What are you thinking…?”

Don't assume it's always the girl asking the question and it's always the guy ducking an answer to save his delicate manhood, similar to what Sherry posted earlier. As a chick who identifies more easily with the typical guy role in a relationship, I know how cornered he may feel in this situation as his mind desperately seeks (and can't find) the correct answer.

I know what I feel like saying in that situation: If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would tell you.

That means if I don't want to tell you what I'm thinking, it's because it either makes me look bitchy, mean, or dumb. Or vain. Or a little emo. Best to keep those thoughts to myself, otherwise I would have even fewer friends.

You want to know what I'm thinking about? Really? Because if you ask a loaded question like that, don't be surprised when I raise my guns of passive-aggression right back at you. I have been in enough relationships and enough fights to know that "what are you thinking?" (or its sister statement, "is everything okay?") is much bigger and more complex than four such simple words would suggest. What the inquiring person really means is "are you thinking what I think you're thinking? Because if you are thinking what I think you're thinking, I'm concerned and I think we should talk about what you think you're thinking." No one ever walks out of one of those fully intact.

Much like Amy said in her post, don't ask if you aren't ready to hear the honest answer. Do you really want to know how many of my thoughts have to do with sexually objectifying men who are way hotter than you?

Don't worry, it's not always bad. Sometimes the response "nothing" honestly means nothing, at least nothing worth talking about. What would you think if I told you that the voice in my head was singing "Feliz Cumpleaños" with a bad British accent?

Then again there are the times when "nothing" means "nothing but bad things." Are you ready to go there? This is not the best way to get someone to open up and talk about feelings, especially if they are of the "we need to talk" variety.

Sometimes a person just doesn't feel like talking, whether because of a bad day at the office, a foul mood that has nothing to do with the other person, or happily lost in one's own thoughts. As an avid daydreamer, I can vouch for that last one. Why is it so hard to just let someone be?

For those concerned loved ones who are seeking validation, is it not enough validation that your significant other chooses to be around you day after day, even if there are bouts of silence? If you're feeling a little concerned about the status of your relationship, ask for a hug instead. A hug is a smoother step toward an "us" discussion without tripping over the implications of a loaded question.

Advice to those who have an itch to ask "what are you thinking?" in spite of the caution above: don't keep asking the same question in an attempt to get the answer you want (which probably won't be an honest answer, but a combination of words whose sole purpose is to get you to leave the respondent the hell alone) to an issue that may or may not be what you think it is.

Avoidance or dismissal of the question does not necessarily have anything to do with your significant other's poor tortured inner soul, because there are many other things it could be. Like trying to remember the name of the actor who played that guy in that movie with the sheep and the eighties music soundtrack, because the chick in that movie was super hot.

Have I been talking too much? My apologies. Let's move on. What are you thinking, babycakes?

Comments

"... if I told you that the voice in my head was singing "Feliz Cumpleaños" with a bad British accent?..."

yes Vix. awesome.

[Cynthia]

I dislike being on the end where someone is saying "Please, tell me what's wrong! It's better to talk about things". Most of the time it is one of those cases where nothing is wrong. I am simply in a calm mind frame and wish to relax. People cannot distinguish the difference between something being wrong and someone being to the point of breaking down. Even then, they cannot tell when they want to talk and when they do not.

[Taoist Biker]

I'm thinking of nothing. I'm reposing in the Great Way.

That, or I can't believe we just called a run on 4th and 5.

[Astryd]

Q: What are you thinking?
R: Are you naked under there?
Q1: Under where?
R1: Ha! Made you say underwear!

Q2: YES!
R2: And you're letting all that nakedness go to waste?! The Shame!!

Q3: No...
R3: WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

[Jordan Stevens]

The reality is that thoughts are private property even in a relationship. Usually the question, "What are you thinking?" is really the result of an insecurity and any insecurity is a turn off and relationship killer. So, girls, control youself, get some *faith* and think more what you can give, then what you can *get*. That's the key to a good relationship.

If there are no stupid questions, what kind of questions do stupid people ask?

[Joanna]

As for thoughts being private in a relationship, I think it really depends who you are asking. I asked my fiance a few times long ago what he was thinking, and like I said on: http://theovereducatednympho.com/
I just don't give a damn now. Giving and receiving go both ways, ideally.

[Been there]

If a woman has to ask her partner ?what are you thinking" it usually is because some men can be maddeningly overly quiet and stoic. To the point of being downright dull and boring. It usually means that the guy has been overly secretive. That is neither kind or conducive to an honest relationship.

Men sometimes seem to drift and seem very distant to a woman. She is only attempting to reestablish a connection with him. To be reassured that everything is ok can ean a lot to a woman. That is not such a big request to day a few reassuring words to your loved one. It is no fun being in a relationship with "The Quiet Man". It is downright lonely and sometimes tortuous dealing with the stoic ones who hold on way too tightly to their thoughts at the expense of making their mate feel comfortable. If you truly love your mate you would have no problem with this question. She is only asking for a few words to help her feel connected to you. Without that feeling of connection she will not "connect" with YOU anywhere else. And that includes the bedroom. Is that what you want? I think not.! So it's time to knock off the macho BS and get a clue.

Some men are independent to a fault. Some will play mind games with the woman they claim to love. Love is shown through kindness and understanding. So to those who feel so self rightious about not answering her question in an honest and loving way...I say, get over yourself. You can play mind games with your loved one but it will be at your own peril. If you have to be that defensive and uptight about such an innocent question then you apparently have bigger issues regarding your immaturity and lack of understanding in your relationship. Not to mention this ridiculous reluctance to share your life with the woman you claim to love. Love is all about sharing, kindness and giving of yourself. If that is too much trouble for a few macho men then they should consider staying single.

[Asian Dating]

To be silent between your group of your friends it's indication of fall in love this can be possible by dating with your partner .Dating gives you an opportunity to select your life-partner. It also needs lot of skills to succeed. Once you learn that art, you can proceed cheerfully to date and get a partner with whom you will be happy.