Love is a Choice

Posted by: Wendy Shalit
Topic: Are two people really and truly meant to stay together forever…or should we embrace more of a serial long-term relationship model for happiness?

Recently, I flew out to attend a friend's wedding. Of course, all weddings are special in their own way but this one was extra special because the bride had survived cancer. Everyone in attendance was so touched to be there, and to share these wonderful moments with the happy couple.

One highlight for me was when the elderly grandparents of the groom took the dance floor and did a graceful Foxtrot.  They looked to be in their mid-eighties and all the 300 guests stopped and  marveled at how in love the pair still looked.   

The day after, I cornered this adorable grandma at an after-wedding celebration, fetched her a Coke, and asked her for tips on staying married.  She replied that "it's very simple, actually"; things change, and "nothing in marriage is as you expect it," but you just have to hang on.  "If you just go with it, you change together and you'll see, it's worth it."

I was surprised--and a little sad--by her later telling someone else that I was her "favorite" guest, because really, I hadn't talked to her for very long, nor done anything particularly special for her.  All I did was ask for her opinion! Which apparently, no one had done for a long time.

We can endlessly debate whether we're hardwired for serial monogamy or fidelity, because evidence points in both directions. It always will, because that's where our free will and our humanity comes in.  What it comes down to, I think, is that love is a choice.

Comments

[im killer]

i just wanted to say you look freeeken hot and id like to try and marry you and its my choise the only thing seems to me that when i get married i would try staying together im 30 now

[Collins]

Sorry to the poster above, but Wendy is already married.

I LOVE THE

[Sherri Riddle]

Wow....I can't believe how much I have thought and wrote about changes in marriage after saying I do. Little grandma had it right about now to have a successful marriage. She said it was simple and it can be just like she said. You have to be adaptable. You know....we learn the best lessons in life at the feet of the elderly...we just have to listen to what they are saying. They have already walked the path and experience the ups and downs of life and marriage. Therefore, so true....Succeeding in Marriage is about change. From the moment we say I do, everything starts to change. However, tt seems most couples expectations of marriage get stuck living in their premarital existence when the relationship was free of responsibilities, no children, few financial demands. Quickly marriage can deteriorate from the inability to live in the now and grow with change instead of the premarital state when romance was independent, exciting, and romantic. Change is essential in marriage because from the minute we say I do....everything is different. We start living together full time and getting a full time taste of each other habits, morals and manners and this can become a problem once the marriage becomes relaxed. Then, trouble can begin. Not to mention, sexual desires change due to the tremendous amount of responsibilies that instantly change after the ceremony. Couples often grow into loveless, sexless marriage because they simply do not adapt to the changes in the marriage. Therefore, is seems the intimacy connection is the first to become affected. Couples simply fail to recoginize change as it is presents itself. Therefore, couples often grow into a disconnected relationship. Sadly, couples love connection deteriorates and they do not know when, how, or where the relationship when wrong.....Happy marriages are so important to me, I could go on about thia all day....please read more at www.marriage-sexless.com.

[JennyB]

I think that it depends on your views. Some people think there is only one perfect person for them. Others think that they can find someone who is right for them but there are others out there that may also be good for them. I read this great article on vdateonline.com in the forum page about how to know if you're with the right person. I think the most important thing is that the person you are with makes you happy and loves you for you.

[Sherri Riddle]

Sadly, people fall in love, marry...then the honeymoon is quickly over. It seems, love and intimacy deteriorate rapidly. As a result, the couple seems to believe they no longer are suitable for each other. From these feelings, one or maybe both believe they marriaged the wrong person....you know...they didn't marry their soul mate. As a result, one or both feel they have nothing in common and the marriage begins to fall apart. Love and intimacy fall apart due to deterioration in their connection. Being connected as soul mates and staying connected as mates takes daily maintenance. This is the main ingredient in marriage and intimacy that is quickly dismissed, overlooked, misunderstood, and forgotten. Love and intimacy after the ceremony takes maintenance due to the daily changes and demands upon their personal lives. These demands can change their views upon their love, and intimate relationship with their mate and not understand what and where things went wrong. Sadly, a marriage can be filled with void, sadness, loneliness, anger, resentment, sexless, or violence when it can otherwise be intimate and lasting with an understanding of now we need to manage our marriage.