Choosing To Be Together

Posted by: Vix the Over-Educated Nympho
Topic: Why do you think so many couples split up once they are “empty nesters” – once the kids are independent?

I agree with Margo Z about the choice of topics the last few weeks being a bit of a downer, so I will play devil's advocate on a topic that needs a little love.

My parents have been married--to each other, first time--for well over thirty years. If my father's ass-grabs and mother's squeals are any indication, they still dig each other after all that time. It's sweet in a really gross "LA LA LA I'm not thinking about it!" kind of way.

As the oldest I moved out years ago. My youngest brother has been gone for only three. It never even occurred to me that my parents might split up once we left them empty-nesters because their nest was still plenty full without us. Jeez, if anything they needed the room.

My parents started working together when I was still in high school. Mom worked out of the house and Dad helped out on weekends. While I was in college he called it quits on sixty hour weeks of Corporate America and started dividing his time between consulting and working with my mother--both jobs which leave him padding around the house in cut-offs and flip-flops, "like some d*** hippie" according to Mom.

When they first started working together I was concerned because I thought spending that much extra time together might put a magnifying glass on all the little issues every couple has and turn them into a bonfire. They must have done something to keep those little issues in check, because there were two very strong personalities that could have exploded after prolonged exposure.

Maybe being together in a professional capacity helped make their relationship more balanced? Would their relationship be as tight if they had a passion for the same hobby or traveled the world together like other fifty-something couples? What does it take to keep a couple going once "Mom and Dad" are back to "husband and wife"?

Maybe it's not a matter of having something specific that ties them together after the kids leave--maybe it's really about having stayed connected all along, through the uncomfortable pregnancies, 3 am pukings, and teenage black-fingernail-polish phase. What is it that keeps couples together through that when it's not "for the sake of the children"?

There's a photo I have of my parents that has been my favorite for years in spite of the terrible fluorescent lighting and cropped talking heads. It's a close-up of my father getting in my mother's face with his mouth wide open in an intimidating growl, which she returns with a cheeky pucker-up and closed eyes. I love that photo because it is sooo Mom and Dad. There is so much personality and so much history in that tiny moment, more than I could ever understand.

Kids? What kids?

They aren't together "for the sake of the children" (a choice that friends of mine often resented growing up, saying they would be happier if their parents just got divorced already). They are together because they choose to be together. They aren't doing it for the kids, for finances, or for appearances. Waking up next to each other is a daily reminder that they still choose to be together after all these years.

It gives the cynics like me the hope that I will be in my own version of that photo one day.

Comments

[Becca]

I don't ever plan on having children, so "staying together after the kids are gone" is a non-issue for me. I do hope that when I find somebody that's willing to take me as I am and love me anyway, that it'll be just as great in 25 years as it is in the beginning.

My mother and stepfather work together, live together, and do just about every tiny little thing together. At first I thought it was a little unhealthy to spend that much time with somebody, but according to my mother the reason why is because they just can't get enough of each other and don't need any outside stimulation. It works for them, so who am I to judge?

[Margo Z]

Vix, I've got your number, grrrl. You're no cynic. You're a :::gasp::: romantic! (Promise I won't tell.)

[Astryd]

Sadly, many times when a couple is together, what connects them are the children. Possibly unknowingly, the couple have gotten 'comfortable' in the routine of their lives and their focus on their children is key that when the children are gone they are each forced to face each other and any problems that may have been masked by more 'important' things on their list of priorities. Then they're forced to accept that these issues must be remedied for the sake of each others happiness and in some cases sanity. While the relationship may still be salvaged many may feel that it is only time wasted (from lack of love or desire to fight/work for the success of the relationship) and decide to move on without the other. The decision to separate is much easier made without having to add the effect of it on the children or their upbringing as a variable. Some people prefer the easy way out.

[Cynthia]

That is completely adorable. Things like that give me hope that maybe I will have a relationship of my own like that one day. My parents are in the category as "still together for the sake of the children". My mother does not particularly enjoy my father's company and my father does not particularly enjoy most of the things my mother enjoys. He stays in his room and she stays in her room, though they sleep in the same bed. They have been together for 20 or so years.

[Justin]

I'm with the two above me. My folks split after the youngest left the nest. They were just to lazy to make it work, or lost the will to make it work.

[Joanna]

Hello again, I am not sure how much this applies since I have yet to have a child with my current sig. other. I do have a son from previous...I know that in my current relationship it wasn't the children that would keep us together. Funny thing is, when we go out to have some alone romantic time, we talk about my son! It is rather funny because once you become a parent your WHOLE life is totally changed. Anyways, that is sort of beyond the scope of this topic. All I know is that Matt and I are a perfect fit, kids or no kids. I hope it always stays that way =)

[Gregg]

Speaking as someone with over 30 years with the same partner, staying together is 50% hard work and commitment and the other 50% is luck.

In the beginning, people are attracted to each other because they fill some unmet deep-seated need in the other.

The hard work comes in really putting your relationship first and striving to be the best partner you can be.

The luck comes when you are both growing and evolving. As we evolve our needs change. (How many times have you heard "He/she is not the person I fell in love with.") The lucky partners both grow in such a way that they continue to satisfy each other as the new needs come and go. I envy those people. Those couples continue to have strong and passionate relationships.

Or you can do like many couples, give up on the passion and just be satisfied with being good household partners. Raise kids together, manage the household, plan for retirement and be on loving and respectful terms with each other.

For those who aren't lucky enough to have partners that grow with us and don't want to settle for "domestic happiness", it leaves us with few options.

I and my partner are still working on our relationship. I am lucky enough to be married to a wonderful woman who is an excellent partner and mother to our children. But, when it comes to the loving center of our relationship, we are unable to meet each other needs despite years of couple's therapy.

It's certainly not the place I ever imagined we would end up. Not after the first 15 years, which were so truly blissful for us both or the following 10 years, which were better than most couples ever have.

But, now we are in our early fifties and with no improvement in sight, it's getting close to a gentle goodbye.

I envy the lucky ones....