Posted by: Dr. Helen Fisher
Topic: What roles do religion and spirituality play in relationships today?
What roles do religion and spirituality play in relationships today? As an anthropologist who studies the brain, human nature and evolutionary patterns of sex, romance and marriage, my perspective is largely that of a scientist, as well as a concerned citizen.
So, to begin: That depends. Some people are far more religious and/or spiritual than others—a human variation that is most likely due, in part, to specific genes in the serotonin system in the brain. But even among those who do believe in a specific god, many don’t need to impose their beliefs on their partner. So although America may be the most religious of all “first world” societies, it is difficult to say how many couples regard their religious views as central to the happiness or stability of their partnership. I do know this, however. Psychologists know very little about what makes a happy marriage. When they give extensive questionnaires to long-married couples, they find no patterns. The combination of personality traits that makes one marriage successful regularly plays no role in the stability of the next. In fact, the only trait that happily married partners have in common is self-delusion. If you believe your partner fits within your concept of an ideal mate, what scientists call you IMPC (Ideal Mate Personality Concept), you are far happier than if you do not—regardless of reality.
Indeed, self-delusion probably evolved, in part, to enable us to make happy partnerships. But scientists do know that religion plays a role in the formation of a pair bond: We tend to fall in love with individuals who share our ethnic and socio-economic background, our level of education and intelligence, our degree of good looks—and our religious values. In these ways, “likes marry likes”—what anthropologists call “fitness matching.” However, after you have established this similarity with a mate, which is often very early in the relationship, you then proceed to build your love relationship on myriad similarities and complementarities of personality instead—along with a healthy dose of self-delusion.
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