Alone

Posted by: Dan Savage
Topic: Are some people unlovable? What would you say to a person who has been trying and trying to forge a relationship yet is still completely alone?

Are some people unlovable?

Yes.

That sounds harsh, I realize, but the question is phrased in such a way that it's impossible to answer honestly without sounding harsh. And for the record: the "unlovable" in this sentence doesn't mean unlovable in the Hitler/Pol Pot/Jim Jones sense, but "unlovable" in the "will never find a romantic partner" sense. Even people who never find a romantic partner are loved by family and friends. But we're not discussing familial love or friendships here. We're discussing romantic love—SOs, LTRs, marriage. And the sad fact is that some people are, indeed, unlovable in that sense. Some people are going to be alone all their lives. Some people shouldn't be told "there's someone out there for everyone!" because there isn't someone out there for them.

Harsh, harsh, harsh.

I wouldn't normally just blurt out, "Some people are unlovable, so deal!" I would prefer to phrase it like this: Some folks, men and women, gay and straight, are destined to be alone. It may be due to some deep-seated character flaw, or some insurmountable social maladaptation, or simple bad luck. But facts are facts: some folks are going to be alone all their lives no amount of going out or speed dating or introspection is going to change that.

Unfortunately there's no way to know for certain that you're one of those people— unlucky in love for life—until... well, until you're life is over. Some people find love at 50, 60, 70, even 80. So we can't ever tell someone to give up for good because, hey, you never know. But I do tell people that have been unlucky in love for a decade or two to consider the possibility that they may well be alone all their lives. Instead of telling themselves that they'll never be happy until they find a partner—that they're somehow incomplete, that they've failed at life, that single people have a duty to be miserable—I encourage these folks to think about how they can be single and happy.

Once someone has reconciled himself to the possibility that he's going to be alone all his life, he can start to think about other ways of being fulfilled, other ways of being happy. Besides romantic love, what else interests you? What else are you passionate about? What can you fill your life with that will give it meaning and bring you pleasure?

Dr. Helen says "keep trying," and a lot of folks would agree that her advice is sound and compassionate. But some folks, frustrated after many years of trying, need to hear "give up," and they'll be happier once they do.

Comments

[AN]

I'm 27, a nice guy, well-educated, struggle with my weight (although I am getting closer to where I should be), and have been on about ten dates in my life, all relatively uneventful, even though I thought they were going well. I came to the conclusion that maybe I am "unloveable" and that's okay- it doesn't make living any less worthwhile.

I guess the question is: how do we as a society work with a person who is unloveable? If you take away the reproductive imperative, human life does in many ways become devoid of one of its traditional goals, which is the perpetuating of human life. When that's gone what do you tell a person? How do you reconcile that with people who are constantly experiencing symptoms of depression and hopelessness?

In other words, how does a person begin to work to fill a space that relationships would normally occupy in their lives? How do we as a society begin to re-define our perceptions of those not in relationships as pitiable people?

[G]

AN - You are only 27!! That is YOUNG! You can't write yourself off as being unlovable when you are still trying to figure out who you are as an individual.

[V]

I think it's terrible to say "give up". Yes, people need to find other things that make them happy aside from a relationship, but also their seeming luck (or lack of) could do with unrealistic idealizations about a partner could be derailing them from an otherwise potentially successful relationship. Perhaps when one starts seeing others for who they are, instead of the image that the media says we should be, people may find partners suited for them. Sometimes you gotta take chances.

[A Guy]

How can anyone tell a person that they should reside to the fact that they should be single. God made all of us to have a mate. The issues is most people are reashing for the unreachable in today life styles. You don't have to have the cake and Ice cream to be happy. and for sure the Big house, the big bank accounts do not buy happiness, yet somemany people place these 1st, and then Love and a quality sexual relationship 1st. It is truly sad...

[Dan Savage]

I think it's far crueler to tell people, against all the evidence, that there's "someone out there for everyone." We know that's not the case--some people *are* alone all their lives. Which means, A Guy, that clearly there isn't someone out there for everyone.

Sometimes telling people to keep trying encourages a false hope, not a realistic one, and succeeds only in making them more miserable. I'm not saying we should advise people to be miserable and alone, I'm saying we should advise people to think about a single life that they would find fulfilling--we should all think about a single life we could find fulfilling, as there's a chance that we will, all of us, wind up alone at some point in our lives.

[Leigh]

I have been loved, many times, but I'm 43 now and basically no longer interested in falling in love or being in a relationship. And a lot of people would have me believe that, despite my indifference, somehow, some way, I'm going to fall in love again. Like falling in love is akin to catching the flu or something.

It isn't. To fall in love, to be loved in return, you're going to have to work to make it happen by making yourself socially and emotionally available, by exposing yourself to situations that might bring you into contact with a potential partner, etc. If you're not doing these things, it isn't going to happen for you.

Perhaps it isn't fair of me to say, but I personally believe being coupled up is waaaay overrated. I have good friends whom I enjoy, but I know for a fact I'd enjoy them a LOT less if I had to live with any one of them. I like my life quite a bit, and am not really willing to restructure it to accomodate someone else at this point. I have kids--both teenagers--who still require some fairly hands-on mothering, and a demanding job.

