Posted by: Vix the Over-Educated Nympho
Topic: Why do men hate it when women ask, “What are you thinking…?”
Don't assume it's always the girl asking the question and it's always the guy ducking an answer to save his delicate manhood, similar to what Sherry posted earlier. As a chick who identifies more easily with the typical guy role in a relationship, I know how cornered he may feel in this situation as his mind desperately seeks (and can't find) the correct answer.
I know what I feel like saying in that situation: If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would tell you.
That means if I don't want to tell you what I'm thinking, it's because it either makes me look bitchy, mean, or dumb. Or vain. Or a little emo. Best to keep those thoughts to myself, otherwise I would have even fewer friends.
You want to know what I'm thinking about? Really? Because if you ask a loaded question like that, don't be surprised when I raise my guns of passive-aggression right back at you. I have been in enough relationships and enough fights to know that "what are you thinking?" (or its sister statement, "is everything okay?") is much bigger and more complex than four such simple words would suggest. What the inquiring person really means is "are you thinking what I think you're thinking? Because if you are thinking what I think you're thinking, I'm concerned and I think we should talk about what you think you're thinking." No one ever walks out of one of those fully intact.
Much like Amy said in her post, don't ask if you aren't ready to hear the honest answer. Do you really want to know how many of my thoughts have to do with sexually objectifying men who are way hotter than you?
Don't worry, it's not always bad. Sometimes the response "nothing" honestly means nothing, at least nothing worth talking about. What would you think if I told you that the voice in my head was singing "Feliz Cumpleaños" with a bad British accent?
Then again there are the times when "nothing" means "nothing but bad things." Are you ready to go there? This is not the best way to get someone to open up and talk about feelings, especially if they are of the "we need to talk" variety.
Sometimes a person just doesn't feel like talking, whether because of a bad day at the office, a foul mood that has nothing to do with the other person, or happily lost in one's own thoughts. As an avid daydreamer, I can vouch for that last one. Why is it so hard to just let someone be?
For those concerned loved ones who are seeking validation, is it not enough validation that your significant other chooses to be around you day after day, even if there are bouts of silence? If you're feeling a little concerned about the status of your relationship, ask for a hug instead. A hug is a smoother step toward an "us" discussion without tripping over the implications of a loaded question.
Advice to those who have an itch to ask "what are you thinking?" in spite of the caution above: don't keep asking the same question in an attempt to get the answer you want (which probably won't be an honest answer, but a combination of words whose sole purpose is to get you to leave the respondent the hell alone) to an issue that may or may not be what you think it is.
Avoidance or dismissal of the question does not necessarily have anything to do with your significant other's poor tortured inner soul, because there are many other things it could be. Like trying to remember the name of the actor who played that guy in that movie with the sheep and the eighties music soundtrack, because the chick in that movie was super hot.
Have I been talking too much? My apologies. Let's move on. What are you thinking, babycakes?