Full Disclosure? No Thanks!

Posted by: Dan Savage
Topic: Is it OK for couples to keep big secrets (credit-card debt, plastic surgery, etc) as long as they don’t involve infidelity?

I've often said... and I still believe... that a relationship is not a deposition. Not only are you not required to answer every question truthfully, no relationship could long survive the kind of "full disclosure" reveal-a-thon that so many backers of "honesty" seem to support. All healthy, lasting, long-term relationship are built on a foundation of lies—from the outset. When you first meet someone you don't present your honest & true self to them, warts and all, so that they can make an informed choice about dating you. Nope, you present the best possible version of yourself, a sort of Potemkin boyfriend/girlfriend. And then, if the person sticks around, if he or she falls for this idealized person you were pretending to be, you're really stuck—for the rest of your life you have to live up to the lies you told about yourself, you have to try to be the wonderful, perfect, wholly fictional person you were on that first date or during those first few months.

And here's the magic: if you live up to the lies long enough... you can make the lies come true. Relationships can sometimes make us better people because we have to make good on our deceitful, lying presentation of ourselves.

However... and you knew there'd be a "but"...

There are lies that involve stuff your lover doesn't need or want to know, and then there are lies involving stuff that your love has a right to know. I would definitely file "credit card debt" under "right to know," since anyone that marries you can be held legally liable for your credit card debt. A little plastic surgery long before you met? I would file that under ""doesn't need to know" as it has no impact, no consequences, on your spouse or your relationship. Used to be a man? Right to know. Had gay sex once in college? Doesn't need to know. Family mobbed up? Right to know. Etc.

The trouble, of course, is that no completely exhaustive list separating "doesn't need to know" items from "right to know" items has ever been compiled. We all have to make up our own, and we have to use our common sense when we debate disclosure v. omission. And that's where the trouble comes in. If I've learned anything writing a sex-advice column lo these many years, it's that common sense is lacking. If I ruled the world I'd have it put in the water supply, like freakin' fluoride.

Comments

[J]

Hm... I think this depends on the people and the phase of the relationship. The best relationships I've seen have been almost totally honest and open from day one. These relationships have resulted in life-long friendships even if the "relationship" had to end.

OTOH... some of the worst relationship failures I've seen were due to honesty being very difficult for a partner to hear and to provide. It wasn't necessarily that what was being said was difficult, but the honesty and communication itself were foreign and unnatural. 'at least at that time in the relationship. It was overwhelming or scary. Admittedly perhaps it might have also been the case what was held in the person's heart really wasn't suitable for sharing that early in the relationship, which made it stressful to feel they had to be honest and ring a bell that they felt they could not unring. And admittedly some people haven't built up the conflict resolution skills to comfortably jump in to such conversations without gradual practice.

For most couples, it's better to first enjoy themselves and accrue a large balance of good times before delving in to deep and honest and potentially unsettling discussions. Even then, those conversations often need to appear gradually.

Bottom line... honesty can be awesome for some relationships, but it might not be for everyone all the time.

[Deborah]

It would be better if you were fully open, though. I just came from a divorce, and from what we've both gathered, it was mostly due to the secrets we both kept. I've been reading this ebook, which I have linked to, that says that it's the little secrets that snowball into what could eventually become a big argument later on.

Decrets suck!! My husband kept several secrets from me and now I don't believe a thing he tells me. I am trying, but he betrayed my trust, and even though I am really trying, I don't love him any more. He met a female friend while onh business. Is it normal for her to text him several times a day? Why did he hide this from me? We tried therapy but he refused to go after four times. He thinks because he tells me when he sees her everything is ok. It is not. I do not believe that a married guy buys a female friend expensive gifts for her birthday. How do I stop hating him?

[RJ]

Great post. The truth be told we are never truly 100% honest with anyone. It would be dishonest to say that we have always been honest with someone. In turn, is it really that bad to keep secrets? No! I agree on the harm based philosophy-if someone is getting harmed then perhaps one’s actions could constitute doing something “wrong.” However, if a partner is keeping secrets in a relationship as long as the other person does not find out or gets hurt who is getting harmed?

With the concept of infidelity, if one has a lover and/or mistress and their spouse is not aware of this, what wrong is happening? Who is getting harmed? Things would be different if that extra marital affair was harming the person’s relationship with their spouse and/or family. However, if one were able to have “infidelity secrets” and their spouse never found out and their relationship was not being hurt how could one purport that a “wrong” is occurring?

Contrary to others’ beliefs I do not necessarily believe that an extra marital affair is ALWAYS an indicator that the relationship is in trouble. Think about it: we share many dynamics of ourselves with others. At work we share our intellectual dynamic with our co-workers and/or clients. This is societally acceptable. No one would look down on anyone if they were married and sharing their intellectual component with someone other than their spouse. However, if someone were married and were to share their sexual dynamic with anyone other than their spouse this would be considered a societal taboo. Why is this the case? I have yet to hear a solid argument and welcome anyone who can present such an argument that is contrary to this one.

I dare to ask, what would be so wrong with infidelity if the party being cheated on a) never found out and b) was not being negatively impacted as a result of the affair?

[Jose]

It's all about consent. If someone doesn't consent to their partner having sexual liasons on a don't ask don't tell basis then it is not harmless. There is no way to guarantee 100% that the non-consensual party will not find out. It might be thrilling to a sociopath, but probably not for their unsuspecting partner. People are intuitive and will notice 'things', have dreams, etc. They may even build up the courage to ask and it is at this point that, unless the 'cheater' is willing to fess up, a lie or omission will commence and the harm has been done. It sounds like someone is attached to having their cake and eating it, too.

[James]

My wife and I have become honest with who we are to each other. That helps us in many ways. We talk about the big and little things that shaped us as people while growing up, what we think about issues, etc. I am not afraid of getting to know the real her. That helps us to lovingly help each other overcome personal and shared issues together.

Now that I have a greater understanding of her personality, I withhold unnecessary stressful things that I handle fine, only if I know for certain that she would not care to know in the first place. If there is doubt in my mind I let her know that she can tell me to stop sharing with her when she begins to be frustrated or aggravated.

I am so blessed to know my beautiful wife, deeply, honestly, and passionately. I have put that dynamic in my article Intimate Marriage and hope that it can spur other married couples to do the same.