And as cynical as it may sound, most of the long-term relationships I see around me are in the crapper or rapidly headed that direction. Who needs the heartache?

I bothered to write all this because I'm getting tired of my love of my independence being written off as a temporary condition or worse, some weird character failing.

It's okay to be alone, it really is. And it's okay to enjoy it.

(BTW, I'm only here to read Dan Savage's posts. Because I have a HUGE crush on him, which blissfully remain unrequited for any number of reasons, but mostly cause I'm female.)

[James]

Dan Savage, you are so full of crap.

Romantic Love is out there for everyone. It doesn't matter what you look like, how much money you make or what kind of mistakes you think you've made in the past. The thing about love is that there are NO RULES. Sure, it's not easy to find, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. Folks, please don't let a stupid advice column get your spirits down about finding love. There IS someone out there for everyone.

[LaTanya]

Leigh shut up. Bitter old hag.

[WDN]

Well I have to agree with the partner. There isn't someone for everyone, this is obvious and there are a number of reasons why a person can end up alone. We do a disservice to people in our society with this idealistic notion that there is someone out there 'just for us'. So what if we do not meet this special someone? It amounts to telling people that there is something wrong with them or that they are doing something wrong and though this may be true for some it isn't for all. I'm 40+ and tired of hearing of this 'special someone'because wherever he may be he sure isn't with me! I think the article speaks truth, not a truth most would like to hear but still yet the truth. Both my mother and grandmother lived their lives alone. They had romances and husbands in the past but in the end spent the bulk of their lives alone. It happens.

[Cosmelita]

There's definitely not someone for everyone. There's no one for me. I struggle with this, but seriously, when I am in a healthy environment and growing a beautiful garden and losing myself in writing and the beauty of the world, I almost don't mind that I'm not sharing it with anyone. I am only truly upset about my chronic alone-ness when other people bring it up, and trust me, as a relatively pretty woman, it's brought up OFTEN. It's only when people ask that "where's your boyfriend?" question as though I'm the catch of the century that I feel questions of supernatural inadequacy rising into my mind. If I went the rest of my life without anyone trying to push the romance myth down my throat, I would die happy. The social brainwashing in regards to love is the malaise I suffer from the most, not the singleness. I'm just glad that I'm finally old enough to have looks weigh less heavily in my daily affairs - the only thing worse than being rejected is being rejected while hearing guys whisper behind your back, staring at your butt. Here's to getting older!

[millie]

I lived most of my almost 40 years on this earth alone. I fell in love for the first time about 11 years ago. Remained in a noncommital LTR with this person. In the past 11 years I have been called every name in the book, physically, emotionally and verbally battered. We have a child together. I love this person to this day despite revelations that he will never marry me and that I am to stay away from his daughters due to them not liking me. By the way we have a child together. Sounding desperate? Probably so. I truly in my heart believe I am one of those "unlovable" types. I do not see myself falling in love with anyone else in my life. Perhaps its a charater flaw, my own insecurities. As a child I always struggled with feelings of inadequacy. I remember going shopping with my sister and mother and watching my sister pick out new clothes that eventually would become my hand me downs. I probably need counseling. It is so depressing to think of living a life alone.

[who cares]

Yes, there are unlovable people in this world. I'm one of them. I'm beyond attempting to understand it and now just dealing with having to accept. But for certain, I can't wait to die and be rid of this shithole existence.

[Hank]

I'm beginning to believe that I'm unloveable
as well.How long does one wait for the right
person to come along? It has happened for
some of my friends, not for me.Now I know
how those people felt who were waiting at
the dock for the Titanic to arrive.Don't want to say hopelessness has set in but it
is damn close.Some days are better than others but that terrible ache of being alone
is never far off.

[tdk]

I too have come to the realisation that I am unlovable. It is an unpalatable realisation that I am having difficulty accepting; and it is burning a hole in my soul. And I am tired of hearing people say that there is someone out there for me; there isn't. I agree that there is no evidence to suggest that there is.

[Alex]

People can know way younger if they are unlovable. I'm 22 and already know that. You may think "I'm still finding out about myself" or "I'm still young", but I already know that I am going to be unloved. Most of my family hates me since I do not take sides in their quarrels. I have no friends, and if I try to make friends with a guy, they lie their way out of everything (they say they're busy, and then go hang out with everyone except me). With girls, it's even worse. They act like friends, but at any age, they call me a creeper behind my back. Better yet, I have been slapped with harassment lawsuits twice by girls I have known for over 5 years "because I talk to them.". Yes, that was the reason. And they both won. So in reality, I do believe people can be forced to not only be single, but unloved completely, shunned from society and "banned" from the world. Any interaction with the world would result in getting kicked to the gutter. I mean come on. There are people out there who can meet someone once and they are always wanting to hang out again. I say hi, I get arrested. Something is wrong with that picture. So before you come back and say, "oh you're only 22 and still young" look at my situation. Why would a simple hi and a smile to someone you've known for years make you a friend, but make me into a monster? Why would that simple hi send me to court with a large fine for harassment? Because I am destined to be not only unlovable, but also hated by friends and family.

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