"emotional containment"

Posted by: Dr. Helen Fisher
Topic: Why do men hate it when women ask, “What are you thinking…?”?

I am not entirely sure why men hate it when women ask “what are you thinking.” I used to do that quite a bit, actually, and I never really got anyone to answer. But my twin sister and I have asked one another this question since we were small children. We used to have a game called “now.” And when I said “now,” she would have to answer; and vice versa. We liked the game because we often found that when we were asked, we discovered that we were really thinking of about 5 things at once! It was fun.

But I think men feel invaded. Men are, by and large, more “emotionally contained” than women are. As testosterone floods the brain in teenage, they begin to use “joke-speak,” masking their real emotions with humor. I have long thought that men’s emotional containment (which is found in many cultures) evolved millions of years ago on the grasslands of Africa, where men were obliged to do a lot of aggressive tasks. It’s not really adaptive to feel empathy while slitting the throat of a baby gazelle, for example, or while raiding an enemy camp for food or territory. So men evolved the ability to contain their feelings, sometimes even from themselves!

So they are not as comfortable sharing their intimate world because they feel their words might backfire on them. Men also suffer more from “emotional flooding.” When they get angry or sad they are more likely to lose control and go beyond what they regard as appropriate. So I don’t think men (on average) are as comfortable delving into their emotions, or women’s emotions; and when asked what they are thinking, they feel they are on unsteady turf, where they may lose our respect or love. I suspect they have no idea how much we love them and that this question is often just due to our curiosity about who they are.

Comments

[Greg]

I think this concept of 'emotional flooding' is quite interesting and honestly a very catch-22 type of situation. Probably, this flooding comes from the fact that men are generally not as practised with expression of angst/sadness/even just general emotional displays. Nevertheless, it's all well and good to say that these sorts of questions spring up because of women's desires to express their love and care of their partner but sometimes it can come off as much more than that!

[Andrew]

I see this concept as very interesting. Is there research to support this more evolutionary approach or could it be a result of interactions and expectations set in our social groups. With the mass shift towards less interpersonal interaction (Moving to technology instead of interpersonal with text messaging, email and chats) do you see this changing with both sexes? Could we be looking at a new situation where few people are in touch with their emotions as they do not explore them and are more cursory with their day to day interactions?

[shani lee]

Sometimes people are more cursory in their day to day interactions. However, new technology and the new opportunities it provides for communicating also enables more frequent and constant interactions between partners who might be separated by time and space. Texting, example, enables a couple to create a space where they continue to share intimacy.

[Evelyn]

My twenty-four-year-old son points out that males learn to contain their emotions because when they express emotions, someone could end up with a bloody nose. There's something to what he says, and it's useful to consider the difference between males and females when it comes to the "general emotional displays" described by Greg.