Fade to Gray

Posted by: Dan Savage
Conversation about: Infidelity—what else?

Today Wendy wrote...

A marriage without intimacy is indeed a poor imitation of a marriage, but to me the next step would be to make a serious effort to seek help. Have they gone to marital counseling? Sex therapy? Has his wife had her TSH (thyroid) levels checked? (Being hypothyroid commonly puts a damper on the female sex drive.) It sounds like he is closing off in response to her closing off--which may be why medications have had no effect on him. Has he taken his wife out to a romantic dinner and told her how much he misses the physical aspect of their relationship? There are at least 20 related questions I would ask such a man. He's presenting the affair as the "only" humane solution, but I would challenge that.

I don't believe that a marriage without intimacy is necessarily a poor imitation of a marriage. There are lots of loving, mutually fulfilling and completely sexless marriages out there. I realize that I'm the sex-obsessed sex-advice columnist here, but sometimes we place too much importance on sex. Oh, it's important, but I don't think sex has to define a marriage, or every marriage. If a marriage is loving and both partners are happy, it's a good, loving marriage whether they're getting it on every hour on the hour of not getting it on at all. But, again, only if both people are happy with what they're getting or not getting, as the case may be.

As to Wendy's point about all the many hoops a married person should be asked to jump through before he's even allowed to contemplate an affair... well, what if someone has tried all of that and it didn't do any good? I get letters every day from men and women that are unhappy in sexless marriages and most have tried counseling, romantic meals, sex therapy, hormone level tests, and on and on, to no avail. They're writing to me because they're at the end of their ropes—and, I think, because they know that I will, if they have tried everything, give them permission to have that affair.

So I would challenge Wendy: Supposing someone has tried everything? At what point is a husband or wife allowed to stop banging his or her head against the wall and seek intimacy elsewhere?

We live in a deeply sex-negative culture—which is why the spouse that wants to have sex is regarded as the "problem spouse" in a sexless marriage. Once everything has been tried, and everything has failed, we turn to the "problem spouse" and say, "Can't you just go without? Or, hey, maybe there's something you haven't tried yet?" We shift all responsibility for the problem onto the shoulders of the denied spouse—he or she hasn't thought about it enough, worked on it hard enough, tried every solution on our list. And if he or she has tried everything on the list, we add a few more things to the list. And then, in a final bid to prevent the lesser evil (cheating), we insist that the only reasonable, responsible thing to do is divorce your spouse before you seek sex elsewhere. And we do this because we know that most people don't want to divorce their spouses for sex. If they fall for this advice, they'll stay and stay miserable—forever.

To live in a constant state of sexual deprivation and rejection is a misery; to subject someone to sexual rejection year after year, decade after decade, is to do real emotional violence to that person. It is a kind of abuse.

Eventually people get sick of asking, and give up—because they've tried everything, and nothing has worked. And then they start making allowances and adjustments, and they find themselves doing things that they never imagined they would—like cheating. And sometimes people have to cheat—for their own sanity and, ironically, to preserve their marriages.

Comments

[Not Given]

There are some clear sex differences in ability to "go along" with sex in marriages. I worked at a company that made penile implants for men with erectile dysfunction. It's major surgery with significant risks that men don't generally undergo unless they feel the benefits clearly outweigh the risks. I don't know of cases, other than possibly certain African procedures which are illegal here, which prevent a woman from having intercourse in the same way that complete erectile dysfunction inhibits a man. Comments

[rbreuner]

If everything has been tried then maybe it is time to think about the sexual experience wanted instead of the lack of it. That is, if you can accept the outcome you are wanting or something even better.

Rich

[Oren Amitay]

Of all the writings I've read on "love," which I hope is relevant to this discussion in most people's eyes, nothing has more succinctly and cogently captured its different elements, IMO, as has Robert Sternberg's "Triangular Theory of Love." If you type these four words into wiki, You can read up on it.

