Posted by Dan Savage
Responding to Wendy Shalit on Flirting

Wendy, in her post on flirting Wednesday, came out strongly against married/partnered people flirting with others, describing it as "toxic" and citing a "heartbreakingly sad" email she recently received. A man wrote to Wendy about his wife. This woman flirted with a neighbor and now she's...

...having affairs with our neighbors, my friends from high school, divorced and married men at my kids school, and many, many more I am still un-aware of. My kids and I were living in an environment where secrets were kept from us, my wife's collection of lies and deceit became so large that it was destroying friendships and families on a grand scale. I had to move out of that neighborhood just to keep my sanity . . . If I leave her she will not be able to support herself or our kids, the men she ends up with are at best undesirable. .. If I leave her these men will gain influence on my kids.

That is a tragic story—horrifying. That's some despicable behavior. And so we should avoid flirting at all costs, Wendy says, because it can "ruin lives," see above.

It seems to me, though, that it wasn't flirting that turned this man's wife from a sober, committed, monogamous married lady into a rapacious, lying, cheating monster stalking the cul-de-sacs or suburban America. I know everyone else came out against flirting on Wednesday... but the fact is, we all flirt. We can't help it. We're wired for it. And the vast majority of us flirt now and then, innocently, without screwing half of Cincinnati.

And someone that flirts a bit now and then—innocently, to feel desirable, because sometimes you're flirting before you even aware that you're flirting—shouldn't be told that he or she is on a slippery slope that skids inevitably toward whoredom. If flirting with others lead to the kind of out-of-control behavior described in the letter Wendy received, we would all be whores and we would all be married to whores. Because everybody flirts.

Reading the blog on Wednesday was like listening to a bunch of boomer parents, dope-smokers one and all, tell their kids that "drugs are bad, mmkay?" Flirting can be dangerous, sure, if you're the kind of person who can't honor your monogamous commitment and stop at simply flirting. But flirting is something we all engage in, most often subconsciously, during our interactions with folks we find attractive—whether we're supposed to or not, whether we like it not, whether we've sworn to or not. Above the neck we may be socialized toward monogamous commitments and all agree that flirting is bad, mmkay, but below the neck we're not built for monogamy.

Which doesn't mean that we shouldn't be monogamous, if we've committed to monogamy, and that flirting, if you have no self control, can't present a threat to a marriage. But if flirting is "toxic" to relationships... all of our relationships would be poisoned by now. Because we may all officially be against it, but we all do it.

Comments

[ted]

As usual, Dan always offer the wisest and most practical perceptions to common and unique situations...

Thank you Dan!

[MIchelle]

I totally agree with you, Dan. I flirt with everybody in my office, including the gay VP (who unconsciously flirts back with a somewhat puzzled expression). You aren't gonna convince me he's on the slippery slope to straightdom any more than you can convince me in six months I'll be the office whore.

[Laura]

Flirting and being flamboyant are two different things. I think that poor guy in the article has unfortunately gotton the two mixed up. EVERYONE " flirts " or shall I say so simply, ' Co-exist ' with all living things. To be kind to one and all seems to be classified as flirting. It is crucial to keep a good relationship with co-workers, neighbors, in-laws...everyone; and in doing so, 'flirting' occurs. Flirting is not necessarily always of a sexual nature; it's showing exceptional interest in another while in their company. Whooppiiee. That guy's wife was a cheater..once a cheater, always a cheater.

[Hawaii]

My ex was a mega flirt.He made sure I noticed at restaurants,movies,parties,family BBQ's. But oh,heaven forbid I greet my own male family members with a hug.Major fall out.The boy (notice I don't say"man") was a sick puppy.Good riddence.