An Indecent Interval

Posted by: Dan Savage
Topic: A couple decides to divorce. At what point after they separate should they start dating other people?

This question presumes that one half of the couple-under-discussion wasn't already dating other people, a fact-on-the-ground that often leads to a decision to divorce. But for the sake of argument let's picture half of a couple that decides to divorce without another man or woman already on the scene.

At what point should this person start dating again?

That depends. This is another question that I hear a lot, and when folks ask it they typically want a number—three months, six months, nine months. But there is no hard and fast number, no rule of thumb, no Miss Manners' Recommended Pseudo Grieving Period. We have to make our own calls. A decent interval that that might seem appropriate for one half of Couple A might seem like a few thousand years in purgatory for one half of Couple B.

But while I don't want to give a hard number, I will list a few things that a newly single person should take into consideration before dating again.

Children: However happy you are to be rid of the ex, however ready you are to move on with your life, I can guarantee you that your children won't be ready to see you dating as quickly as you're ready to date. If you have kids, figure out how much time you need before you're ready to start dating. Then double it.

Trauma: If your divorce was traumatic—and precious few are anything else—a rapid return to the dating scene is cliche rebound behavior. It's not emotionally wise, and it's unfair to anyone unlucky enough to date you. If you're still measuring your separation in weeks and you feel yourself inclined to date, it's too soon.

Proximity: If your divorce was amicable—as a precious few are—you don't want to be cruel to your ex, however at peace he or she may seem with your mutual, respectful decision to divorce. You will both be dating other people, of course, but a decent respect for each other's feelings requires you not to rub each others' noses in it. If you're still seeing each other regularly—to wrap things up, to finish the paperwork, to sell the house—wait or date very discretely. And if, God forbid, your economic situation requires you to continue living together for the time being, don't date. Wait.