Dating While Out-of-Town

Posted by:  Wendy Shalit
Topic: How many people can a person/should a person date at one time?

In 1999, Vanity Fair quoted an unnamed source who smeared me with the dark accusation that I was a "serial dater."  It felt unjust, and not just because I was 23 at the time and had gone out with about three guys in my entire life thus far. I wondered:  Aren't most people "serial daters" to the extent that they're seeking to find the right person?  I called my parents to vent, and that's when Dad the economist mused,

"Better a serial dater than a parallel dater!"  He did have a point. 

On the other hand, once upon a less enlightened time, women used to "parallel" date all over town; it was rare to have merely one "beau."  Of course, having a beau entailed collecting chocolate and flowers more than it involved sexual favors, so it really wasn't as horribly torrid as it seems.  (Or perhaps it was, with all that mystery and so many barriers to desire.)  Some would argue that the lack of physical involvement was key, and it explains how young couples were able to  shop around and explore their options with minimal heartbreak. 

Similarly, among those dating in a traditional Jewish context today, you can also find that parallel dating has a small following. Normally, when young men and women are fixed up, they are set up just one at a time.  However, in unusual situations where a man is coming in from out of town for the purposes of dating, he becomes (drumroll, please) something called an "out-of-towner," and someone for whom normal rules are bent just a teeny bit. Thus, a minority among the religious will defend an "out of town" boy being set up on two dates with two separate girls, shocking as this may seem. (This is before he knows which one will work out; I've never heard of anyone continuing with two girls simultaneously beyond a first date.)

Out-of-towners such as these will have their defenders (usually, their mothers) and their detractors (the girls) but I confess I've never been a fan of this practice, even among those who minimize physical involvement before marriage. I still think it's hard to assess if you can really open up to a person when your mind is "out of town," so to speak, and when you're constantly comparing to another.  Do what works for you, obviously, but I think first and foremost, intimacy requires focus. 

So I guess Vanity Fair was right, and I'm simply an unrepentent fan of serial dating. 

Although, here's wishing that the "series" will end for you very soon, and that you meet someone fabulous. From in or out of town.

Comments

[Sogdiana]

Hallo dr.Helen!
Can You help my, please! Am from Uzbekistan, from Samarkand sity, as zip code is 140100, but it is does not work, if I complite my profile. Whath can I do? Sorry, my endlish is weak. Thank you, Sogdiana.

[Sogdiana]

Hallo dr.Helen!
Can You help my, please! Am from Uzbekistan, from Samarkand sity, as zip code is 140100, but it is does not work, if I complite my profile. Whath can I do? Sorry, my endlish is weak. Thank you, Sogdiana.

[Tan (matchmaking) Quan]

Interesting article. I believe people should date, date, and date (call it serial dating or whatver you like) until they find the right person. I belive younger people these days do not practice this philosophy enough which is why divorce rates are higher than ever.

Just my thoughts :-)

[Mattress]

"Better a serial dater than a parallel dater!" Right on!