Just Say No--To Separate Bedrooms

Posted by: Wendy Shalit
Topic:  Living together…apart. What do you think of the trend toward committed couples keeping separate residences—or one home with separate bedrooms?

I have also noticed a trend toward couples keeping separate residences—or one home with separate bedrooms.  Many married couples tend to blame snoring.  Excess weight, poor general health or a deviated septum can all contribute to this bane of domestic life. While it may seem easiest to pick up and take your pillow and teddy elsewhere, in the long term a separation in the bedroom usually spills over onto other areas of married life. 

Many years ago, I heard a Rebbetzin (rabbi's wife) chatting with a single girl. The girl was saying how wonderful it was that her friend's husband was studying Torah at night (from 7pm to 9pm) during the couple's first year of marriage.  How dedicated they were!  And what a sacrifice they were making.  Needless to say, this wise Rebbetzin had quite a different take on things: "It's not really a sacrifice"--she replied, much to the girl's shock--"because she doesn't really know her husband well enough, yet, to miss him. It is not good to study in the evening for the first year of marriage."

OK, I realize I'm making a leap here between the religious world and society at large, but I think this woman touched on a universal point: Couples might be "okay" with being separate, and yet this is not necessarily good for them, or the bond that they could develop if they worked through their various issues instead of separating.

I'm intentionally leaving out unmarried yet committed couples,  because I think this is a whole difficult kettle of fish which merits, yes, a separate discussion.

Comments

[John]

"... or the bond that they could develop if they worked through their various issues instead of separating."

Why do you assume that the reason for separate bedrooms or homes is issues that need working through?

[S. Johnson]

This isn't the 1940's or 50's, no matter how much conservative minds wish it so. To have a man and woman in seperate bedrooms or residences is beyond ridiculous; as a matter of fact, if they are like this, then WHY are they together? I personally met a woman who wanted this type of relationship, after we'd been together for 6 months, because she wanted to have "her space" while sleeping.

Needless to say, we didn't see the 7th month together; I ended it right then and there.

If a woman wants seperate residences or rooms after we're married, or even living together, then we don't need to be together in the first place. That simple.

[hk-reader]

I think that relationships vary. I think that some couples, no matter how committed want their own space right from the beginning.

Far more common, I think is the desire for more space might be especially strong after one has been married and sharing the same bedroom and bed and closet for more than 20 years.

I sometimes think that when the kids leave home, I might want to re-do one of the bedrooms for my own room where I can go when Mr. husband is snoring and/or I have insomnia. It would also be GREAT to have my own closet & bureau.

[Autumn]

I have never heard such ludicrous control issues in my life. These postiings are like something out of the dark ages. For crying out loud people. How on earth can you base your whole conscious and spiritual relationship on where the two of you sleep at night. You are both unconscious for crying out loud. Why is it that the one getting the sleep is so appalled that the other one just wants some sleep too.?????
And when you are getting the sleep you need, it so darned easy to assume that sleeping apart is a "problem" in the relaltionship or will become one. Are some of us so brainewashed and inconsiderate of our significant others' needs that we would rather be done with the relationship than allow separate sleeping areas and proper rest.???? That's the craziest thing I've ever heard.
Hubby and I have been married for 42 years now. More than half of those years, I've suffered through his nightsweats, violent jerkings, twitches, snoring loud enough to wake the dead and thrashings due to R.L.S. At 60 yrs of age, after trying pills, nightmasks, earwax, body rubs, nose strips, sprays, special pillows and anything else we could think of short of surgery, that was it.
It bothered both of us to separate at night (on an emotional level) but neither of us can deny how rested we both are, how we both look forward to our separate beds and bedrooms now knowing we WILL be sleeping well. Our relationship is even better than ever and intimacy is far more interesting and diverse and exciting when you are feeling well. How I wish I hadn't waited so long.
Don't let anybody kid you that sleeping apart is some kind of marital issue. Hogwash! Recuperative sleep is a basic human need as much as eating, hrdrating, breathing, sex and elimination. When your body gets its needs met properly your life is terrific!!!

[Candice]

And I would argue to S. Johnson that any man who would try to guilt trip me into sleeping in a bed with a man who wakes me up every 30 seconds with snoring is the one who is controlling and insensitive. My guy and I come and go as we please, sometimes sharing a bed and sometimes getting up to go into the second room. There are some times when you are having snoring, stomach issues, illness, sweating, etc. when you just want to sleep alone and not have to be self-conscious. I also think this crap of filming childbirth, going to the bathroom in front of the other person is also stupid. Some things are not meant to be shared and some of us are private people who want to maintain some mystique and dignity. To say people should sacrifice their sleep, privacy and sanity in the name of marriage makes no sense to me.

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