You can also type those words into google and find a website or three which contain the questions used to determine where you rank with respect to each "type" of love. Some of these sites also show you how to determine your actual score, but you can probably get a good estimate of what type of love you want or have with your current partner.

I use this theory not only in my classes but also with many of my patients/clients who have relationship difficulties that may stem from unrealistic or unreasonable expectations for their partner and/or relationship.

PS

I would link some sites that pertain to this theory, but I'm afraid that doing so will alert the spam guards and prevent my posting this...

[Collins]

I've heard of another alternative to sit'ns like this: polyamory. Literally meaning "many loves," it's an arrangement whereby a person can have many lovers, provided they all know about each other, no one does any sneaking around, etc. A man could have one woman be his wife in they eyes of the law, & have other women on the side, about whom he tells her right from the start. Or a woman could have one man be her husband in the eyes of the law, & have other men on the side, about whom she tells him right from the start. Of course, the workability of this arrangement would depend on whether the primary partner would be comfy with it--what values he/she was raised with, how open he/she is to trying new things, etc.

The premise of polyamory is that no one person can meet all of the needs of another. Depending on the preferences & comfort levels of all concerned, polyamory can be an antidote to the various problems Dan talks about here.

[Jennie]

I REALLY miss Ed Young! I think when it comes to cheating, lying (not telling you significant "secrets") and stealing, he would have some very common sense comments like: "Do unto others as you would have done unto you". No wonder our society is in so much trouble...

[T]

I Disagree, a sexless marriage is indeed a poor excuse for one. Without the level of intimacy and even the companionship of a active sex life, neither partner CAN be happy with the marriage. Marriage without sex is marriage without romantic love, which is only a contractual arrangement. The one rejecting, be it man or woman, is not only rejecting the others interest, but that person as a whole. Thus, leaving the rejected partner not only frustrated, but unloved as well.

[T]

Sexual rejection, especially by someone who vowed to "love, honor and cleave unto" you is devastating. It leaves you feeling unattractive and undesirable. You may internalize this rejection and blame yourself by thinking you are not attractive enough; sexy enough, thin enough, smart enough. Their actions will give root to unhealthy beliefs about yourself and your value as a person. There is the danger of depression, loss of hope, you may feel old before your time and there is certainly a sense of shame. Shame over the fact that your own spouse does not desire you. This shame keeps you from sharing your problems with someone else. You find yourself with no support system and the growing belief that there must be something terribly wrong with you. Any spouse that would intentionally make their partner feel inadequate is certainly not one worth crying over, or clinging on too. It is ridiculous to label any relationship with a cheating spouse as healthy, or meaningful.

[Dave]

Relationship solutions at
www.hackyourlove.com

[Cheating Husband]

Honestly, when do you shout that enough is enough?

Try as you might, but eventually your actions are similar to kicking a dead horse.

When does one decide to tuck tail and run?

[David]

I really like the comments provided in this article. While I have no intention of ever cheating on my wife, and I never will, it is interesting to see some of the theories provide here. Polyamory, for example, is addressed by polygamy. Though we typically view the whole situation as sick (and it is illegal), the women are given most of everything they need -- the man typcially does not provide a woman with enough communication, friendship, and emotional support so "sister" wives are around that can provide that for them. The man provides shelter, food, and protection. The man, on the other hand, is almost never given enough sex from one woman to be completely content, and therefore has many wifes to fill that function. It's crazy stuff, but supports the theory of workable polyamory.

There needs to be compromise in filling sexual needs -- but I do think far too often the man is ridiculed and given a pretty much impossible situation to work with. For a need so easily solved in a matter of minutes, it sure seems like it would be a lot easier to serve one's husband happily than have the husband fighting for hours on end to provide the PERFECT atmosphere necessary for the wife to enjoy it once a year :(

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There are lots of loving, mutually fulfilling and completely sexless marriages out there.

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While I have no intention of ever cheating on my wife, and I never will, it is interesting to see some of the theories provide here.

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